


Carpe Diem, Justicar

by ZoBerry



Series: Alio Tempore, Alio Vitae [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 63,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23981479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoBerry/pseuds/ZoBerry
Summary: A relation-ship based story on Justicar Samara and FemShep.Not a pre-established romance.car·pe di·em/ˌkärpā ˈdēˌem/exclamationused to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future.------------------------------------------------------------------This story spans through ME2. Focusing on a growing, more human and emotional relationship for the two.-------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships: Samara/Female Shepard (Mass Effect)
Series: Alio Tempore, Alio Vitae [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737871
Comments: 15
Kudos: 36





	1. By The Code, I Will Serve You

**Author's Note:**

> This story was made in a span of 8 days. I just wanted to say that this is a slightly messy, made from love fic that was focused on making sure Shep wasn't left in the air compared to how ME2 tackled the justicar romance. The next installments are tons better - but this one will always be special in my heart XD
> 
> I remember now why I made this - and this whole series. Closure. That's the word.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NEW SHIT: I made a thing! It's literally my second day of doing 3d poses and I'm living for it. Big thanks to Grummel83 from Deviantart for the models. (It's the wrong Normandy I know, but that's the quickest one i found from the main wiki hahaha)

Shepard stared blankly at her fishes.

She was aboard the Normandy just after recruiting the Assassin and the Justicar from Illium.

_The Justicar. Samara._

She had already recruited four from the Illusive Man’s dossiers.

_“Are you friend or foe?”_

Mordin was her first, the Salarian doctor who was now on her ship had been a great addition - Miranda was right in pushing to get him first. Shepard loved him already - in a amazed kind of way.

_“I see three well armed people before me”_

Then her next stop was Archangel, which she actually couldn’t believe it - was Garrus Vakarian. Not that he was incapable of being called and had the label of ‘Archangel’ but because she wouldn’t have realized The Illusive Man would have someone she knew to be a part of her team.

_“I answer to a code that is clearly defined”_

Thane the assassin was somewhat of murky waters - he seemed… stable enough despite the fact that he was a hired assassin. But The Illusive Man had given her Garrus, and told her that Liara was on Illium - so that seemed trustworthy enough.

_“By the code, I will serve you Shepard.”_

The redhead laid down on the metal floor of her room, staring blankly at the little fake glow in the dark stars she had pressed on the roof when she first got into the ‘new’ Normandy.

_“Your choices are my choices.”_

“Samara. Justicar Samara.” She spoke to no one in particular, letting the name roll off her tongue in syllables.

_“Your morals are my morals.”_

Shepard found herself replaying the events of meeting the Justicar in her mind. The strong biotics, a feat she had never seen - the glowing eyes, the floating - should she ask Miranda if her genetically perfect body could do that? Could she ask Liara if it was something the asari did? Was it only due to Samara being a justicar?

_“Your wishes are my code.”_

The commander found herself smiling as she continued to look at the small token from Earth she had kept. The glow was starting to fade, and as Shepard kept thinking about the newest member of her team, she did not realize that the light had fully faded away - and she herself as she drifted off to slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short. I know, but I just wanted to build it up. 
> 
> Like my other fics, it will get longer in certain chapters and will maintain a good length for every chapter after.
> 
> Hope you like it!


	2. A Toe Out Of Line For Respect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staring is bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter, it just felt so smooth and clean to write.

Being the Normandy 2.0’s captain had its perks and its downsides, and now as Commander Shepard, former Alliance, former Spectre- now _‘ **technically part '** _of Cerberus - she held her own ragtag set of members.

To make it all work - she thought hard on the single most important part of it all.

The security.

It wasn't Alliance, even though they were mostly in a human boarded vessel; these were not friends she had grown up in boot camp. Most of these people seems like your ordinary soldier or crew, but they were all under Cerberus - wildly known to be human supremacists. To have aliens under her belt too - well, that was something she needed to be prepared for.

Presently, as Shepard now had more members under her, Miranda, Jacob, Mordin, Garrus, Thane, Samara, Zaeed and Jack - she let herself fall into a recline on her room’s office chair - her legs up and crossed on the adjacent table - lazily using her left hand, she pressed on the keys of the computer with a pen and checked the left over dossiers that she needed for her mission. 

There was a krogan warlord, and an intergalactic thief. Promising.

There seemed to be some pattern somewhere, most of her squad knew of Cerberus, some had no ties or dealings, while some had their history directly affected by the corporation. Apart from Jack, everything went smoothly enough - as smooth as it could be given that all the people who were in her team were decorated in their own way. A lot of genius, a lot of crazy, and almost nothing in between - save maybe for Garrus who was as far as she was concerned, a safety. 

A sigh left her. It was a lot more innocent and easier the first time around. 

Shepard raked her thoughts to what a krogan warlord would know of Cerberus, and if this thief was some alien. She chuckled to herself at the possibility of it being a hanar, or an elcor - not that she would have minded, but the elcor will probably be a bit too hard to work on the elevators and shuttles. With a sigh, she moved her fingers on the keypad again, this time - accessing the surveillance camera around the ship - at least all the places except Mordin’s - who was as genius as he was - destroyed all but one, but still gave it back to Miranda. If Shepard was honest, she wouldn’t have thought to get access to the ship’s security footage if Mordin never mentioned the cameras in the first place.

Now - there she was, clicking through the monitors and watching most of her team work. Garrus was - no surprise, calibrating. Which the very thought made her go crazy frustrated. Sometimes she just wanted to spend time with the guy, but no - he had to keep calibrating, no doubt the guy slept dreaming of calibrations - if he ever slept at all. Miranda didn’t allow any obvious camera’s in her room - it took certain convincing but shewas able to have her put one of the cameras Mordin saved on knee height level of her office area - a wall facing the door. It wasn’t so much to spy on her XO as it was to at least keep an eye out on anything that would come in.

Honestly? The cameras were more for her security, it was still a Cerberus ship, she knew whatever could be taken from the feeds were brought back to the Illusive Man, especially information about her. She didn’t have trouble with it, but for the sake of herself, and her friends, which most likely was still just Garrus - maybe Mordin - who can actually take care of himself, she needed to keep an eye on everyone else. 

Shepard quickly strolled through some of the not so interesting ones - 

_Click_

Zaeed hummed what seemed to be an old Earth love song as he cleaned his rifle

_Click_

Jack was staring menacingly at the ceiling as she lounged on her cot

_Click_

Dr Chakwas was tending to Jacob - who probably sprained himself or something - 

_Click, click, click_

Joker mashing the mute on EDI, Gabby and Ken bickering in front of the drive core, her- herself, staring at the computer - 

_Click_

Samara…

Samara was once again meditating, three screens decorated Shepard’s view, one from the camera on top of the door facing the window observatory, two other on either side of the said window, slanting at an angle to give her a birds eye view of the whole observation area. The observation deck was supposed to be a part of the ship the crew could relax - it was crazy to think how much footage Cerberus needed just to keep their people in line - in a place where their crew should be allowed to relax.

Shepard removed her legs from the table and sat down properly, staring at the footage in front of her. 

_“I am looking forward to serving with a company of honorable heroes.”_

Shepard stopped the clicking and inadvertently started to bite the pen cover.

_“The life of a justicar can get lonely.”_

Samara continued on meditating, a feat that probably surpassed both Thane’s prayers and Garrus’ calibration. The commander could see the soft glow of the asari’s biotics surrounding her. With another sigh, Shepard clicked the last few sets of video footage before setting off towards the bridge.

“ETA two hours Commander.” came Joker’s voice in the comms.

They were on their way to the Citadel, the thief’s dossier said that they would be there waiting. Shepard had checked in with Joker first, making sure that he still remembered the protocol upon docking at the Citadel - it was going to be their first time - at least, her first time after two years being declared dead.

Shepard walked back into the CIC and decided she had enough time to personally fetch her squad. She normally took Mordin and Samara out on planetside missions, but Mordin was especially busy right now working on the seeker swarm shield, Samara well - let’s just say Shepard found herself staring at the door of the Observatory deck for lengthy period of time - normally the doors on the ship would automatically unlock when she was near - but after a couple of times where the observatory door opened and she could see Samara meditating- Shepard couldn’t find the bravado to bother the asari. It was why she had asked EDI to always keep the door closed - even if she was nearby, she would unlock it manually if need be. 

This time, Shepard let the door stay closed as she hurried off to find someone else to bring to the Citadel.

She had decided on Garrus and Miranda, Garrus because he was former C-Sec, Miranda… because Shepard decided the woman had enough time staring at reports. Garrus easily agreed, Miranda not so much, but it only took a second request for the XO to follow her captain.

Shepard found herself in the docking terminal of the Zakera Ward, it came as a surprise because no sooner than she did land - the advert display started saying her name - now it was entirely possible that it was an ad of sorts, but she didn’t think that adverts were that sensitive, it could have gotten Garrus or Miranda. With a shrug, she went in the door.

The C-sec office was directly inside, and she, just like anyone else now received the usual security check - of course it was just her luck that she didn’t have the smoothest history check possible.

“Uh-” came the turian guard’s sub-vocals. “Give me a moment to check your status - it says here that you’re supposed to be… dead?” The turian’s mandible fluttered once before resuming to check on his records. Shepard gave a wry smile. “Yeah I’ve been out for a while, tagged MIA.”

“Security definitely tightened around here since you last came in.” Miranda said, adding to context- given that the prodigy was the one who revived her- it was more for the benefit of the turian officer to give them some slack.

“You’re certainly here now though- I’ll just work this here and you can head on in and talk to Captain Bailey, he’ll be able to sort things out.” The turian said, gesturing back to the door.

“Huh?” Shepard said. 

“Uh - Captain Bailey is -” the turian started again but stopped when Shepard was able to post a question. 

“If I'm dead in the database, I shouldn’t be picked up by the advert columns right?” She asked.

“Yes Mam, why?” 

Shepard shook her head and gave an apology. She didn’t even try to get inside the ward before she bounded off back towards the advert display.

This time the advert display said her name again - although with a different offer.

Shepard stepped near the display.

“Here I am.” she called out.

“Commander Shepard! Please enter your password.”

The commander blinked “5up3R 5p3c3E” It wasn’t a real password, and she even had fun saying the numbers and letters, much to Miranda’s chagrin.

Funnily enough, the hooded figure in the advert looked like she was shocked - to her credit though, she was able to square and features and give a nod. 

“It seems you’re a good one Shepard. Pleasure to finally meet you, I’m Kasumi Goto, a fan.” 

Shepard shook her head as she failed to hide a smile, that was a good entrance, and definitely less messy than when she recruited Zaeed, and a lot more simpler than anyone else’s recruitment really. Shepard and the thief conversed for a moment before the thief spoke. “I should probably head to your ship? You look a bit spaced out there talking to an advert column.”

Shepard watched the crackling of the static before heading back towards the Normandy- the Citadel could wait, it was time for the meet and greet.

Back in the Normandy, Shepard found Kasumi conversing with Joker, which was a good thing, because she needed to place the thief somewhere to have her own area. Before all that though, was the necessary roll call - it was something the team did not exactly appreciate - and by team it was mostly Jack.

The roll call was for the purpose of the team seeing each other for the first time and making their impressions, something that she didn’t want to happen just suddenly in the field or when someone accidentally bumps into another accidentally spilling one person’s coffee and burning someone else’s skin - and by that she meant Jacob and Mordin - thank god Mordin was usually level headed- and always had his shields on because he worked with dangerous materials in the lab.

It went the same with everyone, no matter if she had only recruited one - in the case of Zaeed, or a double which was Thane and Samara together on Illium. Everyone had their chance with the squad and the full crew.

This time though, she was finally able to find a way on what she was planning on the observatory door earlier.

Shepard opened the line to the ship. “Calling all squad and crew members, please be present in the CIC in five minutes. We have a new squad on board.” She closed the comm and turned towards Miranda who stayed beside her - deciding that going down to her room and then back up would just destroy her concentration. 

“Miranda,” Shepard started, quickly looking around as if she was itching towards a deadline. “Can you deal with this meet & greet for me? I just need to finish something up, I’ll be down quick, have the squad wait for me, or something.”

Miranda blinked, Shepard never asked her to do this, and Miranda never really wanted to do something so… team building like - but before she could speak Shepard had bounded away towards the elevator, Miranda stood still, perplexed. Before she was able to move an inch to follow Shepard, the Normandy crew had started to fall in groups and head to the CIC to await further instructions.

Shepard watched the groups of people from her room, if she were right, and things went according to how they always did, she’ll have enough time.

First that came in were those from the usual Cerberus body - they flitted through the elevator in sets from each floor, with them, when available would be Garrus. Mordin and Jacob would then emerge from their rooms, Samara would be next through the elevators with Miranda - if Miranda was not part of her immediate team - sometimes it would Samara and Jack, but never Miranda and Jack in the same elevator. Last would come Zaeed and the engineering crew. Once that was done, the meet usually lasts only for five minutes or so before the same outfit disperses back into whatever they would be doing.

As Shepard watched the justicar saunter out of her room and into the CIC, Shepard quickly vacated her cabin and had the elevator override - that rather it went down to engineering, it would come up first and catch her. She waited patiently for the elevator, a little scared -even though she knew that there was technically nothing wrong in what she had planned.

When the elevator came, she quickly went inside and dropped two floors down to the crew deck, from there she took a sharp turn to the observatory and manually inputted the codes.

The camera on top of each window was the easiest to spot - quickly she tried to take it apart, unfortunately, it was a little more advanced than what she expected and it wasn’t the type of cam you can just pop on and off. That was obvious enough because after trying with one, it emitted a stronger than normal pulse - much akin to a grounding. With a little help from EDI via a private comm, the main sensor alarm was cut off. She was able to remove the cam itself and placed them in her pocket. The one on top of the door was harder, much more hidden. It was something she didn’t exactly plan on. With a sigh, she opened her omnitool and tried to scan - nothing. She probably didn’t have much time - 

“EDI?” the commander said, trying to debate asking the Cerberus ships’ AI for more information. It was one thing to ask it to help with an obvious camera, but there was one hidden for its own reason. She could get in trouble - but then again, it was her ship. She’ll just have to suck it up.

“Yes Commander?” came the AI’s voice.

“Can you help me find the cam here?” Shepard asked, now trying to knock on the metal sheets manually just in case a sound comes out funny.

“The camera you are looking for is hidden in a small mass effect field, Commander, it can not be removed unless approved by Ms Lawson.”

“But, I’m the commanding officer right? I should hold status above that.”

“Yes you are but Ms Lawson - “

“I’ll deal with Miranda later EDI, I promise - as soon as I get out of here, but I really need this gone now. Please.”

The AI buzzed behind her, Shepard could feel the hologram glowing before the AI’s voice came back. “This is noted commander, as is in protocol, I have issued the notice to Ms. Lawson’s computer. You may be able to now scan the middle plating with your omni tool.”

Shepard wasted no more time, she could feel the movement outside - the meet and greet was done and the people were getting back to their stations. With quick movements, she quickly overrode the lock in the cam - she might not have been able to remove it, but at least it was disabled. She’ll just have to let Miranda know.

The hair on her nape prickled, she had to go. Now. 

“Commander.” came the AI’s voice again, popping its spherical shape hologram into view.

“I would just like to notify you that Ms Lawson’s computer has now all the accounts of the three deactivated cameras. Would you like me to include in the report that one was _accidentally_ destroyed and may not be useful?” 

“Oh shit.” Shepard hadn’t really thought that through. Of course EDI would be sending reports on what was happening regarding the ship, that was her job. Quickly Shepard shook her thoughts aside, she was going to tell Miranda anyways that - given that the XO also had access to the security feed. With a sigh at the impending earful she'd get, Shepard moved to step into the sensor of the door to get out - 

Unless-

Unless she didn’t have to step in the sensor.

The door made a soft _‘whoosh’_ sound and there she was, face to face with the woman she had been - admittedly, trying _not_ to stare at.

But here they were.

Here she was. Staring.

But not this close.

They weren’t even a foot apart.

The redhead gulped.

“Shepard.” Samara greeted, seemingly unperturbed by the closeness. 

“Hey Samara.” she greeted back.

For the longest second - or maybe it was a number of seconds in Shepard’s life, she froze - she could hear the buzzing of EDI going offline behind her, and after, there was nothing but the weak buzz of the ship, the view of the most beautiful being she had ever set her eyes on - and the eyes- oh god the eyes that captivated her so. 

She was so captured by the asari’s gaze that every single fiber of her being screamed -and when she saw the violet lips move to speak - Shepard hurried to try and beat her to it, as if trying to pull out every thinking thought of her being to go first.

Quickly she took a step back and swerved sideways, letting the justicar pass. She heard the boots that clicked on the floor and before she could speak, Samara herself was able to beat her to it.

“To what do I owe this pleasure Shepard?”

Shepard looked once again at the face that held stoic, although the asari’s face stayed the same, elegant, beautiful, like a work of art - the voice was soft, inviting. 

“I just came in to check with the room. Looking if things are alright.” Shepard gave a meek smile, her eyes darting quickly from the window that showed the expanse of the galaxy then back at the asari.

Samara seemed to contemplate in that moment, and for another few long seconds that seemed to stretch forever, Shepard felt the jitters in the wrists of her hands, she had to move them somewhat - and so she moved them to her back, wringing her hands tightly to control the thumping in her chest.

“I see.” the justicar plainly said before turning back to stare at the window.

“I should, I should go.” Shepard replied, taking one look at the back of the justicar and knowing it was time for her to leave. Shepard moved to get within range of the door’s sensors - once again the faint _whoosh_ sound let it open.

“Thank you, Shepard.” The commander stopped in her tracks, she took a small look back at the justicar who still had her body straight as the asari stared into the void. The voice the commander heard was softer now, not in volume but in tone. Almost affectionate maybe? “It was not required of you, I understand the need for security on the ship, but I am grateful.”

With that, the justicar said no more as she slowly lowered herself into a meditative position. Shepard saw the biotic glow surround the asari before giving a small nod and walking outside. She knew not if Samara noticed the nod, but if it was insinuated the asari knew what happened, Shepard was sure she saw the nod as well.

Shepard stepped outside and let the door close behind her. She took a deep breath, then back out, and then another deep breath before moving to the corner and heading to Miranda’s office. She felt really good with what she did, even though she knew the XO was going to give her hell. It was worth it.

Which, she didn’t really need to do anymore, given that now there was a very annoyed looking, genetically perfect biotic also turning the corner. 

“Shepard. Really, report to my office.”

This was the second time today she came within the personal space of someone else, but with how annoyed Miranda looked, well, at least that was easier to deal with. With a scratch behind her head, she followed Miranda back to her room.

No need to antagonize the XO by being glib and saying she was the captain of the Normandy as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a while it doesn't seen as smooth to read compared to when I had it in my head XD 
> 
> Sometimes I wonder what shit I was on to make this story.


	3. I Will Follow You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations on the Starboard Observatory

_“I don’t pretend that it’s a simple matter, or that it seems right to everyone”_

Shepard had finished another round of the Firewalker missions that introduced the hammerhead to the team plus another two quick journeys to the nearby planets, one to sort out a geth problem, and another to find a lead on the collectors - which was somehow a waste of time as it seemed they just went around in circles. 

Just like always, after doing a mission debrief with her immediate squad and Miranda, she would set out and strike a conversation with the many team members. At first she took it as a precaution to get to know them - mostly because she didn’t fully trust Miranda and Jacob, but by the time Thane and Samara joined in, it became a regular cycle - just as regular as the teams ‘meet and greet’. It also gave her a wider view on her team, these aliens - who they were to each other, and how they were, their history, their personalities - and to get a sort of camaraderie for her ever growing list.

Slowly but surely, she found herself moving away from Garrus- not for any other reason than the turian seemed to always be busy calibrating. This led her be able to branch out to more of her team, Miranda and her got along well - better than Jacob who kept his respect at all time- but just as distant. It actually made her feel as if Jacob was the one she had to be wary of. Mordin had continued to fascinate her with his knowledge and somewhat easy going vibe, his cordiality was very much appreciated, as well as what can be noted as inside jokes, even though he had always seemed professional in front of the others; add the fact he was very much a trained soldier. She found the Drell a beautiful race, tragic, but it shouldn’t be treated as such, Kasumi was great for gossip and techniques, Zaeed was no less fun for conversations - which funnily enough felt like having Wrex again, and Jack which was - well, it was going along as well as it could be given that the problematic biotic wasn’t destroying any part of the ship at least.

Which now left her with Samara.

Shepard had long realized that even if it took her hours to finish interacting with other members of the crew, she should always pick Samara the last. 

One, because as the saying goes, save the best for last.

Two, because more than once she had found herself deeply engrossed in their conversation that one or more of her squad mates were already fast asleep.

Three, because Samara had said so herself.

_“My code obligates me to cooperate with you for one day.”_

Shepard once stood again in front of the observation deck, she smiled as she entered the code and walked inside, it wasn’t as terrifying as the first time anymore. Or the first few times after.

“Shepard.” Samara acknowledged. “I shall be with you momentarily.”

Shepard let the door close behind her as she moved towards the edge of the room, sitting on one of the seats by the corner. She didn’t know how many times she had visited this room, mostly because she routinely talked to her team anyways. She let her gaze fall at the justicar meditating once again before turning her head upwards, for that moment, she closed her eyes.

_“Shepard.” Samara had acknowledged her entrance, which took the commander by surprise given that the justicar had her back turned towards her. “What may I do for you?”_

_“How are you, Samara?” she had asked, a simple enough question, as she had asked the same for all her new squad mates._

_The asari’s biotics flared slightly and then died down as she spoke “I have spent much of the last four hundred years on my own, it is nice to have a colleague I can chat with, I may be rusty with it however.”_

_Shepard smiled at the asari as she also set herself down to sit adjacent to the justicar, mimicking the meditative pose but in a more casual position._

_“If you are patient, I would love to talk.”_

_Shepard gave a small chuckle “I’m not the most patient human in the world-”, giving a small quick look at the justicar before turning away, sheepish as it may be. “But I would love to learn more about you.”_

_A few seconds passed within their first meeting as colleagues, Shepard dared to look anywhere but at the justicar, and decided that breaching on a more neutral subject would be best._

_“How much do you know about our mission?”_

_“I know I have sworn an oath to follow you, and that you have sworn to destroy the collectors, that is enough for me.”_

_“Aren’t you curious about the mission?”_

_“I cannot afford such curiosities, Shepard. If I were to kill a man, it would do no good for me to know he was a devoted father.”_

_“But - isn’t that ignorance?”_

_Samara’s eyes never left her, as if the justicar was ready for this question a long time coming._

_“You are correct, but when one lives by a code, it does well by my duty to act in accordance to it.”_

_“But -” Shepard wanted to counteract, there were so many questions running in her human head but she couldn’t find the correct one to say. This in turn made her conversation partner share a very fond looking smile._

_“It is true what they say that humans are individualistic. If three humans are in a room, there will be six opinions.” There it was again, that lighthearted tone. Shepard looked up at the justicar as the asari continued to speak “And from what I can see from you, Shepard, you already have many opinions in your mind, you just do not know what to speak out.”_

_Shepard nodded at that, her eyes not meeting the asari. “I’m sorry for the disrespect.”_

_“You do not have to be, I understand that humans are young, at least young compared to the asari as a species, there is no harm in trying to understand.”_

_Another bout of silence passed between them, they watched the stars in silence for a few moments before a sound pierced the walls behind them, startling her._

_“Worry not,” Samara started, breaking no movement from her looking at the galaxy. “It is most likely Engineer Donelly, the hot water has once again run out.”_

_Shepard stared at her, it almost seemed like the asari was joking, a tug at the commanders lips let itself break through and she gave a laugh before shaking her head. “Is it bothering your meditation? I can tell him to bathe earlier?”_

_“There is no need Shepard, thank you.”_

_Shepard did not know how to end the conversation, but she couldn’t let another bout of silence stand between them, especially since Samara had been kind enough to let her earlier words go._

_“What do you think about Cerberus?”_

_“I’ve heard rumors, but I have learned long ago to make my own impression, there is too much room for interpretation in the opinions of others.”_

_“But you joined us?”_

_“I joined you Shepard. I work for you, not for them. I believe you yourself believe that you do not work for Cerberus. Am I correct?”_

_Shepard didn’t have to think twice about that. Even though she seemed to be part of Cerberus, she knew she would always be Alliance by heart. “Yes, definitely. And that isn’t going to be an opinion.”_

_Samara nodded, a small smile on her violet lips as she stared back into the galaxy._

_Shepard took this time to stand up, it would be a good note after all, to end amicably. As she stood up, she remembered another question that needed to be addressed._

_“Samara, I’d like to ask more about the criminal you were looking for at Nos Astra.”_

_For the first time since she saw Samara break the Eclipse Merc neck, did she see such a somber look from the justicar._

_This time, it took Samara a moment before she could speak, and when she did, the sadness in her tone matched her eyes - eyes that dared not look into her own._

_“I hope you will understand if I wish to avoid this topic. It is deeply tied to my codes and beliefs... “ The asari’s eyes rose and met hers, reflective still as the stars shone. “You might say it is personal.”_

_Once again Shepard fell into the depths of the justicar’s eyes. The tone, the mood of it all, it felt like she was sinking, couldn’t breathe. “Maybe we can help? It might affect the mission.” she offered._

_Samara’s eyes softened though her demeanor stayed just as calm, as if there was a finality in her words. “Thank you, but it will not.”_

_With that, Samara stared back into the abyss as her eyes glowed and her biotics engulfed her once more._

_“_ Shepard.” A voice called her. “You seem to have fallen asleep.” 

Shepard woke up with a start, unaware of where she was before blinking and realizing that she was still in the observation area. 

She had fallen asleep.

Looking around, there was no sign of the justicar. 

Shepard checked her omnitool, it had already been four hours, but it was the usual time now for her to have been asleep. She stood up, and a blanket fell on the floor.

“How cliche.” she smiled, she felt a fluttering feeling in her chest.

Carefully, she held up the blanket and folded it, placing it under her arm as she exited the observatory. 

Just as she exited, Yeoman Kelly came out of the crew’s quarters and saluted her. “Commander” she stood at attention.

“Kelly,” she greeted with a chirp in her tone. “At ease, Is there anything that needs to be reported?”

Kelly shook her head as she eased her posture. “I hope you had a good nap? I see you’ve found the blanket I put on you, if you’re to go up and have a proper rest, I can have Sergeant Gardner launder that.”

Shepard blinked, the hand holding the blanket tightened, she shook her head. “Ah, yeah sure.” she handed over the now offensive seeming blanket. 

A moment passed and Kelly stayed on her spot. 

“Is there anything else?” Shepard asked, her tone shifting to one of indifference.

“Did you not feel better Commander? Samara had been thoughtful, which I honestly didn’t think she’d have the inclination for. She asked me to cover you, since I am technically your Yeoman.” 

It was the second time Shepard had to blink in surprise in a span of a minute. 

“Sorry Kelly, sofa isn’t really the best for the back.” Shepard gave a small smile as she waved her hand, an excuse as good as it can be - given that now she felt the fluttering feeling again. It wasn’t the same, but it was as good as if it were, it was the thought that counted after all. “Is the justicar anywhere?”

The yeoman nodded “She is in the engineering area, discussing upgrades for the ship, though I don’t know the specifics.” 

Shepard nodded her head and headed straight for the elevator - she would be able to talk to the justicar still - unfortunately as she was to click the elevator her comm sounded.

“Commander,” came Joker’s voice. “We’re approaching the planet Kopis, ETA 30 minutes.” 

Shepard sighed as she stepped away from the elevator. It seemed like the day just started as it ended. 

Later- after this mission, which thankfully wasn’t anything major - she would head back to the justicar and hopefully be able to start their talk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should have been longer, but then again, the cliche blanket on 'your' loved one is a good practice.


	4. Indescribable Value

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An action oriented mission finds Shepard and all her crew in unfamiliar territory. Certain casualties arise. Deep feelings start to be noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It actually took me three chapter 4's to decide what to write. A part of me is battling with how deep the relationship has become due to it only being the fourth chapter, how other members of the squad work in accordance to Shepard, and so on. 
> 
> I've taken liberties on making a random planet with unknown territories and life forms to be safe. This should be a little action-oriented.

_“I see the truth in what you say and that humbles me”_

Back in the Normandy, eighteen hours later and three grueling planetside missions back to back left Shepard not so keen on doing anything but sleep. Actually, there were a total of five missions, three she had to oversee, one she deferred to Miranda and Thane- who admittedly had the longest yet least stressful one, and one she deferred to Mordin, Jacob and Joker because it was near the ship to analyze, but they would need a small team to protect themselves from possible ground foes - without having to use the ship on site.

That left her rotating the available members: Garrus, Zaeed, Samara, Jack and Kasumi. Jack and Samara was useful on first push, their biotics, though not totally similar, had the same deadly combination of destruction. Add her own biotics; it was a natural flare up in the battlefield. Unfortunately, the first mission proved to be the most taxing one, as Jack - had found herself thoroughly drained after having been fighting in what seemed to be the planet side equivalent to a no man’s land. 

At the second wave, none of her squad mates would agree to leave and swap, the time to rest though proved useful enough for the biotics to get their bearings but by the time they reached the third wave, Jack was now completely spent and was hit by an enemy tech, the medi-gel helped, but she was in no shape to continue fighting. Not with her condition and the need to refuel her biotics.

“I can do this Shepard.” Jack’s strained voice came, although it bordered on angry, the venom in her voice seemed to be more for her.

“I know you can, Jack, but right now you’ll be a liability on the field, and the team needs you. I need you, so rest up, Garrus will have your back, when you’re rested, we have another mission and you can join.” Shepard didn’t waste anymore time as she signaled the second squad to assist her.

As they watched the second squad appear Shepard turned to Samara. “You need some time to get back up?” She asked the justicar, who simply shook her head.

“I am well Shepard. Thank you for asking but you do not need to concern yourself.” Normally Shepard would have wanted to delve more into the issue, but where they were was not going to give her the liberty of time. Duty first, anything else can go later once they were done.

“Take care of her Garrus,” Shepard said softly, not that Jack was in any way heard given that the biotic had already spent herself enough to fall asleep. Kasumi decloaked beside the turian and assisted him, there was a nearby shelter they could use before heading off.

“Zaeed, i’ll need your firepower, Samara -” she took another look at the justicar who simply nodded her head lightly in acquiescence. “Alright team, let’s go.”

The second mission was not nearly as straining as the first, but it was enough to keep them heavily on their toes. 

“Not much of a challenge you’re giving me, eh Shepard?” Zaeed said with a light tone as he kept gunning down the foes on the field.

Shepard did a biotic charge -and just in time as a cloaked enemy found itself behind the merc. “You say that like it’s a bad thing old man.” she greeted as the charged enemy flew in front of them and landed with a strong thud that definitely would have put him out cold - add a few broken bones.

“I’m old, not invalid - and ha. I knew there was someone there. You ruined the surprise.” 

Shepard snorted light heartedly before turning back to the other enemies. For a split second she watched the justicar take out her foes methodologically, not as crazed as earlier, but just as deadly. The justicar might not be letting on, but her biotics might have been draining. Shepard herself was only using her guns now, only using her biotics when it was of urgent need. 

Coming back from the second mission, Shepard got the report that Jack was now back resting in the Normandy, assisted by Kasumi and Jacob. Mordin was done and Miranda was yet to be en route back. Looking at the rest of her team, which now comprised of Samara, Zaeed, Garrus and her. Shepard, thought on how to go. 

“Alright, last leg here and we’re out of this planet.” she panted. The whole area was draining. The enemies were fine sure, but the harsh conditions of the planet were just as bad and it all tended to pile up. It really wasn’t supposed to be this bad, at least it wasn't on paper.

“Zaeed, Garrus with me-” she glanced at the justicar, suddenly finding it awkward that she wasn’t with her. At that moment she blinked the dust from her eyes, while the justicar didn’t say anything but stared at her, waiting for commands, Shepard moved to take the time to privately talk to the asari. “You need to rest.”

“I am functional. It has been a while since I have been in such a battle like this, yes- but I will follow should you require.” The eyes once again bore into her, and even through her helmet - it felt like they were standing together - alone, in a vast planet of nothingness. Only the justicar and her... Shepard felt compelled to raise a hand towards her - and stopped just in time. 

Familiarity was not yet a proper concept, even though they have shared moments together, the moment did not feel right. Not in a battlefield, and not with other’s eyes trained at them.

She saw Samara’s lips part - to speak? To take a deeper breath?

“You provide cover then, Samara. Limit your biotics to close range.” She turned back to the other two squadmates. “We’re going in four, I’m fucking tired and I won’t be able to use my biotics as good as earlier., Garrus, switch to your assault rifle, I’ll take point on sniper range, Zaeed you and Garrus charge in first, Samara - beside me.” Her command was swift and practiced, her voice gave no indication of being familiar as it worked its way onto what was the best course of action. 

As Garrus and Zaeed moved onward, Shepard spoke with a tone no less of a soldier although her eyes were trained on the back of the men in front of her. “I’m not going to risk us in this condition, but we’ll do what we can. Later… later let’s have a good meal.” and without looking at the justicar’s possible reaction to her, Shepard moved on forward as she felt a knot in her chest, it tightened. 

Shepard took a quick chest shot on her first enemy she cursed herself at how stupid it was - what she said - like a little girl being silly and asking someone out on a date.

Shepard was now hanging on between the justicar and the turian, she had been badly wounded, though not as bad as Jack, she was still on her feet but the pain in her face was obvious as was the loud groans. Zaeed took point in covering them. At least the travel back to the Normandy was less dangerous - mostly because they’ve eliminated most of the threats. 

When they reached the Normandy, everything seemed to be fine. Everything, except for Miranda and Thane not yet returning.

“EDI? Updates on Miranda?”

“She is in a barred signal area, Shepard. She has not been contacted for a few hours now.”

Blinking she looked at Joker who was the only person she could look at for information “How long was she supposed to be out?”

“Uh, Miranda said she was probably going to take a while, just before the comms went dead she said she was doing okay and the upload was going to take around eight more hours, but counting now it shouldn’t be more than 20 minutes til she gets back on the radio.” 

Shepard bit down on her teeth as she nodded. Miranda was very capable of herself but still there was a sense of dread that could become reality at every given moment.

“Let me know when it’s past 20. I’ll be at medbay. EDI, contact whoever is able to do an escort mission. We’ll leave if Miranda hasn’t tried to reach us.”

Joker nodded, and the blinking lights of the AI hologram also said it’s affirmative.

With a groan, Shepard moved to angle her body for support on the turian as they shuffled down to the med bay.

Down at the med bay, Jacob and Jack were already lying down on the beds. 

“What happened to him?” Garrus asked as he laid down Shepard on the available med bed. 

“Jacob was caught on a nearby explosive, it didn’t breach his armor, but it did take him out cold. I believe Kasumi said they decided to take a shorter route back here, but it was bogeyed with a few mine fields. They were probably a little less than a hundred feet from the Normandy when this happened. The crew took them all in.” Chakwas replied, giving way to the trio that came in.

Shepard groaned as she was released from her armor. 

“I’ll be in the CIC Shepard, I can go back out again on escort if you want.” Shepard could only groan as she gave a quick nod to the turian.

When she asked about the others, Chakwas had said that Zaeed had already left to recuperate back at the engineering area. "I don't normally get visitors, but the med bay hasn't been this full in a while, don't make a habit out of it." 

It was now Samara’s turn to speak “Will they all be alright doctor?” she asked.

“Yes. Jack will be out for a while, she had depleted herself entirely and although she’ll be able to get back at it, so to speak, she’ll have to take boosters throughout a thirty hour window.” Doctor Chakwas moved to examine Shepard before shaking her head. 

“What’s wrong doc?” Shepard asked.

“You’re almost just as gone as Jack, a little bit more and you’ll be finding yourself in a biotic coma.” Dr Chakwas moved her eyes from the commander then to the justicar. “You are a biotic as well being in the first team, correct? I’ll have to take your scans, just to be safe.”

The asari nodded as she let the doctors omnitool hover over her body.

“You are alright, justicar, but you’ll need to recuperate and eat a heavy meal soon so you don’t dip down in a bad condition. I’m sure you know that though.” Chakwas turned back to Shepard and applied the stronger medigel on the wound. 

“Shepard.” The justicar said looking down at the commander. “I shall take my leave, if you need nothing else of me. You shall need unbothered rest.” 

For the second time that day Shepard found herself moving her hand towards the justicar’s own- she wanted, she needed - but the pain that suddenly shot in her as the medigel worked found her unable to move her hand anymore.

“I’m okay, Samara. You rest up. I’ll… meet with you soon.” 

They shared one look, Samara, unfathomable as always, and Shepard giving her a wry smile as another pain wracked through her body.

It was only probably fifteen minutes in when Joker went online in their comms. 

“Commander, Miranda is online, she’s having some trouble, seems like the bad guys know they’re there - tripped a trap or something on the way out.” 

Shepard moved to stand, which of course made Dr Chakwas worried as she hurried onto the commander.

“Commander, you can’t get up yet.”

“Miranda is in danger.” Shepard said, already moving to stand up. The medigel had worked wonders to slowly flesh herself back together, though the ache in her body was still very much palpable. 

“You’re going to over exert yourself.”

“I need to be there, I need to, she’s the XO of this team.”

“I understand that commander, but you’re going to go out cold if you continue this.”

Shepard gave a laugh “I’ll only go cold after this mission ends, and you’ll bet your 10k credit Serrice Ice Brandy I’ll still be back to kick some ass. Come on doctor, hit me with some stim shots and I promise I’ll be good after. I need to save her.”

Chakwas shook her head as she moved through her supplies and grabbed two stim shots. 

“I hope I don’t regret this Commander.”

The doctor injected a stim shot and just as quick as the medigel, Shepard felt so much better. Although she knew she was going to have a hell of a drop later, this was going to work enough. “Keep this one for later when you come back. Don’t do it too soon.”

With that, a crew came to fetch the commander and help her back at the armory. 

Chakwas watched as Shepard left the medical bay, shaking her head as the door closed behind them. 

“And who will save you, Shepard?”

* * *

In ten minutes, Shepard, Garrus and Kasumi were already back in the field. 

“It’s a simple get and go mission guys, that, with the baddies. We’ll just cover for them and then we get back to the Normandy, nothing else. If we hurry, we’ll have the element of surprise. Now move out!”

Shepard and the team quickly moved through the planet to reach the area Miranda had been in, luckily it wasn’t that far and with this, they had the element of surprise.

“Element of surprise my motherfuckin' ass!” Shepard shouted. Despite the situation they were in, it found Garrus and Kasumi sharing a soft chuckle. 

There weren’t any actual humanoid enemies, Miranda and Thane found themselves in a trap and there were numerous animals - bug like creatures coming towards them. The animals were mimics- and they were able to mimic the fighting that went on around them. Some of the animals made gun sounds, while there were a few that had the sound of a mine exploding - the shockwaves of a biotic and the like.

That was why Miranda thought they were in trouble. 

“Hey Miranda-” Shepard called in from her comms. “Can’t you biotic yourself out of it?”

“I’ve tried that Shepard, they keep coming and I can only work on my own field - I’m glad you’re here - to help Thane we’d need two biotics.”

They had never known that this kind of bug existed, and it made sense that the outpost Miranda was in had been abandoned long ago. Kasumi and Garrus stayed away as they provided cover for Shepard to reach the two stranded beings. 

The two biotics placed Thane between them as Miranda made a 180 degree shield pointing to the ground and Shepard made the other 180, with that they were able to safely move through the trap and get all three of them into safety. It wasn’t a tough walk, but the fact that the bugs continued to sound as if they were in a battlefield was pretty unnerving.

Once they reached the Normandy, Miranda, Thane and Shepard went to the Med Bay to get themselves tested, given that they were in contact with an unfamiliar species. Garrus and Kasumi went back into their areas on the ship.

Shepard went down the elevator as she proceeded with the others to the med bay, and saw Samara sitting at the dining area across the med bay. She gave the justicar a smile which in turn she received a nod. 

Miranda and Thane were given clearance to leave, Shepard was the last to be checked, and as she removed her armor, she was startled to hear Chakwas gasp her name.

One of the little creatures found it’s way in the softer joints of her armor and got inside, and although nothing seemed wrong, Shepard and the Doctor saw a trail of slime near what seemed to be five puncture wounds. Quickly, Shepard took one of the glass containers and scooped the creature, trapping it in between the medical table and the glass. She grinned at the doctor. “Let’s get this bad bud to Mordin, maybe he knows what it is, doesn’t seem so danger--” 

The world went black, and Shepard heard no more as she fell on the floor.

In the land of those who were aware, everything was amock- Chakwas proceeded to have EDI do a diagnostics on the ship for any stowaway creatures that could be on board. Three crew members came in, to disinfect the medbay, grab the commander’s uniform and help Chakwas get Shepard on the medical table.

Garrus, Miranda and Samara found themselves on alert, Garrus when he heard the comms, Miranda when her omnitool on tracking Shepard suddenly alerted a danger reading, and Samara - who saw from her position the look of Shepard suddenly collapsing on the floor. 

It took a few minutes for Chakwas to allow the squad to enter, even the justicar - the first to the scene - wasn’t allowed to, due possible contamination. 

Miranda stepped in and peered at the little creature that got into the ship. “Fascinating, it didn’t trigger our alarms. It’s probably why none on the outpost stayed. Apart from it being able to mimic sounds for it’s safety, it’s able to bypass what security we have. Let’s have Doctor Solus check this, we could integrate it with EDI so she could focus her scan with the this composition.” The XO looked over at the commander who seemed to be peacefully sleeping. “We’ll also need to check if there’s anything else in our database we could use in regard to the bug. Doctor, Is the commander doing okay?”

“She’s fine, diagnostics wise, but I’m afraid what would happen if we do not find what the creature could do.” 

Miranda nodded, “I’ll take this to Doctor Solus then.” she picked up the trapped creature and headed up. 

“What exactly happened doctor?” The turian asked, worry coating his sub vocals.

“Commander was actually looking none for wear, like you and Kasumi, but under the armor, we found this -” she pointed at the piercing Shepard hand in her inner elbow. “Five little puncture marks, and some sort of slime oozed out by the creature. Her vitals seem unchanged, but she is knocked out- it’s not going to be as easy as say, depletion of energy like Jack’s or an accident like Jacob’s.”

Garrus nodded, he moved to place his hand on top of the commander’s, “Doesn’t she seem… cold?” he asked as he turned to look at Chakwas. 

“Oh?” The doctor once again run a scan - “oh dear- her temp is suddenly going down, not ten minutes ago she was at a good 37.3 degrees. Now she’s down at 32.”

Chakwas turned on the emergency notice, putting Shepard in a containment field to limit the possible infections of others. She also had Jacob and Jack put into a field before having herself move to get disinfected and change into hazard clothing. “Garrus, Samara, I’ll need you to leave-”

Again she was unable to finish as Shepard’s eyes opened wide and her body thrashed against the med bed. Chakwas once again called assistance as now a pair of crew members in hazard gear entered and helped restrain the commander on the bed. 

“Doctor-” Garrus started worried. 

“Please Garrus, I’ll have you come back as soon as we can get Shepard stable.” 

Shepard continued trashing, the monitor that was now connected to her field gave wildly differentiating variables. The commander said nothing intelligible as she trashed and groaned and contorted her body as if in pain. Garrus had turned to leave with Samara out of the med bay when they heard Shepard croak - her hand now fully extended towards the asari who was moving away - “Sama----ra” she said, her eyes straining and wild, almost as if popping out of their sockets. 

Chakwas moved to cover the two squadmates from Shepard’s line of sight when suddenly a flare of biotics pulsed out of the commander - though not strong enough to cause any harm it was an obvious pulse that covered the commander’s immediate surrounding in a purple glow. Shepard’s empty eyes moved towards the doctor’s safely covered ones. “Samara---” she said again, her hand still extended yet as if grabbing something from afar.

With a loud ‘tsk’ Chakwas moved and spoke over her shoulder to one comms. “Bring another hazard suit, fit for an asari - stat.” 

Just as she said that, Mordin’s voice flooded the med bay comms. “Doctor Chakwas, was the bite only on the commander?”

“Yes Mordin, do you have any idea what it is?”

“Yes. Creature stabilized. History found. Will discuss with you what happens. Sickness is transferred by - liquid. From bite. Not infectious. Like honey bee sting in humans. Excretion must be cleaned. If touched, by another. It is…. negligible.” 

Chakwas, as trained as she was, had almost lost her head. With a sigh, she moved away from Shepard’s line of sight as once again the commander’s eyes trailed towards the asari - her hand still extended - as if trying to reach. 

She moved the crew to disinfect the med bay again as she herself cleaned the wound on Shepard - although Shepard’s field was not brought offline, Jack’s and Jacob’s were kept on just in case.

Garrus and Samara were still inside the med bay, though this time, Samara moved to talk to the doctor. 

“Doctor - should I?” she inquired carefully, unsure how the human customs worked on this kind of situation. 

The doctor took another look at Shepard whose hand was still extended though not as drastic as before - as if she had sensed the proximity of the asari. Shepard’s breathing was still ragged, and her vitals still said her temperature was dropping as it now reached the 30 degree mark. 

Slowly, from behind the foggy view inside Shepard’s head, she could see the object of her worries, anxiety, affection and fascination come closer- and although it was foggy and almost indiscernible in her brain, when the blue hands came to hold her own, her mind saw nothing but peace.

Back in the med bay, Chakwas breathed a sigh of relief as the vitals stopped spiking and dropping and maintained a constant beep. Although the commander’s temperature stayed at 30 degrees, there was little else of worry as the commander once again looked as if she was in deep slumber. 

Garrus moved to leave when Mordin came in. 

“Ah doctor - I see the first tremor has passed.” Mordin nodded his head as he moved to the medicine stations. He seemed unsurprised, just as anyone in the room that Samara was holding on to the commander’s hand - or with the condition Shepard was in. “Good, good. Samara is here. Calming effect on Shepard. Object of … value.” 

All three others in the med bay turned to the salarian.

“Object of value?” Chakwas asked first.

Mordin turned to look at the three, before nodding to himself and returning to mixing a concoction - as if for the sake of health - he didn't just disclose the unsaid attraction Shepard had been obviously showing towards Samara.

“Yes… EDI please close audio and video channel to secure in Med Bay. Doctor / Patient confidentiality required.” At EDI’s response, Mordin continued “Creature’s saliva like… drug, hallucinatory. Very potent. Creature used five fangs. Shepard would be in coma forever if not for cerberus implants and object of - value nearby.”

Garrus tried to cough, removing the sudden discomfort he had upon talking about his best friends 'attraction' as if they weren't there. “I think we know what you mean Mordin, but maybe you can specify?”

“Ah yes. Samara important asari. Like you, Garrus. Important friend. Hmm. Do I discuss? Patient is down. But it is important. Object.. Objects of value yes. Yes. Will require confidentiality from the three of you.” 

The three affirmatives were enough to keep Mordin speaking. “Hallucinatory effects, negates realism. Access only to human psyche and hypothalamus. Feelings are brought to the surface. Broken, unrealized, almost impossible to discern. Ego brain functions in humans seizes. Ah yes. Simpler terms. Feelings. Dr Chakwas, human personnel. Important to Shepard, stabilizing in ship filled with unknown Cerberus personnel. Garrus. Important friend, been with her in life and death once, trusted, valued.”

“And what of myself Doctor Solus?” Samara said, her face openly curious though as she kept her hand on the commander’s own. 

Mordin took a deep inhale as he placed the concoction he made into a heating pad. “Asari role in Shepards mind, critical, important. Hm. Shepard finds you. Appealing. No. No. Magnificent. Cannot be sure, feelings hard to convey. Cannot discern proper word to formulate in human language. Still. Proximity to someone important - good. If not you, would be Garrus, or Chakwas. Cannot be sure, again. Psyche is in the work. Not my specialty.”

Mordin took the medicine and handed it over to the doctor. “Counter-to bite. Inject three times in bloodstream every four hours. Shepard should be waking in forty five hours. I advise - hm wait. Garrus please come.”

Garrus stood up to walk towards the bed. Mordin was right, Shepard seemed truly at peace.

“Justicar, please remove your hand.” 

As Samara removed her hand, Shepards eyes shot open again, although her hand did not move and her face was kept straight at the ceiling , her eyeballs moved everywhere, as if looking for something. Her body was starting to shake as her breathing turned ragged.

“Garrus please place hand on Shepard.”

Garrus placed his hand on the commander, and although not immediate, Shepards eyes started to lull, not a full close but the tremors in her body stopped, only the rugged breathing and knot in the forehead was obvious. 

“Yes- see, somewhat similar, relaxing. Calming. Familiar. Though different response. Justicar please place your hand back.”

Quickly Samara and Garrus changed their hands. 

“Yes good. Shepard’s temperature not going down anymore. Will heal gradually. With antidote toxin will be out of system in thirty to forty hours.” Mordin then turned to the turian.

“Garrus if you excuse us, need more secure doctor / patient data. Will talk to you after.” 

Garrus nodded his head as he moved to finally leave the med bay. He knew that the asari was important to Shepard, she wouldn’t have had her on the team that much. Still, it was concerning to him how it would affect their relationship. If it was anything about the human psyche, it would be hard, as if it were a maze, and it could be detrimental to Shepard in the long run, given how the Justicar’s code could be.

“Samara. I will have to ask for your cooperation.” Mordin spoke.

“Of course Doctor, I have sworn an oath to Shepard. Her well being is also important to me to fulfill my oath.”  
  
Mordin seemed to want to say something else but decided against it. “Please stay with Shepard today. After the sixteen hour mark, you can rest and have Garrus or Doctor Chakwas replace you.”

“It is no need. They are busy with the ship. I shall be able to meditate here - if that is alright Doctor?” she asked, moving her gaze towards the human doctor.

“Of course, we will give you both privacy. It will not do for others and of Jacob and Jack to see the commander helpless.” Chakwas agreed.

With that, Mordin left the med bay to speak to Garrus regarding his possible role later on in Sheperd's recovery. Chakwas returned to her routine inspection of the crew's health and making sure all three of her patients were comfortable.

The justicar looked down at the commander’s face as the curtain automatically moved to cover them both. Experimentally, she squeezed the commander’s hand in her own - there seemed no reaction apart from a soft smile that graced the human’s lips.

With a tilt of her head, she crossed her legs on the chair and started a light meditation

\--- and so back in the Normandy, eighteen hours later and three grueling planetside missions back to back left Shepard stay in the lull of her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be from Samara's point of view, looking at four chapters from Shepard's would make it one sided - and since our beloved Justicar is as cool as she usually is - without the obvious breach in relationships. It would be good to take a dip in her thoughts.
> 
> I would also like everyone to know that in terms of ME2, the missions are tweaked.  
> Right now, Grunt is not yet a part of the team, same with Tali and Legion. 
> 
> No loyalty missions have yet been done.


	5. An Interesting Species, Humans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samara's POV that includes their first meeting up until the events of the last chapter.
> 
> Once again, there are flashbacks in this part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found myself slightly finding difficulty while writing this. I didn't want the events to go too fast. But I see that there is a need for us to see how the justicar's mind work. Especially since let's be honest - she can't be that open to all the team members.

_“You risk a great deal in following your orders.”_

Samara watched as Doctor Chakwas placed another dose of antidote in the Commander’s arm. Shepard was still now, with her blue hand now being fully enveloped in the humans own. The first bout of antidote had Shepard move, as if resisting - the hold in her hand tightened - although it did not hurt.

So far, twelve hours in and three antidotes later, things seemed calm. Jacob and Jack had already been cleared and left, Garrus visited once. Miranda visited as well, although the asari made sure that she did not seem so familiar with the commander. 

Now that Samara watched the human in perfect slumber and it will be a few more hours til she awoke. Samara found herself once again in a meditative pose, although rather than the sutras of the code working in her mind, it was the memories she had accumulated as she first met this first human spectre. 

Their first meeting had proven quite the meaningful one. She recalled that Shepard was very much direct to the point in needing her for the mission against the collectors, and in that moment, she had been every inch of a soldier that was proper- despite a small but memorable mishap. She took the information needed, asked the most important questions to get to know her - just enough to learn - and was willing to go at odds and ends to complete the task at hand.

Although that in itself did little to assuage the justicar, given that in her four hundred years of travelling and righting wrongs, many had asked the same boon from her, and many have failed- many lives had died to it. 

_“I shall meditate here Detective, in awaiting Commander Shepard’s arrival.” Samara had moved to place herself on top of the barrier of the Detective Anaya’s desk after the detective had granted her permission to._

It was only a little after an hour that she found Shepard back in the station. For a moment she would have believed that the human had decided to give up, but had integrity to at least let the detective and her be given notice. Of course, this was thoroughly shot down when Shepard came back in, a grin spread across her face as she greeted the detective and faced her. 

“It’s your lucky day Detective-” the commander grinned as she gave the detective a wink before turning to her.

“I found the name of the ship your fugitive left in Samara, it was the AML Demeter, left here just two days ago.” 

Samara had never had the need to be anything but her usual stoic self, not even bringing her defenses down - even when alone - but this time, she let herself go as she truly did find it meaningful that the commander kept her end of the bargain.

“Shepard, you impress me. You’ve fulfilled your part of the bargain and I shall fulfill mine.”

Samara gave her notice of leave to the detective, which obviously was countered with respect - apart from the obvious lip service, which she let go enough. The detective had been cordial, and she shared the relief that no innocent blood was spilled that day.

Shepard turned to the detective with a lightness in her tone. “Why didn’t you take her to a cell though?” the human asked as she gave the justicar a sheepish smile.

“If I restrained her, I’d be dead. That’s the code. I value my life pretty much and let’s just say I’m glad it all worked out this way. I can tell my grandkids I’ve met a justicar, and I can live long enough to actually have grandkids.” the detective said, her words crisp yet filled with mirth. Which the human seemed to share as the commander herself laughed.

It was curious to Samara, how different the human suddenly turned to be, now that the battle seemed to be over and she had the task done, Shepard seemed to be so much lighter, so much younger - as if the battles she had faced - and many have known who Shepard was of course - did not faze or burden her. 

Samara turned back to the soldier as she spoke “Thank you again for your integrity commander - “ Shepard turned to her, her face which spoke of experience earlier now came back, as quick as it was gone a while ago - “but before I join you, II must now be sworn into your service so I may never be forced to choose between your orders and the code.”

The justicar moved to a pose - a pose to swear herself to the human and her cause, a pose that had been decades upon decades, maybe more than century since she had last done. As she knelt, she could see the detective had stood, in lieu of respect - she could hear the human move - as if to stop her yet was forced not to disturb, probably by the detective as well.

When she had said her vows and stood up it was the detective who broke the silence. “I never thought I’d see a justicar swear an oath like that." Samara watched as Shepard moved again to smile at the detective, finding mirth in her words.

“Shepard, if you make me do anything extremely dishonorable I may need to kill you once I am released from my oath.” 

This made the human blink, though the solemn look in the commander’s eyes as she stared into her own made Samara’s heart beat- a beat she has found herself strangely familiar with, many centuries ago.

“I am honored that you would do so Samara, I shall endeavor to make sure my actions are just.” Shepard said, offering a hand as she mirrored her own words earlier. 

Samara let herself fall into a smile as she took the hand in her own.

“The Normandy is docked near the main trading floor. I’ll have to discuss more with the detective though, so if you’d like to go ahead?” 

Samara shook her head, finding herself wanting to stay for a while, curiosity fueling her thoughts to let herself learn more of this human spectre.

“I shall stay if you do not mind. I would like to accompany you further here in Illium.”

Shepard nodded, the smile towards her once again one so very different from the look of a soldier that was obvious earlier.

“Detective, I have proof that Eclipse killed the volus merchant.” Shepard handed the datapad over to the detective.

“Huh, this is interesting, but I can’t verify it, it would be inadmissible.”

The sudden frown on Shepard’s face suddenly turned sour, and for some reason, unknown to her, she spoke up.

“I vouch for Shepard, and any evidence she brings forward.” 

The human spectre looked at her, gratitude in her eyes as well as confusion. 

The detective nodded, “Alright, I accept the judgement of the justicar.”

Samara watched as the detective and the spectre continued on, with Shepard finding no less - and solving three more shady dealings in the district- all within the hour that Shepard had also looked for her missing ship. Samara would be lying if she did not find that… impressive, honorable and completely admirable. There were so few who would take their time to right wrongs even in the littlest of places. 

“Thanks Shepard, you really came and pulled through, I didn’t know what to think - but you’ve again proven yourself, for a human.” The detective stood up and shook the commander’s hand.

“I can’t do much, but we do have a small discretionary bounty for these things - why don’t you take it.” The detective moved to get an envelope from the desk before Shepard shook her head and gave what could be called, a two thumbs up. 

“Nah, you all did your job Detective, and from what’s happening here there’s a lot going on all the time - use that to treat yourselves. A little rest will be great to boost morale.”

This actually made both asari’s stand still, surprise and awe in both of their looks before the detective gave a beaming smile. “Thanks Shepard, our district owes you one.”

Samara watched as one of Shepard’s companions, a turian - spoke. “You know Shepard, a little rest is also going to be a great boost to the morale of our team. We could do with some good drinks, better food - better dextro food.” 

And it was here that Samara really did see Shepard laugh, a very lighthearted laugh as if she were with friends- and maybe that was what they were - friends. From the way the commander’s eyes lighted up to how she used her hand to slap the turian’s shoulder, and the turian in turn giving her a soft shove. It all seemed so innocent, so pure even though they had just conquered so much evil.

When they had reached the Normandy, Samara was not surprised at the number of human crew, but she was surprised that apart from her and the Turian, there was also a Salarian and a Drell aboard. What really surprised her though, was the way she was welcomed, they were given a short moment to be shown to the team for everyone to know who each other was and their roles. It made good for a first impression and easily made to remove certain reservations one may have with another. 

Now that she had been in the Normandy longer, she had learned much from the ship and the interactions within the team.

One, the meet and greet was Shepard’s idea, it was not implemented when there was a Normandy SR-1, but since she was the captain of this SR-2, even though it flew Cerberus colors, she had made it as good as her own. 

Two, she had a good interaction with most of the crew, and had shown time and time again a more human side of being a captain, from making sure all - from the aliens to the humans were found living peacefully in a ship. They were given the space and respect needed.

Three, that the commander herself found the time to check up with the well being and interact with everyone.

The first time they had interacted had given Samara quite the view on Shepard. She was friendly, amenable but all the bravado she had when she was in her armor out on the field was shed while they talked. Although the commander showed her dependability and seriousness in important topics, as well as her light heartedness in others, there were many moments as if the commander was struggling with herself. Something she had never noticed during the many times they were out with others.

Samara did not know what to think about it, but in time, she found herself drawn to the enigma that was humanity. Or in this case, with Shepard. When she had said that she was looking forward to a colleague, she didn’t expect the kind of warmth that the spectre showed. Shepard was inviting, patient, funny, a little bit young and impulsive, but her heart was pure and unlike with them alone - in the field her stance and integrity never wavered. It also didn't pass her notice how Shepard was... fun and even- daring. A trait she had missed ever since she had pledged herself to being a mother and a justicar.

And so, as the missions came and went and they interacted with each other, Samara had found herself slowly opening up to the human and enjoying their conversations. Shepard had never made her feel crowded, something that some asari’s - and even other species have done before when they find out she was a justicar. Shepard was able to make her feel both as an individual and as a justicar. 

It was why slowly, but surely, Samara found their conversations becoming longer, familiar, most times they would sit on the floor, sometimes, they would be playing a familiar game on the seats of the deck and sometimes, Shepard would stay and meditate with her, even going as far as asking her if it would be alright to spend time away from the world and be in comforting presence.

_“Hey Samara.” Shepard greeted as the familiar whoosh of the door closed behind her._

_Samara ended her meditation as she smiled to herself, finding herself getting quite close to the commander and looking forward to their conversations._

_“Shepard, I have to say, I am thankful.” Samara said as she stood up and faced the human, opting to move to one of the chairs._

_“Thankful for what?” Shepard asked, following the asari and seating adjacent to her._

_“You have. How shall I say it, always been kind to me - kind in a way that you have always been careful around me. I appreciate the respect and I would just like you to know that you are welcome here anytime. You do not need to be so, pardon me for assuming, careful.” Samara found her words slightly flustered, though if it were to an observer, it was obvious the human spectre was much more flustered in that moment. “I enjoy our conversations. And from what you had asked earlier, I am not disagreeable of you spending time here to find solace while I meditate.”_

_Shepard rubbed the back of her head, a familiar action the asari found in some humans she had known, as if they were sheepish, or unsure.._

_“Thank you Samara.”_

_And in that moment, their talk became one of the longest conversations they have had, they shared knowledge of their planets, a little bit of history. Though Samara could understand if some of the asari history might make a human uninterested, it was not the case with Shepard who found it extraordinary._

_“Shepard?” she had asked one time “There are only a handful of beings who are interested in such history, most would be scholars, but not soldiers. Have you always been interested in these things?”_

_Again, Shepards hands went to the back of her head, scratching, as if finding the right words - her eyes did not meet her own._

_“Sometimes yeah, I do. But huh, let’s say I find how you, how do I say it... fascinating, like I don’t know - it just makes it better? You make it sound better? More interesting?” Shepard rambled on and the justicar found it, endearing._

_“That is quite a compliment. I am flattered you should think so.” and truly she was._

_Their conversation continued on that night until the soft alarm around the ship came and went, signalling the next batch of people to wake up and rest._

_“Fuck,” she heard the commander say, “I can’t believe it, we’ve been talking for five hours.”_

_The asari’s brow frowned in confusion. “Yes I believe so, is it a bad thing?”_

_Shepard looked at her in surprise. “No, no damn, no I mean - it’s wonderful, I love it- but I was supposed to talk with the other members of the team earlier - damn” Shepard laughed even though she said she had missed her deadline. “They’re probably asleep now.”_

_Samara nodded her head in understanding. Looking at it from a human perspective and from the perspective of the aliens who were not asari, or krogan, it was their time to rest._

_“I’m sorry we took so long Samara.” Shepard apologized, which once again surprised her as obviously she did not find it a fault._

_“I do not find the need to apologize Shepard, our conversation was quite wonderful. Perhaps I can share with you a small solution?”_

_“Yeah, sure of course - any solution is fine, we can work it in our techniques and I’ll discuss it with Miranda and the-”_

_Samara frowned, finding herself misunderstood. Carefully she touched the spectre’s hand trying to get her to notice despite the obvious that Shepard took her words differently._

_“Shepard -” she spoke, and the commander looked into her eyes. For the first time since they had met, Samara found herself lost in the startled green eyes, the sparkle of the lights outside reflecting in the human’s orbs._

_She removed her hand, satisfied that the commander was listening._

_“I would just like to suggest that you come to me after you are done with checking up with everyone else. I have little need to do but meditate and since I have disciplined myself with minimal requirements of rest, I can easily make myself available.” She gave the commander a smile._

_Shepard smiled back at her, a smile both innocent and relieved. “I’d like that. I mean -”_

_Their conversation stopped as Shepard started to yawn._

_This was the first time Samara found herself laughing, a small laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. Commander Shepard, was very endearing._

_“It seems I have tired you out Commander. Why don’t you rest? I shall be here should you wish to convene once more.”_

_With that, Shepard bid her farewell, and Samara found herself meditating with a lighter heart than usual._

It had now been marked the thirtieth hour of Shepard’s incapacitation. Samara watched from the dining area as other members of the crew came in to check on how Shepard was doing - it seemed all, even Jack had found themselves worrying for their commander.

She herself was also no doubt worried, but when the twenty fifth hour mark came, Shepard had seemed to be more at peace, and when Garrus came to in to visit- and he had tried to hold her hand, Shepard’s reaction changed minimally from it was her. Garrus had asked if she wanted reprieve from her duty, she had told the turian it was alright, but the turian shook his head, his sub vocals low, almost just a vibration. 

“Thank you Samara,” he said “I appreciate you caring about Shepard this way, as our commander of course. I just wanted to say that some of the team wanted to visit her- and I don’t know, but just like Mordin said, maybe it’s best the crew see her with me?”

Samara found this odd, though she understood the importance of the doctor / patient confidentiality that was being invoked. She also understood how someone would find it odd that it was her and not a dear friend she was holding onto.

And that was why, as she was sipping her drink, watching the crew come and go, to and from the med bay, Samara had been trying to think why she actually was so important to the commander.

And why it seemed, the Commander was turning to be so very important to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is connected to In Vino Veritas Chapter https://archiveofourown.org/works/24255457/chapters/61200184 - regarding Samara and Shep's first meeting.
> 
> \--------------------------
> 
> After writing this, I realized that some comments in the web is right, Liara is quite similar to Samara- at least in terms of human interaction. Maybe most asari are sure, but in this small scale, Liara was 106 and had been neck deep in protheans for 50, according to her Shepard was the most meaningful (or maybe first?) human she had interacted with, and so in that innocence it was obvious many of the humans norms are lost on her.
> 
> Samara, given that she had been in asari space for so long, and the humans have only recently entered the galactic space would obviously would have very, very little interactions with them. Most would probably be mercs- which isn't a good thing really.
> 
> It's just pretty amazing because they would essentially be the same, but one is riddled in innocence while one is with with experience - and both are let's just say lonely.


	6. Wrapped In Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Shepard's POV. A direct continuation of events from the previous chapters.  
> Our spectre is finally awake - and she finally realizes the very deep pit she had started to dig herself in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes mostly for myself. (LONG SAMARA AGE KNICK KNACKS)
> 
> According to the ME wiki, 1755 CE is when Samara found her daughters were Ardat Yakshi (F)  
> She has been pursuing Morinth for 430 years (400 in game dialogue). (Basically 2185 to set with the dates of ME2)
> 
> That means, at exactly 1755, Morinth ran away and within the span of 30 years, Samara decided to end her normal life, start being a justicar and so on. Seems short. Anyway.
> 
> Going backwards, and given that let's say Samara was 350 years old when she settled down, plus having her kids be diagnosed as "mature" at 40 to 60, so let's say 50. 
> 
> Samara turned mommy at 350, found out her kids were ardat yakshi at 400, became a full fledged justicar at 430ish, and now she's 880 when she meets Shepard.
> 
> The only real plothole is samara saying she's almost 1000 year old (maybe she doesn't celebrate birthdays?). And from other info in fexlife site - like her saying she has lots of centuries to live and that her unlockable power matches an asari matriarch, meaning she should be matron.
> 
> And this other one from the same site "According to the Codex, the Matron stage hits at around three hundred, earlier if the individual asari melds often, while the Matriarch stage hits at around seven hundred, or later if the individual melds infrequently. That's just a general outline, though.:
> 
> SO! to make this nice and smooth, Samara is a matron. She melded often during her crazy years (cause she's like Morinth as she says and as the unreleased files says) so she got ready to settle at around 200. Found her self pregnant, and after 50 years (250) (let's clump the three daughters near each other somehow) found her daughters were Ardat Yakshi, trained to be a justicar in 30 years (280), tried to find Morinth in 400 years (680)- puts her at around that time. 
> 
> And why isn't she a matriarch despite being almost 700? Because within that 400 + years, she stopped melding. Hooray!
> 
> TL:DR:
> 
> For an asari, Maiden, Matron, Matriarch - age is a state of mind. Literally, cause melding.

_“We are individuals who have forsworn family, children and wordly possessions aside from some weapons and armor.”_

Shepard found herself trapped in a haze, a haze that slowly dissipated as time passed - though how much time had passed she didn’t know. She saw nothing, heard nothing, but she did feel something. 

A comfort, a familiarity. 

At first it was a painful feeling, a feeling similar to the Prothean relic she encountered years ago, she knew she was screaming yet she heard no sound, she knew there were voices, yet she did not understand. Her eyes were open, the shapes were unfamiliar, the colors were different, it was more than just an alien experience. The only thing she felt familiar was the feeling of cold, of such cold and loneliness that expanded through her being, as if she was slowly being drenched in the coldest of waters, slowly being encased in ice. 

And then after a while, everything seemed to stop, she could still see nothing, hear nothing, but there it was, a comfort, and from there, she found herself in peaceful slumber.

“Samara-” Shepard spoke, the first words she said after being incapacitated for almost 38 hours now. It was meek, almost a whisper, but the well trained doctor heard it, and quickly she rushed inside the curtain.

“Is she awake?” The doctor asked the justicar who still had her hand within the human’s own.

“She is not. Though she seems to be - dreaming.” 

“There’s no violent actions or anything else happening?”

“That is correct, it has been peaceful for quite some time.”

“Alright, I’ll head down to Mordin, just to make sure we’re ready once Shepard awakes. I’ll leave you to it then, Samara.”

The justicar nodded, going back to watching the human on the med bed as Doctor Chakwas left the area.

“Samara-” Shepard spoke again, her hand now moving to hold the blue ones tight, the asari watched her, curious about the condition. Since the start of this event, Shepard had ceased to say anything else, and now that she spoke her first words, it was possible that the commander was coming back to life. Samara watched as Shepard started to move, though her body did not convulse like before, instead, the commander turned to the side, relaxing her body once again. The justicar was now face to face with the commander, whose face now totally seemed to be one of peace. 

The hand that held hers tightened, and slowly, Samara could see Shepards other hand move, gradually, extending as if looking for something. Samara watched as the hand flailed and then settled on her arm - the same arm that was holding the human’s hand. She watched as Shepard’s hand slightly clenched near her elbow, and slowly, carefully dragged itself down towards her hand once again. Taking her blue hand in between their own.

Just as she was, the med bay door opened, and inside the curtain came the two doctors. 

“Shepard started moving?” Doctor Chakwas asked.

“Yes, just now.” came the asari’s reply.

Mordin looked at the vitals then back at Shepard who was now curled into a relaxed fetal position.

“Vitals good, temperature normal. Diagnostics stable.” - he stopped when Shepard started moving again, this time, bringing both her hands up to her chest - clinging to Samara’s blue hand as if holding a precious toy. 

“Ah, yes good, Shepard should wake up soon. Her body in the last stage of sleep. Movement suggests sleep. Toxin is out of system. Everything is alright. Should wake up in a few minutes. Hm. Possibly within 20 to 30. Good results. Faster than usual.” Mordin nodded to himself, taking notes as he checked the diagnostics panel again.

Curious, Doctor Chakwas turned to ask the Salarian. “Mordin? This toxin, since you are familiar with it - what would have happened if let’s say Shepard didn’t have the cerberus implants, or have the ‘object of value’ nearby?”

Mordin took a deep breath. Finishing his diagnostics before turning back to the females in the room. “Possibly dire. Death would be quick without both. With Cerberus implants making Shepard stronger, would probably have her live. But in pain. Toxin affects nervous system. As time passes, nervous system will fry. Develop fever like symptoms even as her temperature lowers. In-fighting in the body. Without cure, Shepard may wake up, but damaged. Have not researched fully, but many have been unlucky. Can compare to rabid animals. Creature is very rare. But not inherently dangerous. Flight or fight system with flight coming out stronger. Again very lucky.”

With that, Mordin left the med bay, Chakwas stayed behind, watching the justicar and the commander. She coughed as she tried to get the asari’s notice. “Would you be alright with Shepard waking up like that?” 

“What do you mean doctor?” Samara asked, curious at how the humans would see the situation. The doctor had already known what was happening from the start, Samara didn’t think it was too deep of an issue. 

“Hmm how do I say it. Mordin says the venom acts like a drug, a hallucinogen that targets deep in the person's brain. It is true you are of value, as it is obvious over the course of time that has passed since we have had you in the Normandy. But in the human psyche, when it refers to the repressed thoughts wherein the ego is inactive, Shepard may not realize what she had done and said - that doesn’t make it any less important. Think of it as getting too drunk, and end up dancing naked because secretly you wanted to, but this time, you don’t remember getting drunk, or getting naked, but a part of you knows you still wanted to.” Chakwas tried to explain.

Samara nodded understanding the crux of the situation. Shepard would probably wake up and not know this had transpired, and it might come as a surprise to the commander to wake up and find her there. A part of Samara felt the pain, a sort of dejection. Whatever that had transpired would have seemed only to be a part of a dream, a dream that now had the chance to be fully forgotten, it was truly a lonely turn of events. 

Trying not to dwell on it, Samara looked at the human doctor and gave a rare smile, one though that did not meet her eyes. “Did you use the similarities of asari and their dancing ‘naked’ because I am an asari, doctor?” she asked.

At the flustered doctor who proceeded to ask for forgiveness, Samara’s smile turned to one of mirth. “It is alright doctor, I was… how would Shepard say it, trying to tease you.”

Chakwas blinked, and from there she watched as the asari turned her attention back on the sleeping commander, now comfortable. She could see the relationship they shared, and from Samara’s reaction, it seemed Shepard was a positive factor in the asari’s life as well.

Whatever implication it means, she did not know yet, but all she knew is that it was something she wasn’t going to put in the medical records. She wouldn’t trust cerberus with that.

Mordin was correct, within twenty minutes, Shepard stirred, as if coming to wake. When she opened her eyes, she was greeted by the curtains and lights in the med bay. Her body felt tired, yet she was oddly energized. The movement alerted Doctor Chakwas who pulled the curtains away.

“Good Morning Commander.” she greeted. “We’re so very happy to have you back.”

Shepard blinked trying to remember what happened. “We were- talking, I came in with Garrus and Kasumi and -” she tried to sit up slowly before realizing the beds in front of her were empty. “Where’s Jack? And Jacob?”

Chakwas moved to check her diagnostics again before speaking. “They’re alright commander, they’re back in their areas. What else do you remember?”

“Uh, not much, a little bit of a nightmare, but mostly it was a good sleep. Why?”

“Ah, you were out for around thirty nine hours commander.”

At the sudden exclamation, Chakwas found herself explaining to the commander what had happened. It did not entail all the details of what had transpired, notably on how the commander was dependent on the asari’s proximity. She did though mention how like a comatose patient, the presence of people were helpful, and she detailed how the crew visited her and that Samara, Mordin and Garrus took up most of the time.

“Samara did?” Shepard said, smiling despite herself.

“Yes... do you remember anything?” Chakwas asked cautiously.

“No, not really, but her scent is here.”

“Her scent?”

“Yeah, like, pheromones? I don’t know. It’s just like she was here. Maybe it’s just an asari thing, though I don’t exactly remember Liara back then. Huh.” Shepard did not dwell on this thought as if it was of little consequence and was not in any way surprising to anyone

The doctor nodded, taking note of it and deciding to ask Mordin later on. She had kept Shepard for a while longer to make sure everything was functional before allowing her to move out. 

Shepard found herself back in her room, and from there she bathed and changed. She could remember little still, only remembering the haze and then the comfort. Thirty nine hours was a long time to sleep, but she felt better at least. In all honesty she didn’t want to believe that was true, but from the crews obvious salutes and well wishes, it seemed like it were. Plus, the galactic time in the Normandy wouldn’t lie.

Quickly fixing herself up she decided to head back down and visit Miranda. 

When the door opened, Miranda was still on her terminal, but as she looked up at the Commander, Shepard was amused to find Miranda with a big smile.

“Shepard!” she said “I was going to go up and check on you.” 

“I didn’t expect you’d miss me Miranda.” Shepard smiled back, she honestly meant that, given that Miranda had usually been quite strict with her. Shepard moved to sit in front of the XO’s desk.

“I did, and if anything happened. Which let’s hope not. I would have wanted you to know that I truly was concerned for you. Not just because you’re captain.” she said quickly, knowing that anytime soon Shepard would find a way to be a smart-aleck.

The captain and the XO of the Normandy conversed, convening on the short briefing of what they had done and learned from the last grueling mission. Miranda had already collated all of the information and experiences from the rest of the crew and apart from a few minor planet side scans and recon that she herself headed, nothing major happened.

“Right now we’re moving towards the Eagle Nebula, but it’s still a few FTL jumps away before we can get to the Mass Relay system. We’ll probably have 20 hours to go before we get there. You should go visit the other members. I’ll work on the details here and have us convene later.” 

Shepard stood and thanked Miranda. Satisfied not only by how smooth the last few days were, but how Miranda was actually acting towards her.

Shepard debated on whether to stop by the observatory first or greet the other members of the team, but a part of her felt like the best thing to do was go there first, then come back.

It just felt… right. 

Without thinking about it much Shepard moved towards the observatory - finding it curious that it was empty. She opened the hologram for EDI but unfortunately EDI was having routine maintenance. It would take a little while.

With that Shepard decided to go and visit everyone else, she started with Garrus, giving the big lump a squeeze, then Kasumi who started teasing her about a certain sick bed visitor, then Thane who gave her a prayer, then those in the second deck, taking extra time to talk with Mordin, which she obviously missed doing.

By the time she finished with everyone, the Normandy’s system changed and the crew shuffled to the next shift. Many of those who now woke up, once again greeted her and wished her well. 

The redhead now found herself in front of the observatory deck. 

It was funny because she didn’t realize she was holding her breath as the door opened.

At the view of the asari meditating, she exhaled. Relief flooding through her.

She walked inside, waiting for the justicar to notice her.

Shepard didn’t know if it took longer than usual but the justicar finally stopped her meditation to notice her. “Shepard” she greeted in her usual tone before moving her head to look at her. The justicar nodded towards her, which led Shepard to sit down on the floor, her legs once again mimicking a relaxed fold. 

“Thank you for being there for me.” the spectre said, a half smile gracing her lips as she took the asari’s hand - almost as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

If Samara was surprised by the bravado, it didn’t show. As she let the commander’s hand squeeze her own before going back to rest on the human’s lap.

“You are welcome, though I know the team has also been there for you.” Samara usually didn’t skirt through topics, but from what Doctor Chakwas said, they had to be careful of the ramifications of how the psyche works and acts.

Shepard nodded, relaxing now as they turned to talk normally. “Yeah, I went ahead and spoke to them, I was glad that they cared - but I was glad you did too. Doctor Chakwas said you and Garrus kept visiting me. I appreciate that.” 

Samara stared at the void, a pang of loneliness piercing her, even though she knew that that would happen, it felt like there was a void in her that should have been filled with the knowledge that Shepard would know what had truly transpired. Unfortunately it seemed that was not the case and the thought would be best disregarded.

“Hey.” Shepard asked, interrupting her from her thoughts. “We’ve talked so much about the asari and human history and their worlds, but I never asked about you - about the justicars.”

Samara let her shields drop, as she found the conversation one she was definitely knowledgeable at, and the fact that they were conversing just like normal again. It did not remove the thought that invaded her mind in the darkest of places, but it proved a good way of getting back into a conversation. If there was something she was honest with herself it was that she was truly missing these moments they had. Shepard was the first out of many years of actual conversation she truly enjoyed engaging with, she did not think it would do well to deprive herself of small friendships.

Shepard never really had to hide her reactions, especially when she found out that Samara liked it, for in her words it was like ‘convening finally to someone that was not intimidated by her’. “That’s fascinating, knight errants? Samurai’s? Do you know much more about the histories? We haven’t really talked about it, but those are fascinating subjects, and to find the asari equivalent - given that you have lived centuries -it’s like talking to a celebrity.” 

“Again you flatter me Shepard. I studied the new members of the galactic society when I could - as during my maiden years when I voyaged, humans had yet to come into the galaxy. I find that the human race is the most individualistic of the species I have encountered.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Samara was unable to not grace the commander with a fond smile. “I like your species, I am curious to see what you could do.” 

Shepard gave her a smile, although she couldn’t understand why it was so- sad, the feeling that burst in her chest was painful, an indescribable emptiness. She shared a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m glad that the asari live long then, you’ll be able to see many of humanities achievements at least.”

Samara found herself unable to respond to that - as the commanders words made her realize the reality that despite her age, she would still outlive Shepard not only because Shepard was a soldier but that even though Shepard could reach the ripe old age humans were able to be, it was still far off from her own life span. 

The quiet they shared was heavy but true to Shepard’s usual rambunctiousness, the spectre spoke again.

“The justicar code,” she asked, “does it involve romantic involvement?” Shepard didn’t know what compelled her to ask, but it seemed like the most normal of reactions to the long sad life span of an asari. To have sworn to a code that was a millenia in age, to be different and always be working alone. 

Samara couldn’t help but stare, surprised at the question. Yet she moved to look back at her companion and found herself once again trapped in the innocence that the green eyes invoked. Though this time, she consciously tried to make sure she had a distance between them, remembering the doctors words earlier.

“It does not.” 

Shepard could feel her throat restrict, in the second of nothingness that followed, she could feel as if her heart was being crushed, like a steady descent to the highest peak of a roller coaster, waiting to be thrown down into an abyss.

“However - I would never be interested in such, that part of my life is behind me.”

That in turn made the commander blink, although she felt it should have crushed her more, the ease of how the justicar replied made it possible to continue the conversation.

“But, what if you meet someone that makes you feel that way again? To be interested, to share a moment, live, to love - to be?” Shepard spoke her words like a true human, a passionate one at that. She conveyed it so as she waved her hands and spoke her mind, she understood what Samara stood for, but there should be more to life than that.

“Oh Shepard, I almost a thousand years old, I know myself and my desires.” Technically it was still a few centuries, but certain number of years may not matter to a race whose lifespan only included a century and a half.

“You gotta be kidding? You look no more than four hundred! No three hundred, no wait - how does late 30’s convert to asari age..” 

Samara was taken aback by that, she watched the human who was now moving her fingers as if counting, and then checking her omnitool - probably about conversion. But as she watched the spectre and her reactions, Samara found herself deeply touched.

“I don’t believe it” Shepard said as she turned to her again. “You’re gorgeous, I mean, you’re a matron right? Yeah. Definitely, not a day more than a matron’s earliest age. If you don’t mind, in the human world it’s rude to ask about the ages, how old are you?”

Samara couldn’t help but have a smile brought to her face, there was definitely something about Shepard that was endearing, and she, despite the walls she had always kept in place for everyone, Shepard was proving it to be difficult to not get attached, at least at a friendly level as she had told herself. 

“I am near seven hundred.”

The spectre released a low whistle, the surprise in her face evident, that Samara couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Yeah, no, you tell me otherwise but you don’t look a day over three fifty, tops. Even if you hit the matriarch age, I'm sure you’re going to break so many hearts still.” 

Samara shook her head, a soft smile forming as she watched Shepard’s unbridled admiration for her.

“I thought you said three hundred?” Samara asked, unable to stop the teasing banter.

“Ha. You’re right, I checked the conversion though to human years so I had to follow that, but the point still stands.”

“You are a very curious human, Shepard. I find the quality, endearing and I am glad you are one of the humans I have had the pleasure to befriend with... Your curiosity with regards to this topic is quite welcome.”

Shepard could not find a reply. The smile the justicar sent her way after that felt like it ignited her insides. 

Contradictory to what they had talked about, even though Samara said she was not looking for any involvement, Shepard had realized just now, that she had fallen so very deep into those reflective grey eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes for myself
> 
> Shepard was born: 2154  
> Shit Starts: 2183  
> Shepard revives 2185  
> 2186: Is the year when the ending didn't happen.
> 
> I find it amazing, we have so much feels in a span of three years. Shepard falls in love, dies and so on and has only really been living that life in three years. It's just so jam pack, so sad.  
> Also by 2186 Shepard would be around 31 years old (Christian tidbit, Jesus died around 34 at youngest) and it's just. 31? Damn, in a few years I'll be 31 and the only thing I have in common with the commander is I have a hamster. 
> 
> On a real note! I'm glad this is where we find ourselves in the story, it seemed important somehow Shepard starts acknowledging her feelings, though not exactly - but it's good it's finally established. I'm actually interested because the whole creature thing could be an AU to a different story, but we'll just add it to this world building and make do. 
> 
> Finally some sweet shit.


	7. When Words Are Not Spoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Such drama. Everything else is going well squad wise.  
> Only, it wasn't going very well for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be chapter four. It seemed so much had transpired after anyways.

_“It is rare for a justicar to leave asari space but I must follow my oath, if I suffer for it, I will accept that”_

“This is it, last dossier. It’s time to complete this ship, - I miss having Mordin in my squad.” Shepard gave a pout as she dramatically embraced herself in front of half her team- a team that had already come to celebrate a camaraderie with her. Sure it’s not exactly with each other, as Miranda and Jack still have never rode the elevator together - but if there was anything that was sure, it’s that she was very much amicable with them.

Best friends? Probably not.

Beer buddies? Maybe.

Likely not to kill each other for accidents in the Normandy? Definitely.

And after her crazy unconscious episode, she found herself being much more open to the team, something that they probably have also realized, though did not question.

Right now, in the meeting room with her was Miranda, Jacob, Garrus, Mordin and Samara. Which coincidentally most of them are the ones she had usually brought planetside.

“Ha. Not a problem, Shepard. Almost finished with implementation. Seeker swarm... *inhale* a challenge. Good challenge. Been a while.” Mordin’s fast talk was very much endearing. Shepard had dealt with only a few Salarians in her time, but Mordin was already proving very hard to beat. “Will be able to fight… very soon.”

“That’s what I like to hear! So our next planet - Miranda, any info?” Miranda waved her hand and a hologram of a planet appeared. 

“This is Korlus, where the warlord Okeer should be. it’s going to be around 10 hours before we land. The travel advisory has always been proven to have civilians **not** enter the system. Second highest in capita murder rate in the whole terminus system and the first in offworld murder. It’s also not a very pretty planet, given that it’s been a dump site for many old ships and the like.” 

“Okay, not a good planet for a countryside vacation then.” Shepard sniffed as she looked at the fine print in the screen in front of her, taking notes of temperature, landing area, possible trouble points and the like. As she concentrated on the map in front of her, her teammates- who have also had their own bout of camaraderie - had begun talking to one another.

“Garrus?” Samara asked, Shepard blinked as she heard the voice of the justicar, although she did not make it obvious as she kept her head down, she strained to listen to what they were talking about. Never mind that Jacob and Mordin were also conversing. 

“Has Shepard always been…” Samara tried to find the word.

“Eccentric? Quirky? Crazy? Hyper? Delirious? Likes touching herself?” Garrus quickly added, it was actually a longer list of adjectives that Shepard didn’t actually follow. Not that she minded, Garrus was very much a best friend to her, an intergalactic alien best friend at that. He had been with her since the first Normandy and knew most of her… quirks already. 

“Ah.” the asari replied seemingly lost for words. “Then is it a human trait? Miranda does not seem inclined to such… light heartedness.”

Garrus gave a chuckle, his vibrations very much obvious to the team. Shepard glanced a look at Miranda, and although like her Miranda kept her head low as if she was checking data, the clench of her jaw said otherwise. 

“It’s probably a very Shepard trait.” 

“You are probably right.” the asari replied. 

The meeting went on ahead, and the team dispersed. Those who were not part of the initial planning were given a run down of the planet and the main plan of action.

Shepard passed the others, there were still ten hours to go, and she owed the duo engineers a rematch at poker. Just as she was to access Mordin’s lab, she heard the familiar voice of the justicar and the scientist.

“Samara. A word if you please.” Mordin said as he coughed.

“Is there anything you need Professor?” came the asari’s reply.

“Take care of Shepard on Kolus. Mostly dangerous. Guns. Mercs. Killing. Normal day for a soldier. But in event what happened on _that_ planet could happen again *inhale* ramifications are dire. Krogan warlord very dangerous. Krogan warlord in dangerous planet --- could be ---- disastrous…. Even civilians in Kolus pose as actual danger. Very crafty.”

Shepard could hear the pause in the interaction, she could essentially go and turn and walk from Jacob’s area, but a part of her felt compelled to listen in.

“I see. But would it not be better if it were Garrus you would talk to? He seemed to be very fond of the commander as well.”

Shepard could practically hear Mordin nodding his head.

“Yes very true. But Garrus safe. Best friends with Shepard. Been together since first Normandy. You on the other hand. Always part of Shepard’s squad now. Been planetside more than all humans combined. Probably. Could beat the score. But I am ---- usually busy. Seeker swarm field important. Not to mention - the object of value. Very real. Cannot be unnoticed.” Mordin’s voice ended in a whisper at the end part, slightly discernible to the human’s ears that were listening outside.

Shepard didn’t hear whatever the justicar’s reply was. She didn’t want to. The redhead turned heel and left via Jacob’s doorway, she saw Samara enter the elevator - normally she had no problem and would have wanted to be there - but this time, she did not try to face the justicar or meet her eyes, instead she went straight to the cockpit. 

It was time for her to choose her squad. There would be only an hour left before they went planetside. As if routine, Shepard almost requested for Samara to join her, but at the last second she was able to move her hand away from the console and take a breath. 

“EDI?” Shepard called 

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Tally the team, how many times have I brought them with me planetside?”

“Will this be for missions or with regards to any landing on the said planet?”

“All. Even without immediate missions. Just include the ones with me, not the ones taken out for secondary teams.”

“One moment please. Jacob 2. Zaeed 2. Jack 3. Kasumi 3. Thane 5. Miranda 6. Garrus 9. Mordin 12. Samara 18 ”

Before Shepard could reply, the terminal beeped and Miranda came on the comms.

“Commander.” came the genetically perfect posh voice. 

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“I have debriefed Samara on the mission, who will be your second?”

Shepard blinked, and if looks could kill the computer would have been set on fire. 

“Samara has been debriefed?” the hitch in Shepard’s voice was more than obvious.

“Of course commander, from analyzing the data in all of your planetside missions, you performed exceedingly well when she was in your immediate team.” The fact that Miranda had said it ever so factually felt wrong. 

Was she that obvious?

Miranda didn’t seem to think it was anything out of the ordinary. Or maybe she was just perfect that way and didn’t care as long as it gave good results.

“Let’s take two teams Miranda.”

“Two- are you sure? It’s just a pick up mission.”

“You said it yourself, the planet is a buffet for murder and... trash we’ll need an extra squad to watch our backs. Not to mention we don’t know if this warlord is going to be on our side.”

“This is noted Shepard, do you have any arrangements in mind?”

Shepard bit her lip as she stared at the now lighting up hologram of her squad. The panel clicked with two colors compared to the usual one tone which was usually her immediate two squadmates. 

“You and Jack come with me. Garrus, Zaeed and Jacob can provide cover fire..”

“Shepard…” Miranda’s voice hitched, not believing what had just transpired. “I have already briefed the justicar, we can’t just -” 

Shepard quickly cut her off, cutting the air with her hands as if Miranda was physically present. “Fine, Garrus, Samara and Zaeed will be team two then.” 

“Are you sure that’s a good --” the XO was unable to finish her sentence as her terminal and omnitool beeped at the same time. The squad had been chosen and the information was already sent to the said members.

Shepard closed the comm channel and sat dejectedly on her chair. She held her head in her hands dragging a hand over her face. This was unnerving.

What made her lose her cool was the fact that even Miranda had seemed to notice her growing interest with the justicar, not that there was anything wrong with that. The asari was very capable, and it went well with Garrus due to him sniping and then going all out in the battlefield, with her being a vanguard - it was the perfect scenario. The thing is, even if Miranda seemed logical in her conclusion about her abilities when in battle - a part of her just felt wrong, add the fact that she had been feeling different towards the justicar since their last talk and how rattled she was at the fact that she was so very obvious, given that the asari was usually on her team.

Still, it wasn’t some kind of vote or a pageant show, Shepard went with who she wanted to, and if they fit the planet. Better. 

Settling in with that train of thought, Shepard left her cabin to get ready. 

Down in Kolus, everything looked grim. It did not help that Jack and Miranda didn’t get along. One bad thing piled up on top of the other and it was all her fault for letting shit get into her nerves that quickly. 

“Hey cheerleader, maybe you stick to guns? Your biotics feel weak, it won’t even hit thrice as much as I could at the same time.” came Jack’s taunting as she went ahead - actually going faster than her. “I’ve heard you couldn’t even take on animals- bugs at that.”

Miranda tried hard to keep her cool, but for some reason, maybe it was the numerous mercenaries, maybe it was the dust, maybe it was the fact that the loudspeaker of Jedore kept shouting every few seconds but she felt a little more from the convict and she would break. 

Jack on the other hand seemed to be having a blast. 

“Damn Shepard, you should let me come out here more often, gets sucky having to bond as a second team - this is where all the fun is at.” Jack released another wave of biotics that hit a hidden merc straight in the chest. 

“Not all missions require your loud destruction, Subject Zero. That’s why you were unable to complete the last mission. Sometimes it requires precise-” Miranda was cut off as a very angry biotic charged straight into her face.

“Do not fucking call me that, Cerberus bitch.” Jack’s voice was low, dangerous - honestly the girl was always dangerous to begin with. But the infighting in a very much open and hostile surroundings was definitely not going to go well with their plan.

“If you’re going to act like an animal just set free then maybe you should be better caged.” Miranda’s taunts were just like her biotic, precise and to the point. 

Before Jack could react Shepard set off her gun upwards, breaking the bickering squad apart momentarily.

“If you both can’t fucking play nice then fucking play dead for all I care. You-” she pointed at Miranda. “Stop letting her get to you, you’re supposed to be the perfect one. And you” she looked at Jack “stop fucking antagonizing the XO of the Normandy, you don’t have to like her sure, but we’re in this squad, and she deserves your respect while we’re here - and while I’m here - you follow my orders and my lead. So get back in line.” Shepard said, stressing her final words.

Jack opened her mouth to say something but then snapped them back shut. The convict gave Shepard a sneer and went to stand behind her, all the while muttering. “Sure, but the asari bitch gets to play which bad guy goes boom - every-fucking-time.”

Shepard stopped in her tracks, it took all her willpower to follow her earlier words and not let it get to her. But the shame she had felt earlier for being so transparent, the fact that she couldn’t believe she had been so obvious, the overthinking of the whole situation did not set well with her. It wasn’t a very big issue, it shouldn’t have been a big issue, but it was - and it was so important to her - the justicar - that she just couldn’t let it go. 

It was her turn to go toe to toe with Jack. 

“Never call Samara a bitch.” Shepard whispered, venom in her voice and steel in her eyes as she looked the convict down.

For a second Jack’s eyes sparked with anger but before she could retaliate, an explosion sounded not far from their position. 

If Miranda noticed anything unusual, she kept it to herself as she went on her guard.

Multiple mercs came outside from every possible position going forward, which was just fine really with the biotic trio. Jack and Shepard released their anger towards the mercs in a way that was violent yet beautiful in their synchronicity. Miranda was able to work her biotics in precise attacks in the aftermath of every blast and shout that enveloped the battlefield. All the little mercs in the cracks that were able to save themselves from the vanguard and the convict met their equally terrible fate in the hands of the Cerberus prodigy.

From farther behind them Garrus’ mandibles moved and clicked as he stared down the scope of his rifle. 

“It’s like they're having some kind of crazed party.” The turian said as he looked up from the scope. Even without the scope he could see the flash of blue and purple that signified a biotic attack, and even without the scope, the magnitude of the attacks were so strong.

Zaaed gave a low laugh as he added in the commentary. “Not just that, did you see them fighting? Bunch of crazy gals these three are. I knew Miranda and Jack would break - but Shepard suddenly going toe to toe with Jack? That was priceless. They looked just about ready to draw some blood.”

Given that she didn’t have a sniper rifle to see what was happening from afar, Samara found it curious as to why Shepard was having trouble. It worried her, mostly due to Doctor Solus’ words earlier - and the fact Miranda had asked her to join planet side. Curious as it may be because even Samara believed she would be part of the Commander’s immediate team. 

This was the very first time Shepard had placed both Miranda and Jack together - something that she had been careful never to do before. From Zaeed’s earlier words of possible antagonism and then from the obviously strong biotics that were erupting from the first squad’s area - it seemed there was something amiss. Unfortunately, she was very much far from the commander, and her orders were to stay with the second squad. 

It was painful and if she were honest with herself, it felt like a sting since she was so used to working with the spectre. Shepard had barely even looked at her the whole time they were prepping in the Normandy, and while on the shuttle. It was an unfamiliar, and unwelcome feeling.

The three women found themselves talking to one of the agitated merc, he was wounded, though seemed to be thinking his wound was worse than it was. 

“Why don’t you go limp over a shady spot? Nice little place to bleed out.” Shepard said as she moved her head to tell the merc to keep going. Something that her squad replied to.

“Funny.” Jack said.

“But was that completely necessary?” Miranda asked

Shepard shook her head, not turning to look at Jack but sparing an upturned smile at Miranda.

“Nah, but it felt good after what happened a while back. Let’s move out and find this krogan breeder.”

The two groups moved onward, battling both tank bred krogans and mercs as well as seeing many already gone, a temporary part of the desolate station. 

The biotic trio moved ahead, with the second squad in close range, though on higher ground.

They stopped when they saw a krogran battling - the krogan turned to them coming dangerously close to the commander. From behind her she could hear Miranda and Jack starting their biotics, while Zaeed’s voice in the comms blasted through her ears.

“Got a shot lined up-”

Shepard raised her hands up slightly to calm everyone down. She waited for the krogan to speak, curious at never once did any alien come up to her body and try to… sniff her. 

As they gathered more information, most of the squad shared their own opinions. The realization that the krogan was tank bred and was only seven days old came as a surprise to all of them. 

Garrus turned to talk in their ears “Glad he’s friendly, imagine fighting so many krogans who are only seven days old and you get wounded Shepard, got beat by a baby.”

“All right, can you lead us to this Jedore?” Shepard asked the krogan, raising her middle finger upwards to make sure the Turian saw it, and when the turian’s sub vocals laughed in her ear, she was sure the message got across.

When the krogan moved to offer a path to Jedore, all six watched as the krogan heaved a giant metal slab out of the way. It was Samara’s turn to react - along with a low ‘shit’ coming from Zaeed.

“Impressive, such raw physicality.” came the reaction of Samara, in which Shepard found herself with a sudden tick in her jaw. Garrus banter was one thing, but this one hit her as well, but in a different, more primal way.

The group moved on, leaving the tank bred krogan to wait where he was - as what he believed to do best.

As another bout of fighting came, and as Jedore’s voice went on all the loudspeakers in the area - a different voice buzzed into her comms. 

“Shepard? That’s you isn’t it? Watch for me at the lab I owe you.” 

The comm cut directly afterwards, leaving her confused - she knew that voice but couldn't exactly place who---.

“We’re headed to the lab next, hopefully we’re almost there-” She told her group.

When they did reach the lab, she was surprised to find the same asari she encountered back then- the one with Saren in the labs - Rana Thanoptis. Shepard thought about how this asari got caught up in all these crazy schemes, when she let the asari go, Garrus once again came into the comms.

“Was that who I think it was? I’m all for second chances, but third? You’re really growing nice in your old age.” he said, laughter in his tone.

“Shut up Garrus.”

The team went on ahead, and from the next person who greeted them was a krogan, an old one at that. It was safe to assume that that was Okeer. 

When the battle was all said and done, Shepard and the team were back in the shuttle en route to the Normandy. Shepard could only shake her head at the very heavy package that was with them.

“Why can’t anything just be simple for once.” she said as she removed her helmet and placed her face in her hands. She was back again to a more lighthearted manner compared to when she was in the battlefield earlier.

Garrus’ voice made a low rumble, “Hey I was pretty easy, we already knew each other.”

Shepard gave a hark of laughter, throwing the turian a smirk. “Hell it was, Zaeed was easier, I had to get through three sets of mercs throwing themselves at us because of you.”

“Point taken, I thought it was just business as usual for you.” The pair shared a light hearted moment but when Shepard accidentally met the justicar’s eyes, green eyes shot itself downcast all the way back to the Normandy.

Back in the ship, Shepard found herself standing in front of the krogan in a test tube.

“Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested alien technology.” EDI’s AI voice said as Shepard debated on the clearing of the krogan.

“Fine, we’ll do it some other day then. I’ll think about it.”

She left the cargo bay and wandered back up, deciding to convene with Miranda first. 

“Shepard, I’m glad you’re here. I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking for your help.” Miranda wasted no time in closing the door behind her, even though she had barely walked past. “I don’t like discussing personal matters, but-”

Shepard blinked her eyes in confusion, but regained herself to take part in the conversation. “Yeah, of course- you’re part of my crew, what can I do?”

The two women convened, and Shepard found herself quite excited at the prospect to help Miranda, personally as it may be. The last time they had talked in the XO’s office was one of pleasant surprise, and if Miranda found it in her to be open - then why not? Plus, given that Miranda’s father and mother seemed to be so far back in the past - Miranda feeling responsible for her sister’s safety was touching. 

With newfound conviction, Shepard moved to continue checking on her crew, surprising her - because at that moment, it seemed she received four new personal requests. Not that she minded- not in the least. 

Zaeed finally found the perfect price for his time with her as a merc, Kasumi had a date to where the party she had been waiting for was to happen, Jack had finally finished snooping the Cerberus databases for what she was looking for - and Garrus finally tracked down the asshole that made his life in Omega harder.

“Garrus?” she asked just as she got all the information from him. “It’s surprising, you know how I talk to everyone right? It’s just, now - just now - I’ve done the rounds, I’ve been to almost everyone, and it seems all at the same time, the squad is asking things of me personally. I don’t mind, I like it. But I wonder why now.”

Garrus’ mandibles moved, as if he was going to say something but then decided against it. Quietly the turian decided to sit beside one of the crates Shepard was sitting on.

“I don’t know about the others, but you remember the time you were out for a while? I thought we would lose you, Mordin said it was lucky that you had Cerberus implants, or you wouldn’t have made it. I’m sure you noticed Miranda has been acting pretty nice towards you - and even towards me, we even chatted at lunch, at the first morning you were out cold- and I mean that literally, cause you were cold.”

“Were you afraid I’d die?”

“Of course we were, and I guess it’s selfish, but in this team? You’re the only one we could really count on. For Miranda, let’s just say that at least now she’s really opening up, and maybe telling you that - about her family, her fears? It's a vulnerability coming from her, but damn I’m bad at this - but we trust you. That’s it. She trusted you to make sure we live through our days doing this - but now she also trusts you to help her family, and I think that’s swell.”

Shepard laughed, punching the turian on the arm. “Growing soft there huh, Garrus? But yeah thanks, I’m glad my people could trust me.” 

Shepard then decided to visit the others, Thane and her discussed more about how the drell and the hanar came to be, Jacob shared a little about his admiration for his father and his life back on Earth. She made the conscious decision to avoid the asari at all cost, even if it did pain her, even if it made her feel petty and unprofessional.

In the end she decided to stop by Mordin, hoping they could get to talk more- professionally and otherwise.

“Shepard, how can I help?”

“How are things going?”

Shepard quickly moved to sit - a special little crate she had asked to be permanently placed in the lab - given that talking to Mordin was one of the meatier conversations she had it was good to find a place to sit down. 

They talked extensively about the genophage, most likely because there was a krogan - tank made, not born - that was on board. The conversation quickly headed to reach that way. It was amazing to her how much Mordin has done given his a salarian’s lifespan - and how much he knew. 

“Thank you for telling me about this Mordin, I’m sure not a lot of people know. I’m honored.”

Mordin nodded his head, two quick sharp nods as he gave the commander a grim smile.

“Of course Shepard. Wanted you to know I am willing to do what’s necessary.”

“And what about our Seeker Swarm? Any updates?”

“Yes. Perfect timing. Swarm ready. But will have to ask. Tank bred krogan. Will you release him?”

Shepard took a moment to answer but nodded her head anyways. “I’m only ninety percent sure. One way or another i’ll be dealing with him anyways. I’m just having EDI work on possible fortifications in the cargo hold just in case.”

“Good. Swarm field ready but if krogan will join need to implement swarm with krogan adaptability. Will take a few days. Must make strain viable for krogan. Many aliens. Many possibilities. Good challenge anyways. Human, turian, drell, asari, salarian - now krogan.”

The commander acknowledged that. If Mordin only had to do one more, then that wasn’t going to be too long now. She could then focus on her team's personal missions while waiting.

Shepard walked back towards her room. It was a struggle to rest- a part of her knew that the day was incomplete - she had done a mission, did recon, did discussions, worked out another EDI / Joker argument - made better ties with her crew - but the most important thing that went hand in hand with her daily life did not occur. With a sigh, Shepard turned up the sound in her room and closed all the lights - even the ones in the aquarium - and waited til the darkness could envelop her.

Two floors below, an asari justicar found herself in troubling thoughts that even her meditation couldn’t provide her peace. In the end, she simply stared at the galaxy like a normal being, with her knees huddled close to her chest.

Again, the unwelcome feeling burned in her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until when are they going to be like this? Until when will Shepard be a shit? Who knows?
> 
> More development in the next chapter - more about them, less about others.
> 
> Finally! Update on loyalty missions and the Horizon - we're moving onwards!


	8. Starting New Friendships and Shattering Little Cuppys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tackling the loyalty first few loyalty missions, Shepard finds smooth sailing until Miranda comes in and makes her feel things that she had been trying hard to ignore. 
> 
> A great ending with our savior blacking out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This focuses on Miranda's loyalty on Illium.
> 
> Yes Illium! You know what else is on Illium? Oriana.
> 
> Well, who else? Liara! But she's not starring here.
> 
> There's one more! It's also not Shiala, sorry. BUT I LOVE THIS CHAPTER HAHA. It's the most fun i've ever written for this story, and i'm really glad because the last one felt a bit wrong - but this chapter is great. At least for me - haha.

_“A room that looks out on the great empty void would be most comforting”_

Shepard had done a total of four of her crew’s personal missions. Garrus’ in the Citadel, just in time as finally she was able to look around the now being rebuilt galactic center- not to mention, she was able to buy more fishes and catch up with Anderson. Something that she had dreaded to do for a while now. 

She was also able to secure Jack’s loyalty by finally bombing the awful place that Pragia was - Cerberus as it was, rogue or not, it was definitely a lab being serviced by monsters. The fact that she herself was very much into blowing the whole place up made Jack all the more become open to her. Shepard couldn’t say it to the convict, but a part of her also felt that since she was a biotic, if things didn’t go the right way, then who knows, it could have been her. She could have been one of those experimented on like Jack, or be in the place of Jack. It was a shuddering thought to think about. All she knew is she was glad that it was all done, and she truly hoped that Jack would find it in herself to move forward.

Kasumi’s mission was great. She didn’t exactly like going out in a dress- mostly because she had been so used to being in armor and in Alliance uniform that it felt so weird to have her body on display. The last time Shepard even probably wore a dress was before she had that first glory that made her a spectre. But it was fun, at least in the first half of it all, there was always something dangerous and enjoyable in doing things in cover - and even though she had a thrill of being a vanguard and just straight up knocking out her enemies, there’s a reason she favored using a sniper rifle from time to time. The anticipation, the drama, the feeling of pouncing slowly til you got to your target? It was a different kind of rush. Plus, she enjoyed the art that Hock had. Going so far as having EDI have most of them scanned so she could learn more about them.

Zaeed’s mission was tougher, morally. She liked the man, she admired the man, he was tough, and he had heart - even as a merc, but she couldn’t find it in herself to let those civilians die. It was also because it wouldn’t be honorable - just as Samara had said, the fact that it piled up on her - made her swallow her indecision - despite usually allowing the concerned squadmate on how the mission would go, she called it off and went to save the workers. When they got back to the Normandy she truly was concerned if Zaeed would decide to leave - but he stayed. Shepard was thankful for that, and she promised the merc that whatever happened, when all of this is over - she would continue to help him. Free of charge.

Now, they were headed towards Illium. Miranda had finally found the time Cerberus would be helping her sister, and so they needed to get there just in time to be able to safeguard her, whatever happens. A few hours before they touched down on Illium, Miranda came online to ask if she could be allowed to come up to her cabin.

When Miranda arrived, Shepard offered her a seat, they discussed the plan of action, and Shepard could see how much it meant to the prodigy to make this work. There was one plan, and one plan only, but Miranda had seemingly counted for every possible mistake or unplanned action to happen - and had a contingency for each of them.

“We’re going to do this, Miranda, Orianna is gonna be safe.” Shepard said after the prodigy finished discussing the plan.

“How are you so confident, Shepard?” Miranda asked, casting her tired eyes towards the redhead. She had spent so many sleepless nights working through every possible kinks in the mission, nothing else would be important right now - maybe not even the collectors when it came to her sister.

“I don’t know. I have to be. So far things have gone well with the team - there’s no reason our mission wouldn’t be. I have faith in you, in us, in the team. No, I’m not going to go soft on Cerberus, maybe never. But you and Jacob and Kelly and Ken and Gabby and Gardner and everyone in this ship, hell even EDI I guess. Even if you fly the Cerberus flag... you’re my Normandy SR-2 family now. I’m your captain, your commander. I’ll do everything that needs to be done…” Shepard gave the other a soft smile before placing her hands at the back of her head and looking up, exhaling as she did so. “As long as I’m doing it honorably of course.” 

Shepard could feel Miranda’s eyes on her, probably by the fact that even she was pretty proud of herself for that impromptu little speech. 

“Thank you.” 

“That’s what friends are for right?” Shepard asked with a tilt of her head, offering a cocky smile at the biotic.

“Of course, Shepard. But -”

“Oh no, what’s this but? I didn’t do anything and get promoted to be Cerberus Admiral right? That’s gonna be a tough decision to say no to.” she said, letting her usual humor shine. Because obviously even so, she wouldn’t betray the Alliance after this.

“Since we’re friends, I wanted to ask you about something.”

“As long as it’s not another favor - ha. I’m joking.”

“It’s about Samara.” The genetically perfect Cerberus prodigy was always like that, on point, and Shepard wasn’t really able to deflect the statement with a word or movement.

“Ah.” was what she simply said, carefully measuring her tone to one of aloof indifference. “Does she require anything? A new room? New menu? Gardner poisoning the aliens again?” Shepard said, trying to laugh off the situation as she moved to remove her relaxed position and fixed her seating, albeit stiffly, holding her hands to each other as it rested on her lap.

“Shepard, you’re trying to deflect the situation.”

“I don’t see any situation Miranda.” the redhead simply said, shrugging- not meeting the other’s eyes. 

“You know what I mean.”

“Of course I do - I mean I don’t.” Shepard now looked away fully, turning her head to the side to avoid looking at her companion. 

“You went to the last six missions planetside without her-”

“I have a lot of team members, Miranda. We all need to stretch our legs once in a while. Anyway, want a drink? Garrus gave me another cheap wine, but hey I love the big lug for it.”

“I’m not here for wine Shepard. I’m here for you.”

“And i’m okay.” Shepard stood up, she was now uncomfortable with the situation, as she was sure Miranda knew, but even so - she really didn’t want to think about the justicar - Samara already invaded every conscious and unconscious thought she had. Yes she had not asked for the asari to be brought planetside, yes the only time Samara came in was during a secondary squad mission that was very very far away from her squad, yes she had avoided the observatory for days - yes she knew all that, but the Justicar always in her head - Miranda didn’t have to tell her. She knew how antagonizing it all was.

“Come on Miranda, you’re here for the planning for your sister right? We’ve done it, we’re good.” Shepard relaxed her stance, raising her eyes back to meet her. “Do you still want that wine?”

With an uncharacteristic frown Miranda stood up, datapads on hand. “Fine Shepard, you say these things like ‘friends’ but you act to push me away. If you keep this up then I feel pretty sorry for the Justicar. For your friends, or I guess supposed friend, Samara, for spending more than thirty five or whatever hours by your bedside and practically never left. Sorry to waste your time, Commander.” Miranda quickly left the room, leaving a shell shocked and dejected Shepard crawling on her bed - her work clothes still on. 

When they finally got to Illium, Shepard had Miranda and Thane come with her - it had been so long since she had interacted with the justicar, and since they both seem to be doing well enough, she didn’t find it in herself to need to do any changes. Miranda had still acted cold, though, Thane was respectful enough - that’s why she had him join her in the mission, even if Thane knew something was up, he made sure he didn’t let it get to him - just as it should be.

They had finished talking to one of Miranda’s contacts in Illium and so far it seems no more than five minutes into the mission kinks had to get in the plan that Miranda didn’t anticipate - Eclipse mercenaries. Shepard didn’t want to say anything - she already knew that she was in hot waters with the biotic, no need to add fuel to the fire.

“I’m sorry Shepard,” Miranda said, not looking at her, I wasn’t planning on the mercs, but they weren’t planning for you I’m sure - so they’ll be getting the shorter end of the stick here.”

Shepard didn’t say anything, but she let Miranda lead the way, if Miranda was able to be humble about it - even though they did have an altercation earlier, then it really left a bad taste in her mouth. Miranda was perfect, but Miranda wasn’t supposed to be the nice one- later, later she would apologize as well, but right now, she’ll just have to make sure her head was in the mission.

“So. You stole a baby?” Shepard said, trying to wrap her head around it. It wasn’t the best question but right now she needed everything to be as simple as it could be.

“Yes - technically but I rescued her - she’s almost a woman now. I did it because I knew what my father would do, I wanted to give Oriana a better life than that - a better life than what he did to me...” Miranda cast her eyes downwards before moving on ahead. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, it didn’t seem to matter as long as I would know Oriana is safe and we’re saving her - then that’s what mattered.”

Once they finally got to the top level of the docks, it quickly turned into a firefight. Niket betrayed Miranda - because Miranda’s father unfortunately used him as a pawn - Miranda technically has no friends from her past now and had to watch as the man she was supposed to kill - and then spare - get shot down mercilessly

When they finally reached Illium commons again, Shepard would be lying if she weren’t holding her breath - but there she was, Oriana, talking with her family. 

“Don’t you want to talk, maybe say hello?” Shepard asked, finally initiating a conversation between the two of them.

Miranda shook her head, stubbornness and pride raising its ugly head “It’s not about what I want, it’s about her. She’s happy, she’s safe, and I’ll just complicate that for her.”

Shepard gave Miranda a small shove at her back. “I’m not the best person to say this, but she’s your sister, would it really be so bad for her to know there’s someone out there who loves her?”

“You’re right Shepard,” Miranda said, letting warmth show rather than pride “even if you don’t really take your own advice - you’re right.” 

Shepard watched as Miranda walked up to Oriana, she had asked Thane to stay, just in case anything happened. 

“Thane, tell Miranda we’ll make a stop here, I need a rest. I’m pretty sure we’ll have some down time before the next mission comes up. I’ll take a little tour, and then visit Liara - you know her right?”

“I do Shepard. I’ll keep Miranda safe and let her know. I am glad, I didn’t have a chance to stroll in Illium as a tourist when you found me here.” Thane and Shepard shared a laugh before she went ahead to change and head down to Eternity, Illium’s bar.

* * *

“Another drink, Matriarch!” Shepard said as she downed what seemed to be her sixth drink.

“Can you still take it champ?” Aethyta asked as she steadily poured in another. 

“I don’t know if I can take it… but I’ll make it!” Shepard laughed, swinging the drink dangerously close to spilling. “I’m Commander Shepard! And this is my favorite bar on Illium!” Shepard laughed again, louder, a laugh that had a few people near the bar look at her - still, not like there was anything wrong with a little drunken revelry, it had been a while after all since she let loose, a really long while.

“Babe, if you do me a favor and drink that slowly this time - and not puke all over the bar - I’ll let you stay longer and not shove you out.” the matriarch said, shaking her head.

If this spectre wasn’t Liara’s friend, she would have had the human’s ass hauled out long ago - spectre or not. So far, apart from a few loud reactions, Shepard hadn't asked anyone in to fight her, so it was all good - for now.

“Thanks Aethy...ta, hey tell me more about your krogan heritage. Love the mouth - do you headbutt too?”

That made the matriarch laugh, then the commander was listening in - that’s good. Most times the people she would interact with would have been gone in the head already, or just plain uninterested in anything apart from themselves, which she guessed was normal, that’s the reason she was in a bar and a bartender. Even the usual Matriarchs in asari space did the same thing, get flooded with questions but rarely would maiden’s really listen in, so much for matriarch advises.

“Those asari are stupid. You were right about the mash-- mash relays. Heh. ” the human nodded her head, a little bit too strongly as she groaned, but still she nodded again. “Stupid asari…” the matriarch watched as the human spectre stared down at her blue drink as if it had done something to displease her, the face the redhead made was one of pure irritation. For a second Aethyta was scared that the spectre would just toss the drink out. Which - she did, but at least Shepard tossed the drink in her system - rather than on the bar, or a customer - or her. 

“Get me - I want... “ Shepard blinked one eye, and then another. “Can I have that mystery drink…” her voice was slurry and she seemed totally sloshed, but a paying, happy customer was still a good kind of customer. 

“Knock it all out, babe.” Aethyta laughed as she poured the perfectly dark teal mystery drink. 

Now Shepard stared at the drink even more angrily, as if it were the reapers and had first hand destroyed everything the spectre loved. 

“Maybe you shou-” Aethyta’s words went to deaf ears as Shepard vigorously shook her head and again downed the drink in another go, and just as fast as that, Shepard now had her head drop towards the bar - making contact with the cool smooth metal. 

“Better sweat than puke.” Aethyta murmured as she began to clean out the human’s glasses. She should probably have someone get this drunkard off the bar. 

Just as she was going to call for assistance, Shepard moved - and sat up. The matriarch watched as Shepard adjusted her jaw and blinked again - slowly the human sat up straighter, and then looking at her with sleepy, dead shot eyes - Shepard once again surprised her.

“Another mystery drink- in the big cup!! That’s the best goddamn drink I’ve ever had! I might cry!” the serious face the commander had a moment ago suddenly broke into a smile, giggling at herself. “Make sure it’s the big cuppy! Reaper sized!”

Aethyta groaned. She broke the first human spectre and savior of the Citadel. **_Great._ **

When Shepard promised it would be the last -which despite the great credits thrown her way - the matriarch felt it would be too soon that her daughter would find out and fry her own father’s brain - she served the commander another serving of the dark teal mystery drink.

“You’re the bestest bester best Aethyta -” Shepard watched the dark teal liquid slosh around, her mind getting foggy as she could see little pretty glitter lighting around the glass. “Just like.. Just like the meditation color.” she whispered at the glass.

Clearing her throat, the redhead made a remark. “This drink is for the most beautiful asari i’ve ever met.” Shepard raised her glass, saluting to herself. “The most beautiful and precious and goddamn radiant and ethereal and smart, and I’m so crazy about her and I just -- can’t and damn I’m just speechless but I keep talking and-, and whatever - this drink is for, is just for the fucking magnificently wonderful Justicar. Justicar Samara!” and with that final hurrah, Shepard downed the drink and slammed the glass on the bar. 

Shepard once again looked at the matriarch, her green eyes bright despite the drunkenness “I love her, Matriarch Aethyta. Marry us okaaaay?” and with that - the first human spectre finally, and thankfully, blacked out.

Aethyta closed her eyes.

Shepard didn’t spill anything. But the broken glass shards was something else she’d need to clean.

Time to get the drunkard out. 

If Commander Shepard was shouting that she found romance with a Justicar? Then by all the goddesses that there were, Aethyta could only hope the redhead would get over it soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. Poor Sheppie. Hope she got to buy that Serrice Ice Brandy for Chakwas XD


	9. Worth Of  A Cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two friends concerned about the hero share some wine and (dextro friendly) pizza as they wonder what to do with their friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah I love feelings. 
> 
> I didn't expect that I'd be writing this chapter, Garrus almost turned out to be some random turian assistant - but it was nice I remembered him and he could help out.

_“I know I have sworn an oath to follow you-”_

When Liara had heard from Joker that they were back on Illium, she didn’t try to hide her excitement that she would meet Shepard again. Being an information broker was tough work, and Shepard made it easier to just, let loose for a bit, be back to being 106 years old and revel in the wonders and innocence of the world. There was no need to mask who she was - no need to threaten people by flaying their minds, it was just the two of them, friends… just to learn, relax and be fascinated. She missed their little moments, sharing memories of Earth and Thessia from when they were little. She had especially loved the Earth season of autumn.The little breaks in life like that were the ones worth enjoying - and keeping. 

With that, she took the time to tidy her little office and wait for the commander.

She had now been waiting for no less than three hours. Only Garrus came in to visit her, as now they were chatting amicably about the events of the past years.

“Garrus, what is so important still in Illium that she’s-” Liara was unable to finish as a comm channel went online. One of the lines she had kept close contact to listening was suddenly activated.

> “There’s a drunk here in Eternity -” came the voice of the Matriarch Aethyta.
> 
> “Not the first time Matriarch. What you want us to do? Throw em out the docks or something?” the other voice said - it sounded asari.
> 
> “No, she’s a good one. Don’t scratch her - won’t do good for any of us since she’s the first human spectre after all - her team should be by the terminals, Normandy was the name - have some of her team to get her or something.”

Liara gasped as she closed the comm quickly. Worry ran through her mind on what could have happened to Shepard - quickly she herself headed straight to Eternity with Garrus.

“By the goddess Garrus, she’s that drunk?”

When they reached Eternity, Liara let out a breath, “Good she’s still here -” It wouldn’t be great if Shepard was thrown back in the Normandy, Shepard looked like she needed rest, a lot of it. Maybe it was just her wishful thinking, but no one else from the Normandy knew how Shepard was when she was drunk, and to look at her dear friend and savior slapped on the bar... drooling - was horrifying. 

The maiden turned towards the turian, “Garrus, would you let me take Shepard back with me to my apartment? It’s not far from here, you can come - you know how Shepard is when drunk and ---”

Garrus moved forward towards the redhead, his mandibles fluttering once, twice before looking back towards the maiden. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll let the crew know and help you out.”

Both of them knew Shepard didn’t really do black out drunk. This was bad, and from the tab that showed up beside her, it seemed like she had triple of what she did the first time that they knew of.

Aethyta was glad it was Liara who came in, of course, the matriarch knew it was bound to happen. The spectre would at least be in good hands, and comfortable once she woke up.

Liara and Garrus set the drunk commander on the maiden’s bed. Worry evident on their features even if Shepard looked like she was sleeping normally. 

Garrus was already downstairs, he was waiting for one of his orders which he said was a recipe supposedly for a human hangover. He said it was something he specifically tried to research the first time he saw Shepard shit faced and drunk.

Liara stayed by the bedside, making sure Shepard was comfortable under the covers as she carefully moved a few stray hairs from the redheads face.

With a sigh, the maiden sat on one of the bedside chairs, moving to work there for a moment to keep an eye on her friend. 

After what seemed to be an hour, Shepard moved - Garrus who was now also occupying the desk at the bedroom area stood, looking to assist with whatever he could. 

The duo watched as Shepard opened her eyes, the green eyes blinked, moving directly to look at the maiden.

Liara sat by the bed beside the commander.

“Shepard-” she started saying, stopping as the Commander suddenly frowned, and then blinked.

“I thought I said you were three hundred and fifty, now you just look no older than… no older than twenty…” 

Shepard continued to blink, rubbing her eyes as if she couldn’t see what was in front of her.

“Ugh. Too much blue, too bright. What happened to your band?” Liara felt Shepards hand fumble at her forehead - almost but not quite touching her crests. 

“I like the head band. It was …. Samara, wear the head band again okay? Love you.” the commander let out a series of giggles before letting her hand fall down and she promptly fell back to sleep. 

“Samara? I love you?!” Liara said, her voice rising an octave in each sentence. 

“ ** _The_ ** Justicar Samara?” Liara’s eyes shot open as she looked at the only other living being in the room. Garrus didn’t need to talk, his mandible extended for a long time, as if caught, as he had to physically use his hands to push them back together.

“By the goddess Garrus, is this real?” Liara’s voice was still pitching high, disbelief coating it. She couldn’t believe it - Shepard was in love with an asari - with a justicar no less - with someone at least 600 years older than her.

The groan from the bed made both the asari and turian look back at the commander whose red hair was now being tousled.

“Shhh Samara- I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, don’t shout. Shh come here-” 

Liara watched as the human extended her hand to take hold of one of her pillows and snuggled tightly into hit- even going so far as placing a kiss on the top of the pillow before giggling again and returning to snore.

Liara felt she was going to hyperventilate. Quickly, she grabbed the turians arm and brought him downstairs. 

“Garrus please, for the love of your spirits, please tell me what’s happening.”

They both sat adjacent to each other on the two sofas in the living room. Garrus tried to find a few words on what to say. 

“You got some Turian wine?”

“No I don’t, but if you tell me what’s happening I’ll order one, black label.”

“You really know how to make deals, Liara.” Garrus said with a small laugh, trying to diffuse the situation. It failed.

“The deal is for a limited time Garrus, please. Start talking.”

The turian sighed, when his mandibles didn’t flare, his thumbs would be battling one another. “I’m not sure about this at all, I know the other’s in the ship would be better but here goes.”

Garrus went into detail about everything - even breaching the doctor/ patient confidentiality since technically, Liara wasn’t part of the Normandy 2.0. He told the asari all about Shepard’s after mission check ups on all the team, and spending an extended amount of time with the justicar. That she had Samara on almost every mission as her immediate team apart from the last few ones. 

“So yeah, it looked alright? I mean, when she was passed out for almost forty hours -”

“That’s extremely long, and dangerous.” Liara interjected with a frown, which gave Garrus a chuckle.

“Doctor Chakwas and Mordin came through, imagine that, without Cerberus implants, Mordin said she would have been a goner or something. Crazy. We were all worried, even the Cerberus personnel. Who knew that Miranda Lawson could care that much huh? I doubt even the Illusive Man knew what happened, so worried were we all.”

Garrus then continued on the fact that everything seemed okay, at least until the Korlus mission. He was sure that Samara was going to be with Shepard, as always, as it was in every important mission - but Shepard did the unthinkable, something that as a soldier who was supposed to be leading - she made a haphazard mistake - she had both the dangerous biotics who had bad blood with each other come with her.

“Even in the ride in the shuttle- Samara always sat beside Shepard - or rather, Shepard always sat beside her. Even we knew to give them room. I remember one time the only seat available was the end of each row, and they wouldn’t be facing each other. It was Zaeed- can you believe it? Zaeed Massani, merc extraordinaire and tough guy, stood up, coughed a big - albeit fake - cough outside the shuttle and sat down on one of the end chairs to have both Shepard and Samara sit beside each other. It was… amazing.”

“I wouldn’t have called it amazing.” Liara said, trying to hide a pout as her frown was kept in place.

“I know, but the thing is - maybe we can have some of that wine now?” Garrus interjected “I mean, you know, for fun.” 

Liara shared a smile at that as she shook her head and opened her omnitool “I’ll have some dextro pizza as well - pepperoni?” 

“You know how to make me smile T’Soni.”

The pair continued to chat, the wine and the pizza were great. They decided to let the conversation steer on a more friendly note before going back to the problematic drunk commander at hand.

“So now they haven’t been talking?” The maidan asked, sipping on her wine.

“Nope, I doubt Shepard had even been looking at her.”

“Knowing the Justicar, I doubt she has done anything?”

“No, she hasn’t. I don’t think that would be in her code. I mean… we’ve talked a bit, before all this… misunderstanding? Drama I guess? She was kinda like you when we first met you, she barely knew any humans, much more interacted with them apart from books and maybe the occasional merc or something. So Shepard seemed to be very special to her - I remember when we recruited her back in Nos Astra, she had been what- working alone for almost four hundred years? That’s a long time to be lonely.”

Liara nodded, sympathy moving her to understand that kind of loneliness, even though she did not share that length of time, it was only when she did open up and interact with Shepard did she find there was so much more to enjoy in life, and even though she still relished in learning about the Protheans, which was evident as her apartment were filled with Prothean artifacts, there was something wonderful when sharing the world with a species as individualistic as the humans. 

Or in that matter, as special as Shepard. 

“But Shepard said she loved her?” Liara asked, a sort of melancholy seeping in her voice.

If Garrus noticed anything he didn’t react, at a thought, he opened up his omnitool.

“The matriarch at the bar sent me a recording, she said as her teammates it might help somewhat. Though she also said Shepard would probably prefer if it were only us to see it - probably cause we know her the longest.” 

Garrus tapped on the omnitool and a video of a drunk Shepard making a toast to Samara was played. The video was as clear as Shepard was drunk, very. 

“Goddess, she really said that - and with everyone there. There’s so many asari!” Liara said aghast.

“I don’t think many minded, the bartender said that Shepard had been speaking in volumes for a while, but apart from that- hadn’t been rowdy, so by that time, the others really didn’t pay her any mind.”

“When she was first drunk, the one we saw. It really wasn’t as bad as this.”

“Yeah, of course it wasn’t. Losing Ashley took a toll, but Shepard said she shared a drink for every death that was close to her, so she was used to that kind of thing. I guess it’s technically been 2 and a half years or something since then for us at least, not to be crude but as a soldier, people die under other’s commands everyday. But being in love? WIth someone you know is unattainable? That’s gotta hurt.”

Hours again passed, the wine was stored, and the pizza was gone. Garrus looked at the rain outside, listening to the tapping of the drops and the rumble of the thunder. Liara was once again back upstairs, working on her intel. 

“Do you think we should have Samara come and see Shepard?” The turian asked aloud, enough for the maiden above to hear her.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, we don’t know if she would feel the same way. Justicar’s have a very… untouchable aura, Garrus, I doubt babysitting a drunk would be top priority.” Liara replied. 

“I don’t know. I mean sure you’re the asari and you know about Justicars, but… damn I’m not even sure, but Samara hasn’t exactly been obvious, but I’m sure she’s been. Lonely? I don’t know.” 

“How do you say?” Liara asked, stopping from her work to make sure her full attention was back to their conversation.

Garrus turned from the window to walk back upstairs. “Samara stays by the observatory deck, it’s beside the little men’s room. Now for every possible hour, unless she was speaking to Shepard, without fail, you could hear the little ‘whuo-whuo-whuo-whuo’ sound - it’s like a biotic field….” 

Liara moved to make a small ball of biotic field in front of her, trying to make sense of the sound. 

“Yeah, just like that - but louder, anyway - when I went in one time to get a book about calibrations, Samara was doing that - she said she was meditating, and I swear on my three right talons, she always meditated. I don’t think she sleeps. But after that incident on Korlus, I don’t always hear it anymore.”

“Maybe she got tired?”

“We went on an 15 hour mission once Liara, Samara was awake the whole time, and for thirteen hours of that was probably in the front lines - and I still heard the ‘whuo-whuo’ when I took a leak.”

Despite the severity of the situation, Liara had to chuckle. “Alright Garrus. I believe you. So what do you propose?”

“Honestly? Let’s have the Justicar know, it’s not the best of reasons, but Shepard’s already keeping her in the dark. I don’t think we should too.”

“Is it our place?”

“If Shepard was us? I think she’d do it anyway.”

“Fair enough. Would you want to contact her?” 

Garrus blinked, then slowly backed away as he coughed. “Huh, I think my omni tool is having an update--”

That brought a pillow to hit him in the face.

“Fine. I’ll do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, next chapter will have my beloved. I mean Shepard's love, y'all get it.
> 
> and hooray! Four chapters in one day? Maybe five? Who knows. I love this arc.


	10. The Strain Silence Brought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cavalry arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How heavy, how wonderful and it's just Mass Effect two. We aren't even at their loyalty yet. There's still Lessus! Oh how we'll have a grand ride.

_“I will be prepared for whatever we will encounter”_

Samara found herself driving along the streets of Illium. It had been a while since she had the leisure of a down time. If it weren’t for being under Shepard’s oath, she would still be tracking her fugitive down. The streets of Illium seemed quiet, and she relished the freedom from her worldly concerns. Especially since she had found herself, for once after four hundred years - less troubled by the concerns of her code and into the troubled affairs of interactions. Though she did not blame herself or her companion, it was nonetheless an emotional affair that left her confused and distraught. It has been a long while.

Which shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.

The matron checked her omnitool, it had been around five hours since they disembarked from the Normandy. It was also time to return the rented skycar. 

Just as she turned to drop the skycar back at the lot, her omnitool beeped, and although the caller was familiar, it was not someone she had interacted with before.

“Hello.” Samara said, her eyes on the road, sparing a glance at the asari from the other side of the vid. “To what do I owe this pleasure Dr T’Soni?”

“Good day Justicar. Uhm-” Liara suddenly found herself lost for words. Mentally the maiden berated herself, it wasn’t as if the Justicar was the most daunting person she had talked to… or yes, maybe she was.

The unfortunate sound of silence on the other line found Samara ever the more curious - she slowed down the movement of the skycar, waiting patiently until a turian decided to shove his way into the maiden’s omnitool. His sharp features squishing with the maiden to fit in the video.

“Hey Samara, it’s Garrus.” the turian greeted.

“Garrus.” Samara greeted with a small smile, happy to see her young friend bonding, “I see you are bonding with old friends. Is there something I can help you with?” She wondered if Shepard was with them, as the commander had been ever so fond of relaying her journeys with them - as she was fond as well of being able to share her own stories.

The turian turned his head before making clicking sounds, and another round of silence filled the car. 

“Shepard… Shepard got into some trouble and uhm, I know it’s not my place to say- but is it possible for you to help us?” Garrus knew his mandibles did not stop fluttering the whole time he said that line, but from his look at the vid, it seemed Samara wasn’t driving - that at least salvaged some of this dignity. He wasn’t exactly afraid of the justicar, but he was feeling trepid about the possible disastrous outcomes the justicar’s visit would cause.

“I see.” Samara said, stopping the car at an allowed area as she gathered her thoughts. Initially, the justicar would have said no, but curiosity once again got the better of her, a curiosity she thought she had long tucked away due to the dangers of it. It seemed her friendship with the ever curious nature of one particular human had rubbed off on her. “Is Shepard in danger? She is a very capable warrior, and you are her very capable friends.”

She could see from the corner of her screen that the maiden’s eyes shot wide, and an unspoken look was shared between the two old friends. 

Inwardly, Samara smiled, it has been a while since she had seen young people truly act, young. Although Shepard and Garrus had no less of it’s interactions, it was different when it was shared with others, there was no hiding the fact that they were trying to be careful, as if afraid of being caught with a hand in the reward jar - without doing anything worth a reward.

Garrus cleared his throat. “It’s not something we can do, and we’re really out of options.”

Samara stared outside the window as she held the wheel of the car. A moment stretched in time as she moved to once again look at the duo on the screen.

“Alright. Please let me know where to go.” she conceded.

“Yes of course! Thank you Samara! We’ll send it right now.” Garrus moved away from the video and Samara watched as the turian opened his omnitool, her own beeped with a message, she then noticed that the maiden did not notice that her own omnitool was still online as she moved away from the screen - 

‘Ah, a terminal.’ Samara thought as she noticed a patch of red hair behind the chair the maiden sat on. 

After a few seconds, Liara found the connection still open, although by this time, Samara was already on her way towards the address given.

When the justicar moved to let her presence be known, the door quickly opened, and Garrus was there by the bar, greeting her as she came in.

“We have some wine, and pizza- but yes you’re here for important matters. Please.” he quickly said, as the justicar made to move her head to a polite no.

Garrus brought the justicar upstairs to a sleeping Shepard. When she and the maiden exchanged pleasantries and glances, Samara noticed there was a foreign expression on the maiden, a memory that had long ago been not of her concern anymore. Quickly Liara had made her excuses and went down, leaving the turian and the justicar to converse.

“I see the only danger Shepard is in is the possibility of nightmares, maybe… a hangover?”

Garrus shook his head, unsure on what to do or say now, it was already hard with Liara, and they were technically of age, and friends. But now even though he and Samara were technically amenable to each other, she still intimidated him by raw power and age alone. It now seemed silly to be bringing her, given that they were supposedly adults - though the justicar was obviously a lot more adult than any of them.

“Yeah, Shepard is drunk, and not in a good way. As her friends, we’ve only seen her drunk once, and that was when a team member died. We couldn’t do anything to save her.”

“Is this Ashley Williams?” Samara asked, her eyes moving from Garrus towards the sleeping form of the commander.

Garrus nodded “Yeah that’s right, did she tell you?”

The justicar nodded, remembering many of what she and the human had conversed. 

“Well, the thing is, Shepard got really drunk that time, out of grief, which we could understand. That was the only time she got drunk, at least from what we saw, it wasn’t pretty. This time, let’s just say she drank, three times more than the usual. She even took this… mystery drink from the bar near the commons, Eternity was the name of the bar. I don’t remember what the mystery drink was, but definitely Shepard should be having food poison or something right now.”

Samara nodded her head in acknowledgement. “It will sound rude, pardon me, but what is my role here, Garrus?” Truly, Samara was concerned about the state of the commander, it had seemed she had been pushing herself to the extreme - and although she herself had kept mum about it, given her place in the team, it was obvious the commander had been having rougher nights and have been more head on - even for a vanguard during missions.

On most recaps and briefings, Miranda had been the one to talk - leaving Shepard on the sides. It was unusual, but again, Samara did not truly know her place. Not in connection to a more personal level at least.

Garrus closed his eyes, the next words he spoke were as high pitched but indiscernible like a squeak, if the translators even stopped working it would have been a high pitch screech that would have probably woken up Shepard. 

“She called your name.”

“Pardon?”

“Uhm, Shepard has been calling your name.”

“So I see.” Samara now found herself in dangerous territory. “Just like the first time she had found herself blacking out, then.” Though she knew, deep in her mind that she would assist Shepard, she wondered if her oath would allow her to also assist in these matters. Finding nothing wrong with it - Samara nodded and went to sit on the side that Shepard was facing.

“Shepard.” she called softly.

The turian watched in trepidation as the human moved, as if reacting to the voice. He watched as Shepard practically threw the pillow she was hugging and moved her whole body to go nearer the justicar. 

For the many times that day, Garrus found he had to physically close his mandible as Shepard practically drove and embraced the justicar that was on the bed and from the surprised shriek behind him it seemed that Liara saw it too.

Liara was climbing the stairs, holding a tray with three cups of tea. Upon the obvious breach of personal space Shepard had just done - although asleep - to one of the fiercest forces known to any asari, Liara was unable to hide her surprise. Which in turn led the justicar to stare both at her and Garrus.

Liara never really noticed it until now, but the Justicar had beautiful, all enveloping eyes.

Without waiting for the justicar to react or tell her off, Liara quickly set the tray down and picked up two cups of tea. “Garrus, come on, I want to show you one of my Prothean finds!” Liara said, quickly nudging the turian. Garrus seemed to take the hint and took his cup from her and sipped as he followed the maiden.

“This is the dextro one, right Liara?” he asked her, just as they faded from the justicar’s view.

Samara looked down at the mess of red hair whose body was now pressed on hers. So very many emotions shot into her all at once.

Surprise, shock, alertness, concern, worry, care - and many more raced through her heart and mind at the display, and of course at the reaction of two of Shepard’s friends. Both of whom thankfully left. It had been so long, and the interaction - although again her with an unconscious companion, had left her longing.

She moved to sit upon the bed better, with difficulty even, as she could feel Shepard’s strong arms embrace her tighter, and a frown creased the sleeping forms brow. 

In retaliation for her movement, the commander decided to burrow herself even deeper beside her, as if it were possible, Shepard’s face was already smooshed upon her armor. The justicar could feel the strong boned of the chin and nose trying to get in deeper.

“Samara-” the sleeping human said, snuggling in closer and giggling. 

Giggling? Laughter yes, chuckling yes, giggles? Giggles from the savior of the citadel? No.

Samara took it upon herself to try and wake the commander again, maybe extend a conversation.

“Hello Shepard, how long have you been asleep?”

The sleeping human furrowed her brow, as if trying to think.

“I… I don’t know. Hrrgmmm. Left Miranda after saving her sister. Went to drink in bar. Tee hee. Got very drunk.” Shepard turned again, giving her space to move and be comfortable.

This made Shepard move again, and Samara watched as the green eyes were shown into view. 

The commander moved to sit up, although the blinking and movement of her eyes suggest she was still not fully awake.

Shepard removed her arms from her body and slowly brought a hand up- tentatively, the hand traced the band on her forehead, a clumsy tracing movement. “You put them back on?” the commander cooed, “Good good. I like it. You look beautiful.” Shepard smiled lazily, letting her hand fall ever so slightly near the jusricar’s cheek before falling down - missing the blue skin a mere few inches away. Then, the whole of her quarry went and fell towards her, Samara found herself very much pressed, her full upper body ever so enveloped in Shepard’s own. 

The justicar’s biotic flared - though not in a dangerous way. To an outsider- or if Liara ever decided to check on her very high tech surveillance, it would seem the justicar would even be - blushing.

It had been centuries, literal centuries til she last had someone so close to her person. Shepard’s face was now perfectly snuggled against her neck, the human arms lazily drooping by her stomach and another at her back, as if in a light embrace, and the breath easily ticked the sensitive folds on her neck. 

Samara took a deep breath. Her mind warring with the familiarity her heart had yearned and missed. Although the mind won - it was not at this level that she and Shepard were. And if they were - it was not like this she would want it to go. It seems like the pause in their interaction for the past cycles had greatly affected the commander, as it did her.

For what reason she did not know. She did not think in the first place after all that Shepard was hers, or that she was special. Samara knew that in battle she was a good choice to have, a logical choice and she paid it no mind that she was always in the immediate squad.

The commander filing her as an object of value was probably due to their friendship, which was common and unusual, as Mordin had said that even Garrus or Doctor Chakwas could have been a way to placate the commander during those trying times. 

Samara sighed as she moved again, this time a little bit more forcefully as she tried to help Shepard on a better sleeping position.

“Samara - wait-” Shepard called to her just as the asari got herself untangled from the limbs. 

From under the covers Shepard's legs moved, as if running away, or towards something. “Samara-- I’m sorry.” the human hands flailed, before settling to hug another pillow - the same pose that she was in when Samara first saw her. “I’m sorry. I miss you so much. Talk to me again. Please. I’m sorry for being like this - a...hgggmm a child.”

With those words, Samara’s wall broke, and although she did not show it outwardly, she let herself stay beside the commander and moved to remove the stray hair from the sleeping face, taking the time to comfort the spectre by combing her hair until once again soft snores were heard.

After a while, Samara climbed back down to find a resting Garrus and a working Liara.

She turned towards the maiden. 

“Dr T’Soni, would you know if Garrus has reported this to the Normandy?”

Liara stopped her work and nodded at the justicar.

“He has, Miranda said that you still have three hours left - well, one now probably until you’ll need to leave. I don’t think the XO knows that it’s this… bad. If you would like, I could call a cab and you and Garrus could bring Shepard back to the Normandy somehow?” 

Samara took the time to think of the possible outcomes of this scenario. Finally settling into a plan of action, she turned back to the maiden.

“I am unsure of this boon to ask of you, but would it be alright if I stay with Shepard here? I shall try to wake her up once again and we shall meet you and Garrus back at Illium commons.” The matron moved to look at the sleeping form of the turian on the sofa before turning back to the maiden. 

“As you have noticed, Shepard is attached to our friendship, and I believe Garrus may have told you about the events that had transpired. I would like to ask for your understanding and trust that I shall see Shepard back within the hour. I also have a skycar waiting outside.” 

Liara thought about it, but in the end, she nodded. 

“Garrus and I will head on then, just leave the apartment as is, it will automatically lock once you leave.” Liara then went ahead to wake up the sleeping turian before climbing back up to check on her friend. With sad eyes, Liara turned to touch the humans cheek - letting her fingertips graze the soft skin until the tips of her fingers reached the humans ears.

Quickly, she removed them as she grabbed whatever was left of her work and worked to pull Garrus outside. Garrus in turn moved towards the kitchen and handed over a vial of liquid towards the justicar “It’s a hangover cure for humans, it might help her once she’s awake better.” 

With that, the two young aliens quickly left.

Samara once again climbed the stairs, watching Shepard as she had not yet moved. Samara let the human rest once again for a few minutes before she finally stood up beside the commander and woke her up.

“Shepard, Shepard wake up.” she said, moving to nudge the commander. “We will have to leave Illium soon, the next mission awaits and the team is ready for you.”

At this the commander moved, her eyes slowly and groggily trying to wake up..

It took a few more minutes, but finally Shepard was now awake, and when Shepard groaned from the vestiges of the hangover that was about to start, Samara quickly handed her the hangover vial. 

“Take this, it should help.”

WIthout any regards to safety, Samara watched as Shepard downed the liquid. 

“Hmm. Yuck.” was the only thing the spectre said, and then - a groan, a long and loud groan that at least signaled the commander was now awake.

Shepard opened her eyes and blinked, her eyes adjusted towards the immediate surroundings. “Where am ---” she paused when she saw glowing Protean technologies near the foot of the bed, displayed in a case - “Liara?” she blinked before settling to look at the red and blue blob taking shape beside her.

Squeezing her eyes, she groaned again as she moved away, as if startled that the reason for her consternation was there.

“Ohh my head.” she moved again. She didn’t feel like throwing up, which is great, but she knew she got shit faced earlier, and from the looks of the terminal beside her it hadn’t been that long since. But her head felt so heavy. What is this double cursed drink she had. She had never felt like this before - though then again she had never really tried to drink as much before.

“Excessive use of alcohol does that to one yes.” Samara simply said as she watched the commander try and get out of the covers.

“I hope I paid the tab.” The commander said, trying to get up from the bed.

Samara didn’t know if the commander was being glib, deflecting the situation, or just being the usual Shepard. 

The justicar watched as Shepard stood up, moving to make herself look better as she turned around. “I don’t know why I’m in Liara’s apartment, or why you’re here Samara… maybe you can… tell me later? After -- where’s the bathroom? God my head.”

Samara stood up and decided that it would probably be best if she assisted the human properly. They would be back in the Normandy soon and time should be of the essence. The commander has been valiant in trying to get up after all. 

“Clearly you’ve had a lapse in judgement, Shepard, I hope it was worth it.” she said as she moved to help Shepard lean on her as they walked down the stairs.

Shepard moved to face her, green groggy eyes smiling despite the obvious discomfort the human was in.

“Not a lapse in judgement then, if it led me to be speaking with you again… then everything is worth it. Every single drink.” At that, it would be a lie to say Samara didn’t feel her heart beat its metaphorical wings, as if a flutter of the first tell tale signs of affection a maiden received from it’s very first feelings of growing attachment. The justicar continued to stare at the commander, whose eyes never left hers and whose smile seemed to radiate in the dim room.

“And you are still a flatterer even while your mind rages war with your body.” She gave the commander a smile, she did not know if this put the silence behind them finished, but she was glad for the familiarity that she had come to know. It felt safe, and since the commander seemed to be fully awake, there were no signs or actions of anything else that can be called untoward or to make it confusing to both of them, especially for her.

At least, until the humans warm still drunk hands sought hers, fumbling. It was then Samara realized that maybe it was also just her that thought things too far.

“Sorry,” Shepard said, squeezing the said hand. “I know i’ve been holding your hand for thirty, forty maybe, more hours than I should be - I just need to steady myself more.”

Samara wondered then and there if Garrus had told the Commander of the events that had transpired.

The pair was able to fix themselves and once back in the skycar, Shepard steadily looked out into the city expanse, opening the window and letting the air work through her face, Samara watched as the human’s hair moved through the wind. It was beautiful.

Both beings in the car wondered how they would breach the subject of their rekindled friendship. Samara didn’t know if Shepard even remembered anything that she had done while asleep - Shepard didn’t know the events that transpired. They were both apprehensive with the topic, given that they had just found each other again and have been chatting amicably, being close again. The questions in their mind would needed to be squelched for a longer while

“Samara?” Shepard asked. “Can we drop by Eternity?”

“I hope you do not plan on drinking again.” the matron couldn’t help but keep the chastise in her voice.

Shepard found herself wincing, moreso because she once again remembered the pain in her head. 

“No, maybe not going to drink this much in a long while. Uh, I remember the bar had this asari drink, Serrice Ice Brandy?” 

“Ah, a delectable but expensive brand, an asari speciality. I did not think you would be interested in such possessions.” 

“Is that because I’m a soldier? It’s not my fault, Garrus keeps bringing in this cheap wine so that’s what you always see me drinking. But anyway, it’s for Doctor Chakwas, she mentioned it when we first saw each other on the ship that she had specifically kept a bottle of it back in the first Normandy, but of course after we got hit - well, it’s a goner.” 

Samara nodded, making a turn towards the bar area rather than settling at the terminal. Shepard seemed to maybe, just be like that then, sweet? Kind? Caring? All inclusive to and for many? She wouldn’t know that many people who would be willing to gift another with a very expensive top of the line brandy after all. 

Shepard moved to get out of the skycar, though the wobbling in her legs made Samara decide to go with her. 

Once back in the bar, Shepard had to internally wince at the seat her bum had been plastered on, and when she saw the Matriarch cleaning the tops of the bars again, Shepard couldn’t hide a grim smile.

“Hey it’s my favorite Matriarch- on my favorite bar in Illium.” she grinned.

“Oh hey babe, you’re back early for your favorite dri---” Aethyta looked up and found her brow unable to stop shooting themselves up in surprise. 

Not a lot surprised this half krogan matriarch, one was when there was an elcor and a turian who found themselves in a fight - where the elcor won no less.

Two, was when a hanar found itself drunk and wrapped itself with it’s volus friend and decided to slightly roll around the deck before getting shoved off the bar.

Many when there would be fights, but those would be centuries old in the making, kids were tamer nowadays.

But her most recent one was - when Commander Shepard, unabashedly poured out her heart regarding a certain asari Justicar.

The same asari Justicar that was now literally only a meter behind the human and watching in quiet observation of the things around her.

Aethyta had seen a lot in her time as a matriarch, she was centuries old, but this, this just took the cake. She was part krogan and knew how to fight still, maybe Shepard was recruiting? She would love to be part of the spectres team just to see this unfold.

The fact that a revered justicar was now beside the human - was there something there? It didn’t look like there was - but still, there they were - and Aethyta would be blind as a butt in the air drunk volus if she didn’t sense that there was something between them - though it was obvious the justicar was just there as a companion to her wayward drunken commander.

“No drinks today, I’m afraid I’m not allowed to be drunk for the next few… many many times.” her head gave a sharp pain as she groaned again.

Aethyta watched as the justicar moved nearer towards the human, patting the human on the back before seemingly caressing the shoulder, steadying her.

“I’ve got something here babe, free of charge, you made me loads richer yesterday after all.” Aethyta gave the commander a little pill. “Drink this before you sleep and when you wake up again you’ll feel much better.”

Shepard nodded as she took the pill with thanks. 

“So - what brings you here? Apart from showing me you’re alive.” 

“Yeah, oh right, I remember you’ve got that Serrice Ice Brandy in your stocks, can you grab me three? Two of the big ones and one of the little ones.”

Both asari’s heads moved in surprise. Samara because three seemed genuinely too kind for a friendship, and Aethyta because if Shepard was gifting a designer drink to someone - maybe a justicar, then that was definitely something for the books. 

“Alright babe, lemme just get it for you, you’re not drunk right? Don’t want you to lose all your credits.”

The human chuckled, holding her head to make sure it didn’t hurt as much when she laughed.

“I’m alright - I’ve got to ask though -” Shepard said as she moved to look at the bar and saw someone drinking a mystery drink. “Is there… did I say anything I should be concerned about?” Shepard remembered the talks she and the matriarch had, about krogans, bar brawls Aethyta remembered, the smaller scale bar brawls Shepard knew on earth, mass relays, but then after it went fuzzy, but she knew there were some parts missing. 

Aethyta gave a raspy laugh as she brought out the bottles and placed them in their packaging. “Whatever it is you did or didn’t say Shepard, my lips are sealed. Come back and get drunk again here and we can pick up where we left off.” Aethyta handed over the package to Shepard as she gave the human a wink. “You’re my favorite customer, great listener, juicy stories- and you didn’t even puke on the bar. Perfect.”

As the justicar and human left, she watched as the justicar moved to carry the package, probably for the best so the drunkard human wouldn’t accidentally break it.

“To be a fly on that wall. That’s gonna be better than any soap opera the asari comes up with.” With that Aethyta turned back to tending. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: It was supposed to be Liara with Shepard in the bar! It's amazing how things change when writing.  
> \-----
> 
> Sometimes I look at this story specifically and say to myself, "Is this a story I would enjoy reading if I was the reader?" 
> 
> Because unlike my other two stories, again - Samara was the reason I wanted to do a fanfic, and because there's not a lot of (but there are really good ones out there!) fanfic of Samara/FemShep or just Shepard, I'm really excited for this story to flourish.


	11. A Reprieve of Normalcy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is a great day.
> 
> AKA Aethyta's hangover pill is liquid (solid) luck in itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote this, I didn't expect that Miranda would be kinda like a best friend, or Jack would get the *grunt* of the problems - or that Ashley wouldn't be the Virmire survivor. But all in all, I'm loving how it goes and I hope you all like the story as well. Or at least parts of it XD

_“It has been my pleasure, Commander.”_

As Shepard and Samara climbed back to the Normandy, Shepard turned to the other blue alien that was now beside her. “Liara, thanks. I don’t know how but thanks.”

She gave the maiden a big grand hug and Samara watched as the maiden seemingly melted at the touch the spectre gave her. 

For a moment, the two young friends stayed that way before Shepard turned to look at Garrus - “come here you - I’m so happy you’re both my friends, even if we’ve just known each other for a year or something.”

Garrus’ laughter rumbled through his sub vocals as he joined the little friendship embrace. “We’ve been through hell and back once Shepard, I’m sure that counts as a few years given the stress we’ve been through.”

Slowly, the trio disentangled as they said their farewells. Shepard moved to take a bottle out of the package from Eternity and handed the tall box to the maiden.

“A token of thanks, I know you can probably afford this and all - but maybe when things get better and I visit again- I can come and just drink with you? Course you can come too, Garrus - maybe we can even have the others with us.” Shepard beamed as Liara once again encased her in a quick hug. 

When Shepard stepped back and looked at the companion who had escorted her, the matron was nowhere to be seen. 

Samara had entered the Normandy shortly after the display, what she was witnessing was one that was with deep rooted friendship of the young at mind and heart. It would be rude to have her stare, and so she went onward, back into her private space. 

As she shifted into a position for meditation, Samara found it easier to relax. Maybe, maybe later - things would truly go back to the way they were.

Shepard quickly got in the Normandy, once again coming face to face with none other but it’s XO. Garrus went back towards the main battery, but not before giving her a squeeze on the shoulder. Guess that’s how Miranda got the news. The redhead quickly raised her hands in defense. 

“I know, I know, we can talk Miranda, I’ll spill. But maybe I can do it back in my room? I still want to sleep.”

The two leaders of the team went upstairs, with Miranda patiently waiting for Shepard to clean up. She herself waited near the commanders terminal - until a curious beep of the terminal made her look. Someone sent an non-secure message. Without really thinking about her actions, Miranda watched as the message opened in the lower right hand corner of the screen.

“Do not forget the hang over pill the Matriarch of Eternity gave.” - Samara

Miranda smiled as she watched the little notification disappear. It seems like everything should go back to normal soon.

When Shepard came back out - smelling better and feeling lighter she walked back to her bed. She began taking out a jug of water and poised herself to drink, she blinked her weary eyes at the jug before squinting at the clothes she wore before. “Miranda?” she asked “Can you maybe reach in my pocket? There should be a pill there - something for the headache.”

Miranda understood perfectly and did so, giving the commander the pill as she sat at the chair by the bed. 

“So where do you want me to start?” Shepard asked.

Miranda moved to speak but decided against it. “You know Shepard, I’ll let you rest. There’s a lot of good news coming up soon, but you’ll need to be in actual commanding order for it. I’m also sorry for being cross with you before, but at least now we know you can be just as stubborn as me.” the prodigy smirked, standing up to head out.

Shepard stared at the retreating back in confusion before shrugging to herself and heading off to a better land of sleep.

When her alarm sounded, Shepard woke up feeling like a million credits. Her headache wasn’t just gone, her mind felt clear - she could feel her limbs and the tips of her fingers perfectly, and the satisfying crunch of her bones as she stretched was the most beautiful sound she heard of that morning.

It felt like it was going to be a great day.

And so far it was really turning out to be.

Shepard got a nice big hug from Chakwas - well Karin now, who was very much bashful about the Serrice Ice Brandy, it was unfortunate Shepard had to decline a drink, but after telling the doctor about her time in Eternity, it took all of her willpower not to groan as the smiling doctor suddenly turned serious as she went in and took all her vitals. 

The next great thing was finding out that Mordin had finally made all the variables for the Seeker swarm viable. She watched as the little insect moved - and when given the samples from the different experimented cells, and from the unmodified control cell - the insect only headed straight to the unmodified one. Of course they didn’t know what the possibility of more swarms could mean, but this was already quite a leap. They would be ready whenever The Illusive Man would give them a report.

Kelly was happy that she had also interacted with the rest of crew fairly well, even going as to be chummy with the others. Miracles happen and for today, Joker and EDI didn’t even snipe at one another and she finally won against Kasumi in a simple 'hide and seek'.

She had learned and interacted more with Thane, finding insight about his family - most likely due to seeing Miranda with Oriana. Had a great card session with the engineering team and Jack and Zaeed- and practically lost a dare from Jack to finally open the Krogan in the tank. 

Shepard watched as EDI turned the access controls online.

“The controls are online, the switch, and consequences are yours.”

The little button to open the tank glowed and Shepard took the chance to look at the window - watching Jack and Zaeed cheer her on from on top of the cerberus shuttle, watching her from the lower bay. 

As the water in the tank lessened and the glass doors opened, Shepard watched the krogan fall on its knees, and with the agility of one that could be called a perfect krogan, she had found herself pinned against the wall. 

A roar shook the walls of the cargo bay, the size of the krogan shielded the two watchers from her view. With a sniff that was similar to the krogan from Korlus, he spoke.

Grunt made a name for himself, and asked what it was that should make a perfect krogan like him follow the steps of a human like her. Shepard decided to make do with pure renegade, she had tried to be a nice one to Miranda before, when she obviously showed off her genetic perfection. The nice way didn’t work. The same wouldn’t work for a krogan who was pure brute, muscle, raw strength - as it was called, and who believed he was of a perfect creation. 

“I took you from where you were and I released you. I don’t know if you were aware of what was happening when you were down with Okeer - but it was damn difficult. You don’t go charging in between two mad men and waves of known mercs and almost mindless krogans and come out of it unscathed. You want a purpose? You follow my command.” Shepard stared the krogan down as good as she could. The krogan released a laugh as he noticed that not only was Shepard tough, but she was practical, and the gun to his side was no mere feat of luck.

When Shepard was finally free from Grunt’s grasp, she could see the slightly worried faces of her teammates- it quickly turned one into hurrahs as she watched the convict give a smirk, before getting slapped by the merc. Seemed Jack realized afterwards the commander had basically trumped the dare.

From the side of the engineering windows, Samara watched carefully the events that unfolded. She was talking to the engineering pair, Gabby and Ken, who called her up once they were back from their break. She had more plans to expand the fuel reservoir of the ship that could aid them in the longer travels, and she had been coming to and fro from the engineering bay to share her knowledge. It was such that as she left the engineering bay doors did she see an uncharacteristic sight of Jack and Zaeed staring intently at the cargo hold where the tank bred krogan would have been kept. 

Upon moving to see where exactly they were looking, Samara’s brow shot up in surprise, the krogan was not there anymore. 

Beside her was the AI terminal, and so even though she did not usually ask for assistance from the AI apart from the usual ship queries, she went ahead and asked.

“EDI, is the commander in the cargo hold?” 

EDI’s hologram popped up and if a hologram could nod, then it actually did. “Yes Justicar, she has decided to embrace the consequences of opening the alien tank. From the life signs inside the hold, there are still two breathing lifeforms. Slightly elevated blood pressure from both parties is noticeable.”

“I see. Thank you.”

EDI disappeared, and although Samara did feel worry, the look from the other two from below seemed none worse for wear- if Shepard was unable to pacify the krogan, EDI and the other two would have no doubt found a way to save the commander.

Samara kept her view on the glass, watching the Krogan move from inside - and then she saw both the celebratory look of the onlookers as Shepard emerged. She watched as the krogan laughed.

It seemed their esteemed commander had once again found an ally.

Looking back at the onlookers, who now jumped down from where they were, Samara decided against heading straight to the elevator to go back to the observatory. Instead, she decided to wait for the commander to emerge. 

It just so happened that as she was waiting, both elevator doors and cargo doors opened at the same time. The surprise in the three faces that met hers caused her to find the moment comedic. With a curt nod she greeted the three humans, facing Shepard to speak “I have just finished with the upgrades for the fuel capacity Shepard, I hope the Normandy finds it useful.” With that she bid her goodbye to the three and entered the elevator- hearing the whoop that Jack gave and the slap of a strong arm on another - and Shepard’s very loud groan as the receiver of the heavy greeting.

The closing of the elevators did not come, as Shepard stalled the door with her hand - and opposite shoulder, her body being framed by the elevator and the lights from the cargo did the commander credit, as well as the disheveled appearance of the redheads hair as it lay haphazard on her brow. “Your collar is undone and creased.” Samara simply said, letting a smile grace her features as she watched the human spectre try to fix it with the other free hand.

Shepard laughed. “Krogans. Temperamental little babies.” 

A moment passed, Samara shook her head as she took the commander's hand and pushed it away from the door. “Celebrate your victory, Shepard. I shall be where I always am, if you will need me.”

As Shepard stepped back, two sets of eyes, one green and one gray stared at each other until the doors came to a tight close.

Samara went back into her area, standing tall as she watched the void that crossed the ever so growing space. No matter how much they had traveled, hundreds upon thousands of stars littered the galaxy. All being contained and guided by the black abyss that they shared. Galaxies upon galaxies would slowly converge, creating new life and destroying the old. It was curious as to why the fated reapers she had heard of exist. Given that without organic or synthetic life, the galaxy would live and break and mend as it would.

Jack slapped Shepard hard and squeezed the commanders face in her strong hands. “You fucking idiot, you did it!” she said, clapping her hands again at Shepards shoulder, unwilling to let go. “That was amazing.”

“Ha, little girl here thought you’d be a goner Shepard, she don’t want to admit it, but I ain’t afraid to say I’d miss you if that would happen.” Zaeed called out.

Jack shoved the merc none too softly, good thing the merc was used to the brashness. “You’re a sissy Zaeed-”

“Ha, said the pot to the kettle there eh.”

The trio found themselves inside the engineering bay, surprising two more humans with the great feat the Great Commander Shepard had again accomplished.

“Whaaat- how? You couldn’t even wait for us -” Ken said his voice rising at the injustice that he was unable to see the action. 

“Hush Kenneth we were busy. I’m sure you had more than enough of your action with the Justicar’s presence.” Gabby said, chiding her partner.

“Ay yeh- you’re definitely right there Gabby, that Justicar has quite the obvious presence, she comes in the door it’s already obvious who it is - get’s my blood -” That gave Kenneth an elbow to the chest from the other cerberus personnel. 

Jack laughed at the display. “You let Samara hear that, make sure I’m watching. I’d love to see her tear your insides.” 

Kenneth laughed, although a little bit more nervously. “I guess I can stay away. I’m good looking at other uh, obvious presences.” 

“As long as you don’t mean me, I can also tear your insides you know.” Jack replied with a smirk, obviously loving how they could bully the engineering personnel.

Shepard shook her head. “Alright, I’ve got that done, you gals better have something better for me to get dared on, all your ideas are as easy as coloring flowers.”

That got a reaction from Zaeed. “Don’t kid about coloring Shepard, making those colors stay in the lines is pretty damn hard.”

Again the laughter continued as the group set their schedule for another match on another day.

Shepard went ahead and took a bath, taking care of making herself look presentable. Today was truly turning into a great day, and as the sound chimed for the next shift of employees to wake and rest, Shepard picked up the smaller bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy and crackers and dip with her as she headed straight towards her eagerly awaited moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I have a chapter out, can't believe it took me a whole day to do this, things have been busy. I thought I'd be posting this shortly after the last one but hey - at least.
> 
> It's not much, but that's 'normalcy'. Time to get to the meat of things in the next chapter. Yay!
> 
> AND FINALLY. The Seeker Swarm thing is done. Horizon mission will follow soon~~


	12. Only The Stars Could See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A picnic is a beautiful thing for friends to have.

_“I’ve spent much of the last four hundred years on my own.”_

“Hey Samara.” Shepard called as the door behind her closed. It seemed like it had been ages since she actually said those words. It felt comforting to say.

To the asari, it was surely very comforting to hear. 

Shepard moved to sit beside the justicar, watching as her biotics stopped glowing and she turned to her, surprise in her eyes as she stared at the human.

“Are these your clothes for rest?” Samara asked, curious. Shepard was wearing what seemed to be an overly large apparel, encompassing her arms fully and making her look twice as large. Her legs were embraced by smooth, thin textured fabric that seemed soft to touch. Samara had seen Shepard in many scenarios, though never as comfortable looking at this.

‘Yeah they are. Right now we’re at a limbo, and since Mordin is just doing final tweaks on the collector swarm data, and we’re just waiting for The Illusive Man’s go signal, I finally have time to actually rest and slip on these bad boys.” Shepard moved to extend her legs, unashamed at the suddenly overly friendly display she was projecting. “I hope it’s alright though? I mean… I realize we do have just seen each other in our armor most of the time.” 

“I also have what you call, informal wear, Shepard.” The justicar quickly added as she chuckled “ Although I have only been unsure if I should wear them while we conversed, I did not want to make you feel uncomfortable.” the asari replied, also letting her legs move to be tucked under her as she sat sideways.

“I think you’ve seen the worst of me, many times over Samara, I should be the one apologizing for possibly being the source of discomfort.” Shepard found herself unsure where she would stand, it seemed that the great day was not turning as well as she would hope.

Samara shook her head, smiling affectionately at the human spectre. “No, there is no need to be - we should refrain from apologizing Shepard, it does not do us credit at this time. If you so wish, I shall change into what is comfortable for me, I trust that I will not have to hurry back into armor?”

“Ha, don’t worry, even if we did, I’ll be getting the shorter end of the stick, I’m a far ways off after all. But don’t worry. I bet my life on it we won’t be disturbed.”

“Do not joke about these things.”

“You’re right - I’m sor- yeah. You’re right.”

Shepard set down the small bottle of brandy, crackers and dip in what could be called a picnic. They already had the view and the stars after all.

Samara left to get to her locker, one that was given to her by the crew members. She went straight into the ladies room, changing - and even though it was not the first time she had changed, she still felt a smidgen of awkwardness as it was the first time she would do it in the women’s changing area. Not that it would matter, no one else would question her anyways if they saw her.

When the door to the observatory opened, she was surprised at quite the display. Shepard was there lying on her side and playing with her hair. Under her was what seemed to be a red and white checkered flannel, as big as the standard duvet. In the middle was the small Serrice Ice Brandy and what seemed to be a plate of appetizers. 

Samara thought of the words they had spoken many ages past, about romantic relationships, and although Shepard had seemed to cling to her and give her importance- it was another concern where Shepard’s action stood. There were many nuances between what Asari and Humans would have, and even though Shepard had not been straightforward as what she had seen humans could be when they were in an entangled relationship, a part of her knew she should remind the commander of her choices.

“Shepard I-” Samara started as a human threw her head back to look at her, a childish display of lightheartedness as it would seem Shepard was looking at her from upside down. 

In Shepard’s defense she wasn’t stupid, she was only being marginally such in terms of feelings. She already knew she had feelings for the justicar, and as much as she could, she made sure her actions were still bordering on friendly, and had always tried to be open regarding the nature of their relationship. While she knew the justicar may never change her views, Shepard truly enjoyed the time they spent together and even though it may seem extreme to others - she deemed it not so. After all, Chakwas did get a 10k credit brandy just like that. It had been so long since she had found herself being engaged in a world that didn’t involve guns and fights and well, maybe it did - but the fact that they were sharing stories more than that of the wars and battles of the world did wonders on their relationship. 

What Shepard will admit to, was that she was very stupid at other things. She was very stupid at swallowing, and as she bit the cracker and looked backwards - she couldn’t help but find herself choking, very, very ugly wise when the Justicar came in clad in what the human world could call - bathrobe.

The Justicar was enveloped by a thin sheet of robe, clasped in two layers of belts from below the bust and the waist, and a thin yet durable looking cloth that wrapped around a few timed by the hips. And although she still wore her gorget and headbands, the robe was very much opaque, but the way it clung to the justicar and looked soft in all the right places made the very weak human come close to another near death situation.

Samara quickly found herself behind the commander, lifting the head up as she poured the only available liquid into a glass and had her drink. Quickly she spoke “Let me get some water -” to which the commander spluttered and coughed a few times before shaking her head. 

“No - no,” she said between wracking coughs. “I’ll go get it - no problem.” With tears in her eyes from the pain, Shepard quickly stood up and went to the mess hall to get another set of glasses and a bottle of water. It was a good thing too, as Shepard rested her hip by the table and took two glassfuls of nature’s gift, she definitely needed that, and she also needed to still the beating of her heart.

When the commander reached back in the observatory, drinks in hand. She saw Samara return to her relaxed pose, legs tucked under her as her body was finding support in her arms and on the seat of the sofa. The asari was playing her fingers on the top edges of the glass, and as the justicar looked at her with worried eyes. Shepard knew she was going to get in trouble for apologizing again.

“I should apologize really, but I’m good now.” the redhead smiled, her green eyes that once had tears now shining again with mirth. “That wasn’t the best way to start this picnic.”

“Picnic?” Samara asked, watching the commander pour two glasses of brandy and another two cups of water to full. 

“It’s what human friends or something - do. The sheet, the snacks, the view - though normally it would be sunny and maybe rather than metal flooring we should be on grassy plains, but we’ve got most of them down pat so that’s fine.”

Friends. So to humans this is what friends still do. 

“Have you had many picnics Shepard?” the justicar asked, curious to learn more and knowing that the continuous conversation would once again put them in familiar territory. 

“Yes, and no. Back then before I was in the Alliance yes, with my family. When you’re in the military gatherings become rights of passages and picnics become drinking sessions, dancing becomes bar brawls and the simple fights become one that would normally end up both sides with bruises. As you might notice, the military tend to like their muscles.” she laughed, raising a cracker to her as she flexed her own arm - though obviously the muscles beneath were covered by the large apparel. 

They both settled into wonderous conversation talking now about the simple things like weather and season, how in Thessia there was no such thing as autumn, but there were nights when the bountiful eezo in the air would be noticeable, covering the sky in sparkles and wonder. Although the visitors in Thessia were not allowed to be outside during those times, as eezo would normally spike higher and may be dangerous to certain species upon close contact.

When the last drop of brandy found its way into the asari’s tongue, she wondered if it was time to ask a question. “Shepard,” she asked tentatively. “When you found out about the time you were unconscious -”

Shepard shook her head, holding up a hand lightly as if to stop her. “I.. I learned it from Miranda - we fought about it - and… again I’m sorry. I’ll ask again to fall into the hubris of humans and be selfish. But is it alright we discuss it in a different time? There’s a lot of other things I've heard, and from seeing as you were in Liara’s apartment with me, where even I don’t know what happened exactly - you know things too. But maybe, maybe just for now we can just pretend everything is normal?”

Samara nodded her head, a smile once again gracing her lips in understanding. “There is no need to pretend Shepard, everything is as normal as it can be.” That tugged at her own heart, it seemed even she did not believe it so.

The pair continued on with the moment, enveloped in their feelings with each other- inching closer to what can be called more than what they were unwilling to say, and as they both finished their meal and found themselves on the observatory sofa, Samara sitting on the armrest side and Shepard with her head on the asari’s lap - they continued on their numerous stories, leaving them pointing at the galaxy, making up silly constellations and stories about each of them, laughing and sharing sweet moments that only their eyes could convey.

And as time passed and the laughter from the human turned to soft snores, Samara let her hands absentmindedly roam on the tresses of the beautiful human under her. 

She would keep this moment in her heart, let it drive her to continue forward once everything needed to be done, but as she continuously stared into the void, watching planets and stars pass by her. She knew she was going to have to put a stop to it soon. 

Her code was her reason for living, a life she had lost was the reason she took the oath. Her battle with herself was not done, as was her duty to her people and to her beloved long past. It might have been more than four hundred years, but she had never forgotten what she was supposed to do, and in those four hundred years, no band of mercs, or evil corporations, or even throngs of brainwashed civilians could stop her. But here, one human, one very special human had made her way inside the defenses she had brought up for so long. She never thought she would feel this away, or that she deserved the feelings that were bestowed on her, but her job was not done, her oath was in place.

One way or another, one day very soon - she would have to remove herself from the garden that she had unwittingly nurtured. The vines that grew and flourished under their budding friendship, had to be cut short - and it would destroy her that she would have to once again, leave what she had made and cultivated and love to die- just like her other daughters that she had to relinquish - for the guilt she carried for her own faults and hubris of going against the age old customs have come back to her. 

She would never trade the memory of her and her bondmate, the little memories that she shared of her children, but she knew - that if another chance was set upon her to choose, she would choose differently. Four hundred years of knowledge and burden that she had unleashed a curse upon the land made her shame stronger than anything else and by goddesses that would listen, she would give up anything, happiness, and who she was - just to right the wrong that burned in her soul...

As deep as her pain tore through her, a tear she didn’t notice had started forming in her eyes, and she was late in realizing that as a drop fell on the cheek of the human who made a supernova sized dent in her four hundred years of solitude. 

Shepard had fallen asleep, though she found herself waking up as the fingers in her hair seemed to start to tighten, although it did not hurt. Only when she felt what seemed like rain touch her skin, did she realize what she was doing did not just undo her alone. If she wanted it - this- , she would have to say it, and she would have to face the fact that after that - whether the justicar would allow her advances or not, she wouldn’t have a choice after.

The time to play has long passed, she would face the music soon, but for now, Shepard moved her hand to softly hold the blue hand that was not embedded in her hair.

In that exact moment, the immediate expanse of the window was flooded with streaking lights, meteors flew quickly, and although far away, the light they left littered dashes of beauty in the galactic sky.

Meteors. Wishing stars. 

And as Shepard held the hand tighter, and Samara let the tears flow, Shepard could whisper nothing else but-

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah ha. I have fully fooled myself that I thought I was going to write something fluffy.
> 
> Jokes on me.
> 
> /cries.
> 
> IVE ONLY POSTED THIS BUT I JUST WANTED TO EDIT BECAUSE I MADE MYSELF SO SAD.  
> I'm going to have dinner and maybe cry. 
> 
> \--- and work on the next chapter. Jeez it's not even the loyalty yet idk what to do anymore.
> 
> (on a respectable author note - don't worry I do know what do - write. I'm just really sad rn T_T)


	13. Showing Weakness Makes It Strength - Showing Strength Hides The Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon.
> 
> Shepard breaks down.
> 
> Walls are brought up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title makes my head hurt. XD

_“If I must kill a man because he has done wrong, do I really wish to know he is a devoted father?.”_

Shepard took a breath as her hand was poised over the button that would open the shuttle bay doors. She looked back at her team, all garbed in their armor- the translucent sheen of their new armor upgrades glinting with the lights from the monitors. 

“Ready or not, here we go!” 

As the door opened, their ears were quickly filled by the tens of thousands of fluttering wings which thank all their respective gods, did not come near their personal space. So far, so good though - just as luck would have it, they were alive - and they were still moving.

“Mordin, you sure this armor upgrade would hold?” Shepard said as she signaled her team - now composed of four other members - to wander through the now desolate fields of Horizon.

“In theory, in small numbers it should make us undetectable to swarms. As long as distance is kept. Armor will hold.” the salarian said moving closer towards Shepard.

“In theory?” Shepard said, her eyebrow rising even though it was shielded under the helmet.

“Yes, I look forward to seeing us survive.” Mordin said a slight hint of humor in his eyes despite the deadpan delivery.

Shepard smiled grimly despite herself. “That’s why I brought you here - ha.” 

Although the spectre was technically teasing Mordin, in truth she was very happy that the swarm issue was done, for a little soon after that great day she had, The Illusive Man had finally given them information on where to go next. Because of it, Mordin could now technically be back in fighting shape, and she could have him join her immediate squad again.

“Alright, Grunt, you and I go first - Samara behind us. Mordin and Zaeed, at the back.” She moved her hands as the team got into position. Grunt, especially happy that his first mission was one of the major ones. If a krogan could skip happily, then that’s what he did just as he stepped out of the shuttle.

Behind them stood Garrus and Kasumi, “You both know what to do, stealth and protect, keep in touch with radio comms, let us know as soon as possible if there’s anything wrong.”

The team affirmed with different nods and acknowledgement and when they left the clearing- it was obvious that the fight was going to get messy.

They had met pockets of collectors here and there, with empty pods of what seemed like flesh bundled up and neatly placed in rows. It was a sickening thing to behold.

**“ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL”**

“This guy likes his voice huh? Letting us know and getting off on this control thing.” Grunt said as he tackled another collector under him, headbutting it to submission as he cocked his gun and loaded it directly in between all the eyes. 

Garrus who had much of a vantage point had already easily picked out which of the collectors was going to be the hardest target, and it was easy enough to snipe, tag and let the team know who they should be wary of. 

The team had synergy, somehow even better than before. Shepard had come to terms that some team members were more valuable to her by heart, but all of them were equally valuable in the field, where they all lived for each other to fight another day. 

In this case, she and Samara- despite the unspoken words between them of what happened the night before - had been a wonderful combo team with their biotics, where Samara made things implode and warp with her biotics and reave - Shepard had made her enemies explode with her force.

The time to worry about their relationship was past- for now they would fight as their lives depended on it, and no amount of shame or agitation would cloud them that their feelings for one another was not true - in the sense where they both would very much prefer to remain alive.

They had each other’s back, literally even, as throngs more of the collectors seem to come their way, easily felled by the fact that they also had a good team.

When they had finally reached the main buildings of the colony, Shepard had a sinking feeling in her stomach, the day to day life - would have flashed in her eyes, people drinking, have a meal, watching a vid - it all looked so surreal, as if everything was laden, except there were no people- that everyone just got up and leave - that was at least until Kasumi came in through her comm.

“Shepard, I’m in the stairway near shelter 7 and 9, come quick.” - the comm died and Shepard had quickly ushered her team to get into position, this time, Samara and Mordin were at the front, her near behind them, while Grunt and Zaeed- who are usually the louder ones, stayed at the back. Whatever that could surprise her for a flank attack would probably just softly poke at the two behind her.

When they reached the corridor, Kasumi flitted back into view, she was on the other side of the building - just far enough for the borders Mordin had given. Quickly she gave a nod that she would continue to press on - and as she shimmered out with her cloak, Shepard stopped in her tracks. Bile rising up her throat.

Mordin was the first to break the silence, Shepard watched as the salarian quickly lower his gun and went straight to the petrified statues of the humans, unmoving, staring, terrified, if their open mouths were screaming - it felt like Shepard could hear it all. Their eyes opened in fear, terror almost making the orbs pop out of their sockets if not for the fact they were statues.

“Damn” Zaaed said, complementing nicely to how professional Mordin sounded, though in this case, Zaeed’s words were probably as professional as it could be given he was a merc.

“Humans are alive. In statis. For how long? Need additional studies.” 

“Let’s go, we can’t do anything for them right now.” Shepard turned to her team to move on, leaving one last look at the frozen bodies before falling back into position. Even though she knew the faces would never be looking back at her, it seemed like their eyes were digging at the back of her skull. Shepard clenched her gun tighter, she hated this - all of this.

They were supposed to reach Horizon and be able to save them - somehow - but here they were, husks and collectors and petrified humans, and everything was just going downright to hell.

As they moved through the compound, everything else continued to seem eerily quiet. There were no enemies, and from Kasumi and Garrus’ responses, it seemed there was nothing else that was amiss-- apart from the gigantic collector ship that was a few ways from them and the littered half empty pods that were strewn about.

The squad kept going, coming to a stop at a bunker that contained - fortunately - a completely moving human. What was unfortunate was that said human was not as friendly or as helpful as they wanted, but they were given more information that Shepard was ready for.

Inside the little hideaway, the group went and continued on for the next phase of their plan. “How do we deal with this thing? Why is it still there? Why are we still here?” roared Grunt, obviously frustrated that the enemy he wanted to hit was far away. 

“Alliance gift. Guns may help. GARDIAN. Strong enough to fell a ship. Many may be enough to remove the collector base. Not destroy, no too weak. Higher power needed. But can cause damage. Enough for ship to fall back.” Mordin suggested, tapping his fingers under his chin. 

Shepard let Mordin talk with EDI, the mechanic, and Garrus, making sure their plan of opening guns would work. She pulled away from the group and rested her head against the cool interior of the wall. Samara closely behind her, or maybe she was the one to have automatically sought the presence of the justicar- as it seemed the asari had not moved from her place of observation.

Though the justicar did not speak, Shepard felt comforted by the presence she gave. There were no words needed to be spoken, not to each other, and not while in the presence of danger. But the proximity, the confort was enough, and Shepard, knowing once again she was indulging in her selfishness moved to speak, mere whispers upon the wall.

“Kaidan is here. But how? Out of all the colonies that the guns could be put on, out of all the people that could be on the planet where the guns are put on - it had to be him, and it had to be me. The Alliance already had an idea, that’s why they mobilized here - but why did The Illusive Man only know this now?” Continuous questions ravaged her brain, disbelief, apprehension, agitation. All of them gave way under the weight of shame.

But all of these emotions were also thrown out once Mordin had gotten her attention. It was time to be a soldier once again. Shepard moved to stand proper, taking a deep breath to settle her nerves. For a moment, she let her eyes meet the justicar, in acknowledgement they finally set off to do what had to be done. 

Back out in the battlefield, Kasumi and Garrus were now nearby, Shepard cocked her head, signalling a switch in squad. Now Garrus found himself beside Zaeed, Kasumi besider her.

“Alright Mordin, ready whenever you are.”

At that, Mordin brought up the control panel for the guns, EDI has just thrown out the warning that collector attacks were incoming. In that moment, hordes of collectors flew from the ship - little black dots coming closer, wings batting stronger as they reached their target. With guns and tactics at the ready. Shepard watched the battlefield unfold, Garrus poised to hit those from farther away, killing what he can - and to provide cover fire once the enemies were able to hit the most vulnerable of the team. Zaeed would be there, covering fire for him at close range. 

With her, Grunt had let out a series of proud roars, thumping his chest in excitement. Samara, again just as unfathomable as she was, glowed - though there was no difference in her demeanor, the crackling of power of her biotics at large was a feat to be admired. Kasumi set traps along the area around Mordin, ones that were carefully made not to trigger if any of the team mates were at range. The three of them circled around Mordin, they would protect him - and live to continue the battle.

When all was said and done, the collectors, dead upon the ground and the ship flying off into whatever hell of space - the colonist from earlier suddenly ran towards them - shouting, pleading for the ship to come back. Shepard understood deeply, those were his colony out there - but there was nothing much that she could do.

In the wake of the battle, even though they were able to do what they were set out to do, they had still failed. Failing this man, the colony, and if they continued, Shepard would fail humanity, which was the last reason she needed and so she accepted the berates of the man, not looking away, not submitting, but listening to him and his grief.

“I didn’t want it to end this way. I did what I could.” She said. She knew she didn’t have to defend herself, but she understood the grief of losing something - god knows she had lost enough.

She didn’t need to listen all that longer, as another human popped into view - “Kaidan.” she breathed.

Kaidan stepped up to her, and again Shepard felt like there was bile in her throat, Kaidan, sweet Kaidan, although their ages mattered little, Kaidan was always the one to grow old with a baby face, but as he stepped up to her - his face wracked with lines and tiredness, his voice edging from disbelief, relief, and questions, did Shepard realize how stupid she was. 

“I thought you were dead, Commander.” 

When Kaidan smiled, the weight in her chest lightened, and the hand that was offered to her made her choke. 

“It’s been too long Kaidan, how you been?” Shepard tried, she really tried to take on some sort of normalcy. Unfortunately, it was the wrong action to take.

The next action became worse and worse, Kaidan deflated for each branch of conversation they took, and she deflated along with him. Dejection for being separated, being kept in the dark. Sadness and rejection all piling on top of the other - until the worst came, the look of betrayal. 

“I honestly didn’t think Anderson was telling the truth. Or maybe I just didn’t want to know, to believe. But now that you’re here - telling it to my face...” Kaidan dropped his head like a kicked puppy. “I would have followed you commander, I followed you one to hell and back and I would have done it again - but now here you are and with Cerberus?” Shepard flinched, she would have rather the marine spat at her than this.

“I’m not with Cerberus, -”

“You’ve turned your back on everything we’ve ever fought for!” Kaiden turned around halfway, holding the bridge of his nose- something he usually did when the feelings inside him were too much to bear. “I’m sorry Shepard, but I know where my loyalties lie, I’ll be heading back to the Citadel, the council can believe your report or not, and with whatever happens -I hope you know what you’re doing with them.”

Kaidan left, and Shepard didn’t know how she got back into the shuttle. The ride back to the Normandy was quiet - no one spoke, maybe it was with respect, probably pity, but no one was looking at her, any maybe it was because it was true. She spared a look at her members, none of them Cerberus, perhaps maybe the pilot, perhaps maybe Zaeed if he was being paid considerably, but in the bottom of them all, they weren’t Cerberus, Grunt wasn’t, Samara wasn’t - Mordin, Kasumi weren’t. Not Garrus too. So maybe, maybe it was because she was with Cerberus, maybe they were controlling her - no, she knows she wasn’t being controlled- she was willingly doing this. She knew it was right, but having the circumstances thrown in her face -

“Shepard-” It was Garrus who spoke first, his talons moving to rest on her lap.

And it was how Shepard broke down, the cries she had thought she would never shed, fell, the shame she felt and the realization that she was just waiting for the inevitable finally happened. Nothing was what it was, any maybe nothing will ever be. Garrus was there sure, but for how long? Liara had her own life now, Tali didn’t even dare to look at her the first time they saw each other on Freedom’s Progress, Ashley was gone - maybe if it were Ashley saying those words rather than Kaidan it would have been easier to ignore, easier to swallow - given that Ash had always been she more straightforward of them. 

She cried - she cried in front of her team, the team that was supposed to be led by the strongest of the galaxy - a spectre for gods sake. What would Zaeed think of her? Maybe not so bad, they were humans after all, he would know what it felt like. But what of Grunt. This show of weakness must have been pitiful and this was supposedly his firm mission.

But there she was, weeping freely into the arms of the only old friend she had left. 

“Don’t leave me Garrus.” she whispered quietly into his armor, “I can’t… I can’t lose--” holding tight to the only other being who might have shared her pain of lost friends. She could hear the rumbles under the turian’s sub vocals, a cooing sound, low and comforting, vibrating in his throat and into her ears.

“I’m here Shepard. It’s okay.”

And as her cries started to die down. Shepard barely cared anymore. Let the pilot tell Miranda, let the pilot tell The Illusive Man, there was a reason Horizon was the place where the collectors attacked, there was a reason Kaidan Alenko was there - and she was going to force it out of him.

When they reached the Normandy, her eyes were tired but dry, surprisingly Miranda wasn’t there at first step or calling for her to report in. 

They all went ahead to report to Mordin’s lab, both he and Dr Chakwas were to check on their well being before they were to be cleared to get back. Once done, Garrus had decided to stay and talk to the salarian, Kasumi had left - most likely cloaked on her own. 

That left her with three of her team, Samara, Grunt and Zaeed, they all entered the elevators, Shepard kept her head high, though she did not meet any of her squadmates eyes. The ride at the elevator felt painfully slow, but when Grunt decided to break the silence, Shepard tried really hard not to break into tears once again. 

“That was a great fight Shepard. I look forward to battling more of those insect creatures. I look forward to battling every species I can, heh.” 

Maybe it was because Grunt was a little less than a month old, despite being in a full grown body - but the crux of the matter was - at least he didn’t look at her any less. A bubble of a laugh broke out of her, shaking her out of her shell as she nodded. “You deserve no less Grunt, you’ll be hitting all the species this side of the Milky Way yet. I promise.”

“I’ll hold on to that Shepard.”

The door opened and Grunt grunted his goodbye, Zaeed followed suit, giving her a respectable nod and leaving her and the justicar inside. 

Shepard shook her head as she pushed the button for the third deck and for her room.

“I must have looked weak.” she said smiling, letting the fringes of her hair fall onto her face, once again the shame creeping up on her as they ascended.

“I thought you were very much brave. It doesn’t all have to be guns and biotic charges after all.” Came the wise words of the matron. Shepard turned to look at her then, the justicars eyes still encased in steel - unmoving, unfeeling, almost unreal, though Shepard knew the real Samara deep inside, the passion and the loneliness.

Once more she sighed as the door opened to the third deck and she watched Samara walk out. “I wish I was brave last night too.”

With that, the door closed and Shepard was left once more feeling cold and lonely as she slipped into her bed.

Two floors down, Samara was back in her station and watched the void seemingly stay static even though they were not. Just like her, and for all intents and purposes of her appearance and status for more than four hundred years, she had seemed indomitable to many, but here in this little room in this little ship, surrounded by wonders that were also seemingly static but ever changing, she found herself all the more fragile. The justicar sat down to meditate once more, a moment for her, a moment for Shepard, and then once again to distill the code in her being. 

This was not her time. The past was not her time. One day in another life, maybe she would be gifted the reprieve, but for now she would once again surrender to the code that she made to instill in her. Trying as it might. Remembering each line of code, each page of the sutra. 

Shepard.

It cannot be. After her oath to the commander ends she would then be again binded to her own. The cat and mouse chase of mother and daughter throughout the galaxy. 

Shepard.

Their friendship has blossomed into one she had never thought she would be given the chance to have. A human, the youngest species in the galaxy by far, seemingly imprinted herself onto her being.

Shepard.

Such a young woman who has had so many trials in her years of living. War raged within the spectres blood, responsibility drove her to do what must be, and yet she retained her disposition. One that Samara continued to greatly admire.

Shepard.

One so young, who could have found companionship with whoever she would please- due to power, due to influence, due to the status she held, and still without a doubt, it was her that Shepard valued the most. Samara could not deny it, not anymore. Not when their hands held for so long. Not when they battled together, not when they shared bread and memories and looked for solace in the stars.

But it was Shepard.

And when she saw the girl - the women weep. For the ones she lost, and the ones she felt shame in. Samara could only understand, but she knew it was not her place. It would never be her place, even if Shepard, try as she would - might give her reprieve, Samara knew she was too old, too broken, a weight too much, centuries too much to hold over the commander. For all the stories they have shared, there were many, too many, many more to say, and yet there was so little time.

She breathed in, holding the air in her lungs slowly, purposefully, and then breathing out - free-flowing. For every breath she took, she gave herself reprieve of the wants and desires, let them stay and find solace that she had been gifted the chance to feel, and when she exhaled, she removed them one by one, each desire, each memory, each fire that burned in her heart. 

She was blue, Shepard was red, and the walls inside her mimicked the strong blue of the biotic field she let herself meditate in. The reds in her fortress were slowly brought in, removed from the walls and given notice, given thanks, kissed and set free - and then softy, purposefully, discarded - one by one.

And hopefully, once she had finished her meditation, she would find her purpose steeled once more.

Alas, it was not meant to be so, as just as she finished slowly building the walls around her, taking brick by brick and making sure she would be strong enough - indomitable enough to again continue her journey - her omnitool sounded. An alert that was all too well known.

Information. Her daughter was found.


	14. My Shame Laid Bare, Bears Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much notes lined up and this is my third re-write.
> 
> This chapter was once again a dance with the plot edits. It has undergone much change in plot and didn't come out a fast as other chapters were.
> 
> I also thought this was going to be my shorter chapter. Hay

_“I must meditate on the day’s events.”_

“Fuck it all, fuck Cerberus to fucking hell.” Shepard’s fist slammed the table on the modified meeting room - modified because she had decided to add chairs that would fit everyone - krogan included. 

Jacob was the one who stormed in the comms, probably alerted by the crazed woman who was shouting inside. Shepard didn’t know - heck she didn’t care if Jacob’s loyalty was to The Illusive Man or to her, but whatever it was - she spoke with all the voice of a commander who didn’t care shit about the ones below her. In hindsight, she could have asked EDI, but shouting at someone definitely helped.

“Call all the squad here - stat - and if they’re not here by the count of ten you can bet your sorry ass you will be left on whatever planet we next land on.” Shepard watched the man leave, still giving an actual salute at the command. With a groan, she moved her fingertips to her temples, trying to massage the stress away. It would have been easier if she didn’t think of these Cerberus people as friends.

The first to come in was Miranda - who probably didn’t need to be called by Jacob as her innumerable surveillance in the Normandy would have already had her come walking up to her. Shepard gave a humorless smile as the prodigy sat beside her, her right hand so to say, as Miranda has become kind of her right hand, just shy in years, but not in affection. 

“Commander.” the prodigy greeted as she sat. She only reserved that tone in the most serious of times.

“Fair warning, just because you’re important to me -” Shepard said, not meeting the others eyes as she continued on her brooding posture. “I am going to swear at Cerberus, and I will be wanting hell on your Illusive Man, so I will say this once, do not bother to correct me, do not bother to placate me - I will not listen to you, or anything that you could add.”

“Didn’t think it was time to vent and share feelings here- but you go you! Tell that cheerleader off.” Jack came in together with Zaeed, the convict took a big yawn, uncaring on how she looked as she sat in front of the prodigy, they never were friends much, but they were now in the ‘almost drinking buddy’ level of friendship. Shepard could never ask for more regarding that - so this was already very good. 

Normally Shepard would laugh, but the anger in her bubbled continuously, she cared for the bald biotic, and now shared more of her anger about Cerberus than ever before - but now was not the time. She would go and get drunk or hit some things or even throw things out of the airlock with her later - but now, she would let herself seethe.

A seething that Zaeed instantly recognized as the merc sat beside the prodigy, leaving an obvious open space between him and the bald biotic. In the haze of Shepard’s anger, she didn’t quite realize what it would have meant. 

Garrus came in together with Grunt and Jacob. The turian and krogan were sharing a joke, obvious as it was as even though Grunt stopped laughing as the door opened but the turian’s vibrations of his sub vocals had continued on as he sat down beside her. Grunt sat beside Jack, between the biotic and Zaeed, and her frown deepened as she realized what she was doing was not going according to her plan.

Within the same as Jacob sat in front of her, Mordin came in, humming a little tune and sitting at the farthest side to her left, leaving a chair between Garrus and he. Kasumi herself decloaked just as Mordin sat down, leaving herself between the salarian while the drell, who now came in, sat just beside her, between the former alliance and the thief.

It was awful, just awful. Her brow knitted together once more as she looked around. 

A few terse seconds passed, and when the seconds turned into a minute Shepard looked straight at Jacob.

“Jacob, I knew I said 10 seconds and maybe let’s just say it out here that I didn’t mean that sure - but it’s way past that 10 second mark.” Shepard stood up, electing to stare down at the soldier - even though her heart was not fully in it anymore.

“Where the fuck, is my squad.” No one in the team looked around, they knew who Shepard meant, hell Jacob even knew what Shepard meant but why did he not notice it straight away? 

EDI’s little hologram head popped out of the information pad. “Justicar Samara is at the cargo bay, she is not in her room Shepard. I shall now call her here.”

Shepard brought the same hands to her temples once again. “Let this.. Let this just be a lesson kiddos, you listen to the captain of this ship, we don’t want to be outdone by an AI alright.”

“Yes Commander.” Grunt was the only one who spoke. Shepard looked at him and the krogan looked around. Garrus’ laugh threatened to bubble outwards but Shepard cut him to it. She didn’t like that her anger was now subsiding, but she still needed to take control of the situation, even if it meant withholding her best friend a truly funny moment. 

“Good job Grunt.” she briefly said, acknowledging the act. Once again she looked around, it really wasn’t going as planned. The laughs that were shared, the ease that people had when they were settling inside - though her command was still readily apparent in her words and the squad would snap back to action. But there it was - her mistake, they were all instantly moving in their place, they knew their part of the pack, they believed in her, respected her - and she them as they have faced and fought together creatures, and rejoiced and shared the winnings, both in present and from facing the past. They were a bunch of crazy beings smashed into a ship - but there they were, working together, laughing together, believing in each other. 

How could she be mad at that? How could she be mad at them? Even if they were Cerberus’ choices. Shepard knew now that they didn't choose Cerberus, they chose her.

She sat back down and the door to the comm room opened, Samara entered, regal as always, her gorget seemingly glittering in the sterile light of the room- her eyes cold, secure - unfeeling, her gait graceful, purposeful, indomitable. It seemed colder than when she had first seen the justicar snap someone’s neck with her boot.

The justicar moved towards Shepard, waiting to be acknowledged - or at least berated for what seemed to be tardiness. When there was none - Samara simply bowed her head and sat on the only vacant area, between the turian and the salarian. 

“Now that we’re all here-” Shepard started, the edge in her voice back, though not anymore due to Cerberus or the The Illusive man - “we’re all going to have a nice little chat about the state of this ship and crew.”

They discussed what she and the Illusive Man had talked about - the fact of what had happened in Horizon, the whole reason she was resurrected and all the little possible rumours and security they needed to take just to make sure they’re functioning without having to think that one day one of them would turn.

“This is my ship, this is my crew- I don’t care about Cerberus payroll or what, the best pilot who's at the helm is no doubt mine. The doctor that patches all our sorry asses is here because of me. The turian who took a missile to his face and can hit a headshot three miles away is mine - the krogan is as much as mine as he needs to be. You give me your loyalty, and I give you my all - and that is why Cerberus as a company will never have me, even if they did revive me. They brought me back because they needed me - I’m doing this mission not for them, but for the fate of what I believe in. So if you’re following me just because you’re under Cerberus’ payroll, then you can shove your dossiers up your asses. But if you’re following me because you believe in this, in any of this - in me. Then you earn your place in this ship.”

A second passed between the impassioned speech, tactful as she was not, Jack was the first to speak.

“I’m with you Shepard, you know that - Cerberus can jack themselves off for all I care.” Jack said scoffing at the whole idea. She raised her hand, letting her voice take over “C’mon, everyone who isn’t up to licking Cerberus’ balls for shit, raise your damn hand.”

It was quick enough, Grunt, Garrus - Mordin raised their hands. With the Salarian coughing as he did so. “I stand with Shepard yes. Cerberus… jacking of and licking testicles not included.” With that Kasumi also raised her hand as well as Zaeed and Thane. Leaving only three souls who did not. 

Again it was Jack who was supposed to cut into the silence, Shepard waved her off. The silence broke when it was Grunt who spoke. “And the asari? Isn’t she part of your krantt?” 

A few sets of eyes passed through the table to settle at the justicar, the few who didn’t, knew of the deeper issues that lay under the cool stares.

Samara spoke, her words clipped and clear, unfeeling in it’s tone to the ears of those around her. “I stand by the Code, the Code of the Justicar, and I swore this Oath to aid Shepard, and so it shall be.”

The silence in the room was deafening.

It was like everyone was looking at Samara in which the justicar had grown a second hand. Although for Samara -it had only seemed that once again she had grown her head back properly. The code instilled in her.

Shepard didn’t need to see, but the soft gasps, hanging jaws and disbelief in the group's eyes spoke volumes. They all knew about her and Samara’s budding relationship. So to see this woman once again cold as if it was the first time she hand entered the ship was disconcerting at best.

Heck even she was moved with disbelief at the distance of the tone. The frown in her brow that had already left after the obvious loyalty of her squadmates came back. 

Shepard stood up - “you’re all dismissed. Jacob, Miranda. Samara, stay.”

The group left, their actions and mannerisms coming back to from when they first came in - with familiarity.

Shepard looked at the two cerberus personnel that obviously did not raise their hands. 

“I’m not going to go off on you two, I didn’t ask for you to lick Cerberus’ balls or any bullshit. You know your work, and if you report to The Illusive Man about me, that’s your thing - that’s your order. I’m a soldier and I know what that means. But I need to know if you both will follow my order, as the captain of this ship. That you will both trust me when what needs to be done, will be done.”

The two personnel chorus of ‘Yes Commander’ was easily said, together with Jacob standing up to give another salute. 

“Dismissed Jacob.”

It was Miranda’s turn to shift in her seat, her stance defiant even though she held herself as dignified as she could.

“I trust you Miranda. You didn’t have to raise your hand. I know.” Shepard said the words softly, almost soft enough for Miranda to hear, but when Shepard turned her head towards the prodigy and a small lazy smile crossed her lips, Miranda understood and nodded her head. 

Once again the commander closed her eyes, another smile gracing upon her lips as it seemed even Miranda had a spring in her step as the comm doors closed behind her.

That left the both of them, the justicar and her, basking in the sterile light of the comm room, only one chair apart in distance but it seemed so much farther away in soul. 

The words of the justicar pierced her, thoroughly. She knew that the asari was close to the others, and had before, though rare, spoke of her views that were of her own rather than her code, but to hear it - so crisp, so professional, it was like the woman who she had cared for vanished. 

The silence in between them stretched, minutes might have turned into an hour and yet still no one spoke. 

Was Samara deferring leadership back again to her? Rather than an informal partnership that they were used to? A partnership that most of her squad had informally held title of?

A tic in her jaw surfaced. If Samara wanted to be the justicar, then she could continue being just another dossier in the Cerberus files.

Shepard stood up, her eyes meeting the ice cold ones - not knowing if it were deference, pride or something, only knowing that it was empty eyes that held the same secrets the same way she had always looked before.

“Dismissed.”

And that was how Shepard left the asari, not a greeting, but by an order, one that she wished would never have to happen again.

Shepard would have gone straight to the engineering to get some steam off with Jack, but was stopped when Mordin had asked for her help.

It seemed the salarian had been hiding more than what he had let on, and even though Shepard had just practiced the hard commander exterior earlier, she listened in to Mordin’s concerns - even waving her hand at his worries of extending anything important.

“You’re former STG Mordin, you have your people, you care for them. I understand that. We’ll head to Tuchanka right now.” She moved her head towards the AI terminal.

“You heard that right EDI? Let Joker know the change in our route.”

“Acknowledged Shepard.”

Afterwards, Shepard did head straight to the engineering, letting herself reprieve from the stress of earlier - more because of the justicar now rather than Cerberus itself- but just as she exited the elevators of the engineering, a loud roar tore through the cargo hold.

“Something the matter Grunt?” she asked as the door opened and she looked at the krogan curiously. “Not going to turn rogue on me are you?”

The krogan grunted- as was his name sake. He uncharacteristically paced through the small hold, wringing his hands and acting like anything but a krogan.

“I feel something Shepard. A burn, an anger, deep inside me. I need to kill something, I don’t know what but it’s there. The feeling like it’s not my choice.” Grunt roared as he headbutted the glass of the cargo bay.

Shepard could only thank the gods, if Grunt did that -harder- to a susceptible part of the Normandy, they would have been space dust, and Cerberus would need to make her into Shepard 3.0 as she floated out in space.

“We’ll be heading to Tuchanka soon,” at Grunts look of surprise Shepard felt the need to add “Mordin has a request, something about a kidnapped pupil - either way, it’s good at least we can get your head back in the game.”

“Thank you Shepard, fury should be my choice, not a sickness.”

Samara was back at her station, continuing her meditation and feeling as serene though mostly empty. A similar situation when she had first done her mediation aboard the Normandy. Unfortunately the similarities had much less than the opposite. Back then she had felt eagerness, excitement, now it was a dull ache - an ache she had numbed back to a small protected ball as she continued on the sutras of her code.

She would still need to contact Shepard, let her know about the news of her quarry. From what she had gathered there had been no immediate missions from The Illusive Man, no new dossiers to fill. She was about to head to Kelly Chambers to ask for her assistance in contacting Shepard when they quickly passed through a Mass Relay and was shot off to a different system.

Contacting the ship's computer, Samara learned they were heading off to Tuchanka - it seemed she was a little too late for her needs.

When a part of her hoped that Shepard would visit - or that she should go and face the commander herself, her code easily swayed her back into a meditative position. She would relay the request to the yeoman after - and then she would make sure to ask for a boon.

The situation on Tuchanka was a little more like holding the pieces together than an actual civilization. The only real cause for happiness was the varren- Urz, and of course Urdnot Wrex. He had seemed all the more older now that what he did two years ago, but then again being a leader of a crazy band of krogans would do that - heck, Shepard was just with a handful and she felt she was going to go crazy. 

In the end, she found herself fully in Mordin’s good graces - which she thought she already had - but then again he is a salarian and they had their numerous secrets. Grunt was finally a part of the krogan - Clan Urdnot no less - and a lot more in control of himself.

She was glad to have had this chance to do their personal missions, it strengthened their bond, and definitely took her mind away from the more unpleasant emotional ones.

Back at the Normandy, when she exited the elevator to head to the galaxy map - it was Kelly Chambers who stopped her. “Commander - Samara said she was looking for you.”

If Kelly noticed the frown on her face the yeoman didn’t mention it. 

Shepard pressed for the elevator, frown in place as she wondered what it was about. Truly, she was somewhat excited as the justicar had never called for her in such formality before, but the obvious formality of it all meant that the asari was keeping her at distance. The excitement turned into confusion, frustration, fear. And once again she remembered the deafening sadness of their state in the comm room.

As she stood in front of the observation deck doors that gave her more feelings that thirty years of her life ever did, she resolved it in herself to finally make it or break it. She was going to go inside the room, and the door would open and she would instantly tell the justicar she loved her.

Of course, it didn’t happen. 

Of course, the galaxy decided to be cruel.

To be held once more in the limbo of the unknown.

To find herself there- almost but not quite.

To live a few more cycles in the hell she had burned herself in.

“Shepard, I must ask for your help. That is not easy for me.” Samara stood, her back turned to her as she once again was looking at the void.

Shepard, unused in such a tone anymore found herself shifting her feet. The command and coldness that she exercised earlier for herself- the same that could have proven to be fuel to a professional relationship had diminished. The comfort and camaraderie of the past could have just been valid as dust that has been thrown into the wind. 

Unsure on where Shepard now lay in terms of their relationship, she elected to be aloof. Unspeaking. As if listening patiently to a request of a recruit who wanted an audience with her.

The asari did not turn to face her, did not move into a familiar nod or hand signal that would ask her to come near. 

“When we met on Illium, I told you of a fugitive I was pursuing, a very dangerous person. With many thanks to your information, I have finally found her, she is in Omega. She has been going by the name Morinth, I would like to apprehend her before she disappears again.”

The silence passed between them. Shepard stood straighter, if the justicar was going to play this way, then she would as well.

“Go on, you’re finally willing to tell me about it anyways.” Shepard said, not liking the way the words fell out of her mouth.

“She is an Ardat Yakshi, it is a term for a dead asari dialect, meaning ‘Demon of the Night Wind’ but for all of it, she is a very dangerous woman who needs to be killed as she kills many without mercy.”

“Most of us have done that.”

“That is true, but she is different. She suffers a rare genetic disorder, when she mates with you, there is no gentle melding of the nervous system, she overpowers you, hemorrhages your brain, burns it out- and you would never realize that you were a husk of who you were, as you fall into your death.”

“Call me human, but then wouldn’t that be only for those she melded with?” Shepard realizes not, but as their talk seemed to border on familiar, despite the fact that she had steeled herself to stay by the door, she was now beside the justicar, an automatic movement of her body for proximity, for closeness- as if they were discussing the meaning of life.

Samara turned to face her, her face was uncharacteristically blank to Shepard, but the justicar’s eyes always spoke volumes in her despite the cold look. “Yes, unfortunately it is like a narcotic, every time she mates she grows stronger, and faster, and she has been doing this for four hundred years, it is no less of an addiction… She confuses her victims, twists their feelings. They will do anything for her favor.”

Shepard looked away at that, “It’s not so far off from what humans do to each other, or inflict each other. Though I see the levity of the situation as it is what you call an asari illness. In fact, maybe that’s why it’s different.”

The justicar refrained from answering, unsure where the conversation was going to go or end. 

Shepard bit her tongue, and then bit it again - the silence, she hated the silence between them - and so she spoke, whatever it is she could speak - “Before I forget to do this Samara or suddenly lose semblance of myself or find myself in the receiving end of your biotics, I want to say, I love you. I've fallen in love with you - I don't know when, but I know I do.” Shepard decided then though, to fuck the galaxy as it was. 

The seconds stretched to a minute passed. Silence. She hated the silence.

When the justicar spoke, Shepard would have preferred that she reaved on her instead. Or maybe that’s what had just happened, had the life sucked out from her.

“I feel no desire for the emotion. I apologize. I am a justicar and I have a code, and I have a duty I am sworn to do.”

Flashbacks of their moments in the observatory slammed into the commanders brain, for every laugh, every frown, every movement and nuance, for every time they were on missions, back to back with each other, fighting for their team and fighting for their lives.

There is a fire inside Shepard’s heart, she wanted to scream; what did they have then, what were those conversations? Those nights? They had to mean something, they were both alien but they also both felt emotions. That was why they were sentient, but why this - why now? 

She did her best to subdue it. “I guess this is what I meant, how humans do it to each other. Though there is no death until one scorned party does it so.” If the justicar was curious - Shepard did not see it anymore. No more tilt in the head, soft conflict in the eyes, no burn. Just cold. A duty. “Anyway. Sure. I’ve done personal missions for the others. Yours is just neatly lined up. - EDI, tell Joker to head for Omega.” She had to leave, she had to scream, she had to be human.

For a fraction of an inch, the justicar’s body sank, Shepard idly thought if it was because the asari was afraid her request would be ignored. If Shepard was dealing with a human, maybe, maybe she would have ignored her. But the justicar was not - and in the end, she was a commander of the ship, she had sworn them loyalty for their trust, not for their love. 

“Thank you Commander,” the justicar finally said, a small bit of reprieve, but the ‘commander’ in her tone didn’t go unnoticed. It was still very much a professional relationship and request. “There are no words to express how it means to me.” 

Shepard stared, but when the seconds once again passed, she made a turn to leave, she had a lot of words she needed to express. Unfortunately, she needed to reign them in a little longer, as just after a few steps she took, Samara spoke again.

“There is one thing more... “ Shepard stopped in her tracks, listening. “This creature, this monster. She is my daughter.”

And in those small words, the anger in Shepard lifted, human compassion took over, love and understanding took over - and in two quick strides she was back beside the woman she would have given anything to be with.

“I cannot imagine what it’s like -” she went to reach out with her hand, to provide comfort - it was met with air as the justicar moved away. 

The coldness seemed back, though much more subdued, like getting wet on a rainy day and leaving yourself out even as the rain had passed. Surrender.

“I do not want your pity Shepard, I do not accept it. My daughter's condition is my fault, and my redemption lies, in killing her.”

Shepard stared hard at the justicar, the love staying, but human frustration and shortness of mind - decided to rear through once again. “I don’t pity you. I’m trying to understand your situation!” her voice had risen, she did not mean it.

Again only cold eyes met her. “I apologize. Thank you for helping me find her.” If Samara thought her words would bring ease, it did not - not to a human who knew how to deflect feelings just as well.

She turned to leave, so many questions once again asking in her head, but she tried to temper it down, there was nothing they could talk about, and even if Samara was open to telling it, then Shepard would just be sitting under the gaze of a justicar, not the friend she had been with for so long.

In a classic display of human short sightedness, Shepard laughed, low, mirthless and reeking of self pity. “It’s just like I said…” now it was her time to speak with her back against the other. “I guess that’s how humanity’s stubbornness differs from those who live up to a thousand years old. I’m not calling myself a victim here, but I am confused, my feelings are twisted - and yet…” Her mind was screaming for her to stop, to not continue her trail of thought, to just leave and let go - and do the missions as it was, but no, a part of her did let go, did become human, did become a child. The thought left her lips and even though she would regret it - just like how it all turned out to be, she would live with it. 

“I would still do anything for you.” 

With that sentence hung in the air of the observatory, Shepard left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a good fic sized notes for this chapter. As I was feeling terribly horrible yesterday, or maybe just terribly descended into madness of my writing and the thoughts of Shepard and Samara hahaha.
> 
> In the end, I am now awake after a nights sleep (and idk i felt like it take two sleeps beofre I was able to post this) and my supposed fic sized note is now back as is. All I can say is - This is why I didn't want to make a Samara / Shepard fic and held it off. The feelings are just too extreme, and I thought I could hold them as good as ME2 Samara rejecting Shepard, but nope i'm not.
> 
> \------------
> 
> I have also been having really bad views on the fic, like personal views, doubting the speed of it, doubting my Shepard if she was too weak, Samara less justicar-y. But then that's why Shepard is pliable to be anything, she is strong even if she had been bitten, cried, in pain. And Samara, is also human- in a sense of humane, and isn't that why there are fanfictions, to make do of the limited ones we see in the main game. After all, Samara's blank look anywhere else oozes with emotion once she's talking with Shepard in the observation deck.
> 
> again. hay.


	15. An End To A Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds temptation in the VIP section of Afterlife. 
> 
> She didn't expect that Ardat Yakshi was the splitting image of her mother after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to publish this tomorrow (my time, May 10), that would be Mother's Day, and that would be cruel XD

_“My redemption lies, in killing her.”_

A few in her team had asked to join her in Omega, they knew there was a mission, similar to ones of Miranda or the recent likes from Mordin - but they knew little of what it was. Miranda had given the clear because so far there was no new info to go on from Cerberus.

So just as what happened in Illium, Shepard took a small team, Garrus and of course the reason for their arrival, Samara. The others were given free a short reprieve of a stay, but rules were heavily enforced as it was all too possible things could go wrong in Omega. The last thing she would want is Donnelly getting killed for his offhand comments. 

Samara and her had arrived in Afterlife, and of course Aria was the best person to ask for information. Garrus was tasked to be in the shadows, knowledgeable as the Archangel was in the districts of Omega. 

“You’re back. What do you need?” came Omega’s queen with her no nonsense attitude and commanding presence, a similar yet very different aura from the one beside her. As of course it’s obvious that she let herself be more jagged in her actions compared to the serene mask of the justicar, both of their powers, still obviously strong when watched by an observer.

“An asari fugitive is hiding here, she’s an ardat yakshi, we need to find her.” 

Aria spared a look at the justicar who’s eyes were trained on them and nothing else. “Huh, that’s why there’s a justicar here- out of all the possible places. I’m guessing you took an oath justicar?” Aria turned back to Shepard even before the other asari spoke. “I’m sure she did, or I’d be in a fight right now… anyway, yeah I knew it - nothing leaves a body quite so empty as an ardat yakshi does.”

This time it was the justicar who spoke “You haven’t taken steps to kill her?” Samara said almost incredulously. 

“Why would I?” Aria replied, a scoffing laugh at her tone, “she hasn’t tried to seduce me. Her last victim was a young girl, a pretty thing. You can find her family in the tenements near here.”

Shepard stood up. “Thanks for the help as always Aria.”

Aria gave a sardonic grin, “Good luck finding her, better luck catching her and hey, Shepard. Keep your justicar leashed properly to her oath. I’d rather not have Omega get overrun, we’re not all guilty here.”

The pair left, Shepard mistakenly took a glance at the justicar, hoping to find some kind of anything in there - but no, it was just the same old face that could not be broken.

When they reached the tenement, Shepard was not ready for another set of pain, she had tried to comfort the woman, it seemed they were one of the real rare innocents in Omega’s station. She had promised to help, just as Samara vowed to exact revenge, especially in the wake of knowing what it was to have lost a daughter. Shepard didn’t know how similar that would be, but she didn’t breach the topic further.

“This is Morinth’s work.” Samara said speaking to her in whispered tones, as if the poor mother or Morinth could hear her “she is attracted to artists, creators, someone with a spark, isolated from their peers. She impresses with sophistication and sex appeal. Then she strikes. The hunt interests her as much as the conquest.

“I should have my guard then, she’s been like this for what? Four hundred years? That’s a lot of practice.” 

“She speaks to you on many levels, her body tells yours that she’ll bring unimaginable ecstasy…” Samara blinks, unconsciously as she realized her words. “I would like to ask you something Shepard.” 

And there Shepard blinks as she looks up, the eyes she had come to know warmth despite the stares had come back for a moment “Have you ever melded with an asari before?” the justicar asked.

She couldn’t escape a laugh coming out of her, “Once. No twice.”

“Twice?”

She didn’t know if Samara was asking or stating, but Shepard answered anyways. “One was with Liara, though she said it was more of a knowledge meld due to the prothean ruins found in Eden Prime - like I said before. Second was with Sha’ira.”

“The Consort?” Samara asked, an obvious surprise in her tone.

“Yeah. That was my first, it happened during a mission I did for her, I didn’t set a schedule, it just happened and that’s what she wanted to share.” Shepard knew her voice was already rising in defense and so she waved her hand, ending the topic. “Not like I have a thing for asari’s.” she muttered in the end, unknowing that she had said it out loud. “Anyway please continue, I”ll need all the info on this Morinth.”

“You will have to be careful, even before the melding she will try to enrapture you fully, her scent evokes emotions long hidden, her eyes promise you things you were always scared to ask of another. Her voice whispers to you even if you are done speaking.”

Shepard tried so hard not to laugh, but her voice, full yet hollow, sounded along the walls - even Garrus’ clicks and concern on her comms was obvious. 

“Sounds like my kind of asari!” she commented, a mirthless smile on her lips, turning her face into one of unpleasantness. 

Samara looked at her curiously. “You joke Shepard, but for all your might, you will be in great danger.”

Shepard scoffed, not because she didn’t believe Samara- but because she couldn’t believe how thick the justicar was, maybe it was her code, maybe it was her daughter, maybe it was the situation. But all the things Samara described, wasn’t that how Shepard felt for the justicar herself?

Somehow she knew where Samara was, so strong as her scent lingered with her, when they talk, their connection grew. How her eyes though one of cool icy lakes makes her feel she was melting on top of it, how they have talked for hours and days and have spoken and learned more of each other in the time that they had. How Shepard had shared with her many of her own misgivings - the only things that weren’t spoken - were the ones too late.

“We shall have to be smart about this Shepard, if she gets wind of this she will go underground, 10, 20, 50 years or more. This is the closest I have ever been.” Samara sounded as if she wasn’t the justicar again, and in that small moment of weakness, Shepard tried to get in - her hand moved upwards, stopping halfway when she realized quickly that Samara was closing again.

“You don’t have to worry, whatever your plan is, we’ll work through it.”

They arrived at the VIP section of the afterlife quickly enough, Shepard had already been granted access but before she did, she made sure to change, a simple casual clothing that did not stand out - as Samara said she would stand out as who she was already. 

Just as Shepard stood in front of the door - she saw the justicar wave her hand from behind boxes and crates. Shepard always laughed at how ‘cute’ it looked like. She would remember it always. Once again steeled herself as she approached the justicar, who now was giving her tips on how the plan should once again go.

“Shepard, know this, until I get there, you are in great peril. We only get one chance at this, if you’re at the least bit unsure, come talk to me. I will wait here.” Shepard looked at the justicar, it was almost as if she was pleading, but then again four hundred years would do that to you - so if she were to be the one assisting Samara to finally be able to breath free at least once, then she would do it- even if she had to be bait for it to happen.

The commander moved to take her leave, the sound inside the VIP of the club turning higher, seeping through the walls and making it easy to hear - but then she was once again stopped by the justicar, though her words were soft, once again a whisper, she had heard it despite the blazing music that came from inside. 

“Thank you, Shepard, I do not - have never shared this burden, it is not easy, and you are the only soul I can imagine sharing it with.” Samara was so very near her, almost as if they were back in the observation deck, close - proximity, an unshared, unopened box of mysteries - but here she was again, enraptured by how she said her deepest thoughts. 

Shepard made to move just as Samara moved away - Shepard raised her hand to grasp the asari’s elbows. 

“Samara.” her breath said, a whisper coming out as well, breathy, emotional. That one word held all the things she wanted in life, in the future. “Don’t turn away. Please.”

Samara moved back to her position, eyes looking at the human who had slowly but surely undone her. She knew it in herself that Shepard excavated herself once, unravelled her, from her stories to being a justicar, to her fears and longings. Maybe if they weren’t here- not in Afterlife finally chasing the reason for her oath, then maybe she would have had more emotional barriers for herself. But the reality is that she was so near to Morinth, she was so near to the reason why she had designed to be a justicar in the first place. 

Samara knew that she could not remove the emotion in her eyes.

Shepard stepped up, removing the hand at her arm and coming up tentatively, carefully, as if coming to pet a wild- no, not that - as if coming to keep herself, themselves whole. Samara did not move when Shepard's warm human hands touched her cheek, if she were any weaker she might have fallen and given in, but weak is what she was not. She did not move, but let it stay for a moment, her eyes only watching the green ones reflecting the neon lights of the club.

“Thank you for sharing it. You are the only soul I can also imagine sharing myself as well.” with that soft, ever so sad smile that crumbled her defenses, Samara watched with fear at the retreating back of the commander. For a moment, for that moment, even though Samara knew how strong Shepard was in the face of anything - she truly feared that she would lose another to her daughter.

Inside the Afterlife, Shepard had all the grounds to herself. No one was watching, unless maybe Aria was - but for once she entered the doors of the VIP club, there was definitely something in the air that made her feel she was truly in a place where no one could bother her. 

So she did as what she, Shepard would do, when in a mission where all she had to do was be herself.

She went and bought everyone a round of drinks, stopped two - no three turians from being an asshole, stared down another krogan asshole, and threatened a human who didn’t even look like he was supposed to be in the VIP section of the afterlife.

Honestly, the short stint she did made her nerves click, as if the cybernetics Cerberus gave her started throbbing and tearing her skin. 

It was when she was holding her head and heading straight to the bar to get herself something to drink did someone talk to get their attention. Shepard reeled and steeled herself with every fiber of her being as if she were once again doing drills in the military trying not to cry as the sergeant pounded at her with his words and spit.

The ardat yakshi was the splitting image of her mother.

As Shepard and Morinth went to the said bar booth, Shepard wished that Sovereign should just come back and crush her. It was cruel how the galaxy was, that this cure was four hundred years in the making, waiting just for her to fall.

Shepard was a little too deep in her thoughts that she hadn’t really registered what the asari in front of her was saying. 

“Hm? I’m confident, I know what I like.” She said, although she was not yet in the right frame of mind - looking at Morinth felt like her nerves were already set on fire. The commander in her wanted her to look, to listen, to solve the problem, but the human in her, the one being attached to the darkness of the booth, the rhythm of the music, the one longing for the love that had been justly spurned made her push with mistakes.

“Do you?”

“I’m fascinated by justicars.” she blurted out - meaning it, in a way, as in reality she was more fascinated by only one certain justicar.

Morinths face turned sour quickly, and it was there that Shepard found the footing she needed. Morinth may have looked like the asari that she had found kinship with, but there were tell tale signs in the face that were obviously not.

Shepard waved her head dismissively, “I’ve read about them, I’m a soldier, something to learn from the ins and out, Salarian STG’s, Krogan Warlords.”

That seemed to have piqued her back. “I’d like to get to know more about you -” Morinth started to say, “I’ve never seen you here before, what do you think of Afterlife? The music is delicious isn’t it? Dark rhythm, violent pulses, stirs something primitive in me.”

“I don’t think you’ve heard anything that I would like.” Shepard said, keeping her face unreadable.

Morinth’s eyes turned into slits, a little like how Samara does when she’s annoyed by a nearby enemy before turning them into ragdolls in the sky. “You think my taste in music is shallow?” the asari challenged.

Shepard relaxed her position, crossing one leg over the other. “Is my opinion so important to you?” She challenged back.

Morinth’s eyes softened, familiar as she spoke. “It must be, I”m talking to you, aren’t I?”

That’s how Shepard knew that this is what Samara was saying. Morinth was definitely good, four hundred years of practice made her good on making others submit.

“There are ways you can lose yourself in the music here, enhance that feeling.” 

Their conversation went on, and as much as Shepard enjoyed staring at Morinth’s face thinking about the little similarities she and Samara had, she knew this had to lead somewhere soon. It was getting dragging for her. If there’s anything, Samara’s daughter didn’t speak quite as much to the soul as she did - or maybe it’s just her own bias.

Time to play the trump card and get this show going.

“Do you think this conversation is about power?” Shepard asked, interrupting Morinth as they talked about violence and space. The commander posed to lean in, make it seem that she was challenging the asari.

Morinth laughed “Of course it is.”

“Well you’re losing.” and with that, Morinth herself moved forward, both eyes staring at each other in challenge. Until Morinth added to it by giving a smirk, “Oh now you’re just toying with me.”

“Am I? Cause the fact that we’re here sitting in your booth means I’m winning.” Shepard went back to a relaxed position, she had made her point.

Morinth continued to hold her gaze, it seemed the asari was making sure that every movement created a reaction and as Shepard watched the asari take a drink and speak, she knew she passed.

“Do you wanna get out of here? My apartment is nearby and I want you alone.”

Once in the apartment, Shepard sat adjacent to the asari, it was Morinth who started up the conversation again. 

“Is safety what you want, Shepard?” she had asked and Shepard had to think about it, safety was the goal of it all, the reason why she was going this dance with an ardat yakshi, why she was going head to head with the reapers, but even so - the journey was not safe, Morinth wouldn’t seem to understand that.

“Safety is a construct, even so - I’d rather fight that hide.” Shepard replied, the sure force of will evident in her tone. Outside of Afterlife it was obvious what role she played, a role she had been in for what seemed like decades.

Morinth stood, and went to sit on her lap, Shepards brain fizzled for a moment. Morinth. Samara. The asari was so near, so similar, their weight, would it be the same? Their skin would it? Shepard once again had to steel her resolve not to move her hands as the asari spoke. “Independence over submission. We share that. You and I.”

The asari’s voice was almost like a whisper. Although her voice and her actions held no consequence for her, but the image, the similar image she and her mother had, that was something hard for the human in her to grasp. A longing, a desire so strong, a risk, a dare to take what could have been, might have been.

But Shepard was stronger, she knew she was, she had to be, not after losing her teammates, losing her ship, finding all that she loved before slowly leaving her - it broke her sure, but she was stronger now. “You compare us Morinth, but you’re nowhere near my league.”

It was obvious she had an effect on the asari as Morinth stared at her as she seemingly voiced her need - her want. The asari sat beside her and she could easily see the telltale signs of melding as Morinths eyes turned black.

“Look into my eyes, tell me you’d want me, tell me you’d kill for me, everything I want.”

She was not insusceptible to the charms of an asari, a species that she had obviously found herself fond of, and even though she stared and felt a pull in her being, her heart shielded her. Strong and true, it didn’t want a quick replacement, Shepard wanted the real thing.

“I’ve seen your eyes somewhere, similar.” Shepard spoke low struggling to regain herself from the connection Morinth so wanted to happen. “I want her, and I’d kill for her. Everything she wants, and this is what she wanted. Sorry Morinth, I’m not the victim you were hoping for.”

The asari in front of her blinked, the black in her eyes receding, and Shepard felt the fog in her brain dissipate.

“But you - who are you - oh I see, the bitch had finally found herself a little helper.”

And with that, chaos ensued.

When Samara came in, all biotically charged and looking like the angel of vengeance descending on her foe, Shepard couldn’t help but stare in awe. As the mother and daughter fought, she watched intently on how Samara was how she was - a soldier. There was no trace of motherliness, no trace of emotion at how both asari’s toppled each other and shouted- no ounce of care unlike what Shepard had heard from before. Care yes, sadness yes, anger yes, but this time - they were just two asari’s equally fighting for their lives.

The asari’s were both at a stalemate, and Shepard thought about how it was possible for a four hundred or so asari to be equal with one older, a justicar. It sickened her how it came to be. As Samara had said _"The expedient path may be fast, but it does not mean it’s the correct one to take."_

“I’m as strong as she is! I can take her place, in your ship or by your side, in your life- let me join you Shepard.” Morinth said, her eyes taking a second to look into her soul before turning to focus on her mother. 

In those few words, Morinth had laid out all the manipulative words that could have made a weaker woman give in. The Ardat Yakshi was strong, and certainly showed more interest in a possibility of a carnal relation, it was easy to be swayed.

“I am already sworn to help you Shepard, let us finish this.” Samara’s voice rang in her thoughts, even though the asari did not look at her - she didn’t need to.

Shepard moved to stand beside Morinth. The spectre looked sadly at the situation they were in. Morinth moved to smile, it seems like she was going to be the winner in this outcome, having Shepards power with her would most easily have her mother be toppled.

“Even if that is all she could ever give me.” Shepard said sadly, her eyes, vulnerable now, dropping their shields and their concerns and looking up at the woman she had fallen for so dearly. “Even if I can never have her, I would do it all over again.” 

With a smile that evoked love, understanding, mixed with the eyes lit by hope and courage. Shepard turned back towards Morinth, and subdued her.

Samara was quick in her daughter’s death and when it was all done, the justicar spent no time to waste as she stood up and asked if they were ready to leave.

Shepard couldn’t believe that that was all there is to it.

“Samara… do you want to talk?” Shepard asked, careful in her approach.

And it was there Shepard saw that Samara broke, the walls that had been surrounding the justicar had come undone, and in the eyes, eyes that were filled with sadness as if it would never see light again spoke.

“Shepard, what do you think I will say? What can I say? I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters. There are no words. I will try another time… for now, please show mercy on a broken old warrior and let us leave.

The trip back to the Normandy was oddly clad in irony. People were told that they would be leaving soon, and Shepard could see throngs of her team in whimsical delight, taking pleasures in the small downtime they had to enjoy and mingle and buy and so on. But there they were, both she and Samara walking along with the others, the silence in them engulfing them as the throngs of people chattered.

Shepard walked with Samara until the door to the observation deck. She spoke.

“I’ll check up on you later. I understand you need some time.”

  
  


Back in the solace of the observatory, Samara let her defenses fall as she wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe we are almost at the end of the ME2 saga. This is after all a Samara/Shepard story, the build of the game happens in the in-betweens.


	16. Are You Really Free?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Another Time, Another Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN ANOTHER TIME ANOTHER LIFE... we knew this was bound to happen.

_“For the first time in 400 years, I am free.”_

Shepard had to have been happy, she had to be, Tali was with her now after all, it just took so much death and shame and a bit of awkward glances, but their camaraderie had easily gone back to how they were - as friends. It seemed things were going well for her. An old friend came back, and she was able to award that friendship by standing for Tali in front of the Admiralty Board. That was a feat on it’s own, that even though she was just some human in certain standards, there was no point in denying that she had swayed the quarian people to their cause. To Tali’s cause.

As she sat there in the poker table down at the cargo hold, Gabby, Ken, Garrus, Zaeed, Jack and even Tali learning how to play and all of then having fun at the quarian’s expense of being unaware of the rules - and losing badly, she couldn’t find it in herself to have fun.

Could she go back to Samara now? Had there been enough time for the justicar to grieve? A mother? She wouldn’t know.

“You know Tali, you’re lucky we’re just dealing with these ugly ass chips here, if we played strip poker you’d probably be dead.” Jack said, a predatory smile on her face as the group waited for Tali’s flushed reaction.

It didn’t come, as Garrus was the first to speak, “Well Jack, I’m sure you can’t afford to lose as well, seeing as what, you have maybe two rounds before you’re done?” 

The chorus of ‘oohs’ along the table made Jack sit up straight. “What if that’s what I want?” She countered, her eyes begging for a dare.

It was Zaeed who cut the chatter. “Now now baldy,” he said in his usually affectionate but grumpy voice. “We have a child in the vicinity, no need to be so crass.” 

The group turned to see Grunt on the side of the cargo bay, working ever so carefully to set up a model ship that he had found - and hid from Shepard when they found the box intact in one of the rubble.

“Nah, he isn’t even noticing us, right Shepard?” Jack said, swinging her head to the commander who seemed lost.

“Hey, you listening to me?” she said, her voice going louder.

It took Garrus to nudge Shepard trying to get her back in the moment. “Hey, Shepard, you alright?”

Shepard shook her head and looked blankly at the group. “Yeah, yeah I’m sorry. I - were where we?”

Jack scoffed. “We were talking about how Tali would die if we played strip poker.”

“Ay, and how Jack would like it to lose - ay, that’s painful Gabby!!” Came Ken’s voice, chipper as usual, and then came Ken’s groan, as another elbow to his shoulder came in contact thanks to Gabby.

Shepard nodded, her face not really noticing the situation. She nodded her head, “Yeah, yeah that’s good.”

Tali turned to Shepard alarmed, “You know Shepard, I don’t think getting very sick and dying is good - or -” Garrus once again became the barrier as he stopped Tali with three talons to her shoulder. The quarian looked up at him as the turian shook his head.

It was Grunt’s ‘A-ha!’ that shook Shepard from the moment. “I built it Shepard! I didn’t break it. You owe me your dessert Jack!” 

Shepard stood up, cards falling from her hands as she ignored the shouts from the table. “That’s great Grunt, I have another one - a double of the Destiny Ascension, it’s big - you want it?” 

At Jack’s voice of indignation Shepard turned to look at the table, suddenly realizing how lost she was. “Oh yeah, yeah sorry - dismissed guys, I gotta go.”

The group stared at Shepard’s retreating back, faces ranged from confusion to worry. It wasn’t until Kasumi de-cloaked on the now vacant chair that the group’s face changed from concern to startled.

“Alright! Now I can play!” The thief said as she brought out a new pack of cards and shuffled them.

It had been a little over three days since Shepard had talked to Samara, three days since that fateful day in Omega. During that time there was really only Tali’s dossier to complete, and so she had made the point to make sure the justicar had enough time to meditate and grieve, she had a lot of other valuable teams that would work anyway.

So when she opened the door, she was unsure if Samara was ready.

“Morinth had haunted my dreams and waking hours equally. For the first time in four hundred years, I am free.” Samara walked towards the window, stopping at the usual area where they viewed the outside fully. “I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, Shepard… but I am free.” The hitch in the Justicar’s voice made it obvious she had still been crying. “It is not a feeling I can describe.” The justicar turned now to face her - eyes shining, holding the tears again. It never came.

Shepard stood at a respectable distance in front of her, “What will you do now that Morinth is gone?”

“Assuming I survive your mission? I am a justicar. Injustice still seeds the worlds somewhere.”

“You aren’t looking to settle down? Retire?”

Samara moved her face away as she went back to the floor to a meditative pose. “I have tried that once, I started a family, settled down. That was not for me, I shall fight and struggle all my life. That is my fate.When I die, it will not be in bed, I am at peace with that.” In that moment Samara’s body shimmered and her eyes glowed. It was the first time she had ever meditated in between their conversation.

“You can still choose to decide for yourself, where you go and what you do Samara.” her voice was seemingly high pitched, maybe it was due to the fact the asari had technically blocked her with the meditation. Shepard couldn’t believe that that was the end of the conversation, that and how Samara somehow hid behind the wall of her biotics.

“I have chosen this path. I truly am at peace… due in no small part to you.” If that was Samara’s way of thanking her, she was going to have none of it.

“I don’t believe that. If that's the end of whatever this is, then I don’t believe that, and I don’t want to be a part of that.” Shepard felt like she was talking to a wall, behind Samara’s glowing eyes it seemed she was impenetrable, and a very human, albeit childish part of her didn’t want this to be the end of it.

The asari did not reply, Shepard left.

It took three more days, and more personal missions without the justicar, for them to talk again.

“Shepard.” Samara greeted as the door to the elevator opened. It seemed the justicar was waiting for her - Jacob gave her a salute before leaving, while Kasumi gave a small smile of what seemed to be encouragement of sorts before shimmering away out of view.

Now she was alone in the elevator. “Going up, Samara?” she asked. 

“I would like to speak to you.”

“Yes, here we are.” 

Shepard had waited for the asari to talk to her in the elevator, it seemed that was not the case, and so with a sigh, she walked behind the asari - going back to the area in the ship that she was starting to despise.

“I’ve done many things in my lifetime, I thought the galaxy held nothing new for me. But since joining you - I…” Samara turned to face her, and even though Shepard knew she tried to be strong for the past few days, she was still very much weak within the proximity of the justicar. “I realized how much more there is.”

Samara smiled, Shepard did not know what to make of it. Were they going back to step 2? Civilized talking? Budding friendship? Creating camaraderie?”

“Like I told you -” Samara continued, a smile still in place. “I have served as a mercenary in my younger years, journeyed as far as was possible, fought tyrants, and pirates, experienced what the galaxy could offer. And I had many years of that, decades, a century and when I became a justicar, I saw parts of the asari space - part of the galaxy that few knew about. I destroyed villages, saved cities, I even fought a spectre.”

Shepard would have thought she said it bashfully, a lightness in her tone.

“There’s bound to be more.” Shepard said, remaining cordial, still unsure where the conversation was going.

“I am sure… and… it will be my honor to stand with you to the end.”

There it was again, that word honor, Shepard didn’t need honor, she wanted more…

“You’re thinking we won’t make it?” She asked the asari.

“You’ve assembled a powerful group, but we are fighting an unknown. I am ready for whatever comes, but I do not fool myself about our chances”

“You know I won’t allow that. We will live through this mission. I have more to fight for the sake of the galaxy.”

“Shepard…” It was now Samara’s turn to lift her hand, until she realized it and caught herself. “You have been a good friend to me.”

“Just that?” Shepard asked, willing her eyes to drill back into the reflective gray ones. Wanting the asari to feel just how much she had fallen for her “I want more, I’m not going to deny we had a connection.” She moved to step forward, bringing both the asari’s hand in hers.

Samara looked at her, looked this time with one of intent, clouded, but intent nonetheless. She could feel the asari’s thumb move through her own, blue fingers delicately pressing on her flesh.

“Before you came into my life, I never dreamed that one so young could touch me. Not just here, with physical bodies, but in my heart. You have undone me many times Shepard, and for that I am both sorry and grateful.” The intent in the gray eyes lessened, a veil of sorrow floating down. “But Shepard, you must put the thought from your mind, truly. It can never be.”

Shepards hands held tighter on the other, she stepped forward, a fire in her body igniting, telling her to push, telling her to seize the moment. “You can’t think that way, you have to open your mind - we can work-”

“I serve a code stronger and deeper than any feelings. If we survive this mission, my oath to you ends, and I will be once again bound by the code. That makes a relationship impossible.” Samara kept her eyes to the green one, she could feel the red bricks in her shield once again slide inside, ever so effortlessly, as if always putting the pieces of her broken wall together. But it shouldn’t be. There should be no room for the beautiful red bricks of Shepard in her life.

Shepard tried a different tactic, a tactic she knew was to fail yet still did. “You’ve kept control for a long time, but you still have needs.”

“I have the strength to withstand my own drives, Shepard.”

Frustration reared its head, but Shepard did what any human would do - fight for it. Fight for her feelings, she was not an asari who had centuries in her to be able to wait, to be able to mourn. “But that’s the thing… you don’t have to. The galaxy won’t end if you find happiness. I have seen what’s within you, just as you’ve let me, just as I’ve let you. Your passion, your drive, you say that I am a force to be reckoned with - do you remember what we talked about? What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?”

Samara chuckled at that, her hands moving to remove themselves from Shepard, though she did not leave her place. “You are different from anyone I have met, from any species. I do think, I believe that I can find more than happiness with you. But my self control is who I am. Don’t pursue this please.”

Shepard tried to cool herself this, even as her body thrummed with the will to win. She had never felt like this before, she had never been so in love before that it physically hurt. There were so many that she had been with in her Alliance days, moreso when people learned she was alive and was a hero, but she didn’t care about all that. “You’ve been strong through so much Samara, as a justicar, as a mom, will a justicar be the only thing you will live to be? Again as you said, you are free. Now is your time.”

They moved closer- Shepard understood, she understood what duty entails, but she knew that duty was not everything. She could have been a commander, a spectre all her life, until now, until she died and was resurrected, she could be ruthless, making sure that the only reason she was there was to get the job done, that everyone was just a means to an end. But duty wasn’t everything, within it was love, was laughter, was connection. Isn’t that why all species one day go out in space? To search for connections and more.

Shepard moved forward once again, the proximity the nearest she had ever been, she didn’t know if it was she who was burning or if it were both of them. It felt so warm, so comforting. The spectre placed her hands on the nearing blue body, one wrapped around the waist and another cupped the blue cheek - the same cheek as the one in Omega, and this time, she watched as Samara closed her eyes for a moment and rested on that hand. 

Shepard felt the ball of fire in her swell, Samara raised her hand to her head, and Shepard had expected the soft nudge to bring their lips together.

“In another time, another life.”

The whisper of the most painful five words were breathed near her, so near to her lips that if she took the plunge she would capture the violet ones in her own. 

But she did not. The fire in her popped, like a bubble, it ceased to exist. There was no imploding or exploding of feelings.

The hand by her cheek stayed. 

Shepard felt cold now, her eyes dropping to the floor, her hands hanging loosely down her body. 

She could feel a thumb brush under her eye. "Shepard, excuse me."

And then, Samara was gone.

She was left alone.

Alone in the void of space that had once been her favorite part of the ship.

Shepard crumbled, her knees shook, and she let herself fall to the floor. 

In another room, just separated by a wall. Samara stared into the drive core of the ship. Unaware that her biotics were flaring, keeping the crew at bay. 

This time, she did not shed tears, even as her heart surrendered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN ANOTHER TIME ANOTHER LIFE
> 
> God the echoes please stop.


	17. Shackles That Bind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An aftermath of sadness that crushes the soul, and the shuttle.
> 
> *Note: very short self harm part, 3 lines only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, but I just wanted to work out Shepard's feelings and how she would go about her day - like in ME2, after getting code-zoned, you have a choice of pursuing any other romance. In this one, we keep Samara as it.

_“I am a ruined vessel...”_

Shepard knew not how she came back to, but when she did, she was in her cabin. The music was soft, the fish were swimming, her terminal was open and the keys were clicking.

“Who’s there?” she asked, groggy.

The shadow stood up, and from the lights on the aquarium, Miranda’s face came. She looked angry.

“Shepard, before I go all out on you and biotic your ass off - I just want to ask what made you think driving the Normandy shuttle and destroying the shuttle bay was a good idea.”

“I did?” 

At Miranda’s raised eyebrow Shepard remembered instantly and she curled back again on her bed.

“You know, not that I want to say anything remotely Cerberus like, but - just because it took twelve billion credits to build you - doesn’t mean we have enough cash to keep building you back and the ship okay.” Miranda sighed and sat on the chair by the beside.

“Talk to me Shepard.”

“Have you ever fallen in love Miranda?”

Miranda was taken aback, she remembered the few times she would look at the extranet for a few… moments of intimacy, but so far apart from familial feelings for her sister and close friendship with Shepard there wasn’t any to even say.

“I haven’t too. Not like this.” Shepard curled tighter, as if it were possible. 

Miranda didn’t know what to do with this, didn’t know how to make it work. She could call Kelly, Kelly would know what to do, but Kelly sent more reports to the Illusive Man than what she did. Halfway through the whole galaxy saving, Miranda had almost stopped updating the Illusive Man on the usual things, keeping everything business like and only truly reported anything when it mattered.

“Do you think I’m a child Miranda?” Shepard asked, moving her head to look at her friend.

“Sometimes.” Miranda said though she probably realized she shouldn’t have when Shepard looked back down, more dejected that she already was.

“Maybe that’s why we can’t be together. We talked for so much, explored so much, but I can remember the things we have missed. We haven't discussed the thirty hour hand holding when I was down, or when I overheard her and Mordin before the Korlus mission. There's just...” 

The voice hung in the air, and even though Miranda didn’t know love like it- she could feel the hurt, it was hung in the air, heavy, it thrummed in Shepard loudly, to her it felt like Shepard was screaming but there was no voice or movement.

“You know Shepard,” she started moving to sit on the bed “we’ve been travelling for what? A few months? Feels like it’s been so long right? Even I thought so.” She laughed, letting her hands rest backwards to support her as she looked up at the ceiling, appreciating the little glow in the dark stars that seemed to shine, a silly comparison to the real thing, but just the same wonder to a child’s mind. It’s how many of them started she believed. “But then, you see, sometimes, we’ve been so used to something it’s hard to let go.”

Miranda watched if the redhead was listening, and although there was no obvious movement, Shepard's eyes were open, listening, waiting.

“I’ve been under my father for so long I didn’t think I could escape, until I did. I became loyal to Cerberus for so long - until, well, let’s just say I’m thinking of greener pastures. To think we’re humans, technically it’s only been years. But you know, it’s the same thing, to her -”

Her. Samara. Just knowing makes Shepard’s heart break, and she moved her hand to squeeze her head, as if letting the painful memories flood out of her orifices. 

Miranda watched, until she realized that Shepard was hurting herself and she had to step in.

“Shepard please, you are not a child.” she chided.

“I know, but I was, wasn’t I? Costing us a few thousand… maybe a million credits? I am a child… compared to her. Six? Seven hundred years, I can’t even imagine. I’ve been so… cruel, so rude to have tried to destroy her four hundred years of control.”

Miranda had to bite her upper lip with her lower teeth to let her voice get back into control. “I don’t think you should be that hard on yourself. If it happens, it just needs more time, you’ve competed fairly well against that four hundred years Shepard, and in just a few months. It’s obvious enough you know, she cares for you, she believes in you, and you’ve opened her up in ways the crew has always found inspiring. You should know that Gardner actually had a little gamble with the other crew members on how close you were- and how in a moment Samara might suddenly join our breakfast within the next week, or in two weeks -don’t worry, I put a stop to it when I learned about it.”

“Who won?” Shepard asked, her voice small, though with mirth.

Miranda shook her head, that was something she didn’t expect.

“Garrus did, but by that time he did admit to cheating because he had been in on it - Donelly was so angry at that - but anyone worth their research knows that you and Garrus are close. But whatever Garrus won though he used to treat them - so that ended up well enough.”

Shepard smiled, a true one at that.

“She said, another time, another life.”

“Then there you have it, I know it’s silly to look or hear at it from a human point of view, but it’s obvious, she liked you - correction, likes you, but you have to understand- it’s not easy to throw away four hundred years of discipline. Think of it as being both under one command. But if it the rules weren't there - believe me," Miranda put her hand on top of the redhead's own. A small comfort- even for the prodigy as she herself was unused to such touches. "When The Illusive Man wanted her I researched everything I could about justicars, they’re all the same, even the ones in hidden camera videos. But Samara was more than that, and you were the reason for it, and that’s how we feel too. We’re with you Shepard, whatever happens.”

“You’re right.” Shepard said as she moved to sit up.

“Of course I’m right, I’m genetically perfect.”

“That you are.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shepard fixed herself up and went straight to the engineering area, watching with comedic shame at how the crew was starting to fix up what happened. 

Reality was; Miranda and EDI were able to come up with a cover up story, but everyone from the engineering knew what happened. After all, Tali was the one to have seen her, then Ken and Gabby were looking from the safety of their window, Zaeed did as well until Tali connected to his comm and said it was the commander, now unconscious. It took Jack’s biotic and Grunts strength to get the heavy machinery out of the way so they could pull Shepard out.

Honestly it was probably for the best, thought it wasn’t really fully contained because Chakwas had to be called in, and just as it so happened it was reported to the medbay, Garrus was inside - he didn’t need to hear it though, because Tali had already been talking to him when she was being pulled out.

And of course, Joker knew - because EDI said so -

“And I kinda almost - told everyone accidentally. Miranda put a shutdown on all my comm channels that time. Kinda crazy how she has the whole ship under surveillance huh?” Shepard shook her head down at Joker’s crazy smile. 

“Keep on driving Joker, we’ve got a ship to reach.”

And just like that, they were back to going missions.

Shepard thought about what Miranda had said, and how childish she was on so many occasions. Though she doubted anything she would do even at the age of 150 wouldn’t be childish to the species of the asari. Still, she took it to heart and decided that this was the time to make herself better.

So that’s what she did, she pushed the romance of life aside, she communicated with Samara in a civilized- almost friendly manner without having to crowd her. She maintained her sanity by being more dedicated to her work - especially since now they also had an active Geth AI on board. Which was great, because Legion’s interesting insight and knowledge definitely sated somewhat the crave she had for new things.

Time passed, normalcy returned, as normal as it could be at least until she entered closed doors and slumped. They did their missions, she had Samara with her, she made good on her own words and made most of the members of the team join her even in the simplest missions, she got to be a part of other’s lives, just like Thane with Kolyat and even Legion with a part of the heretic geth.

It all seemed so normal again. Even if there was still a part of her that ached ever time. But as long as she focused on the pragmatism of it all, that this was what it was - her duty, decorated by love and affection from others that stemmed from many different reasons.  
  
She just had to keep telling herself that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a bit more informal and fun - it's there to work out the last few points of ME2 I missed so we can go straight to the Suicide Mission.
> 
> (that isn't a spoiler anymore, right?)
> 
> Also, I found it a bit hard to decide on who could be Shepard's friend here, and I went ahead with Miranda, when loyalty is done well - and even if you don't fully do it- she starts to become disillusioned as well with regards to Cerberus (obvious at the collector base thing), and when Shepard goes and gets clapped by the Batarian drink poison thing, Miranda has one of the most obvious voice / face concern thing so yeah. That.
> 
> Honestly, I never thought how good Miranda was til late. I regret breaking her heart during my Sheploo run.


	18. Shackles Set Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very fun look at how Shepard is (somehow) free and how everyone loves her (loyalty) as she is to them.
> 
> And a quick sad look after the part where Joker is under player control

_“But I am free..”_

“Please don’t destroy this one.” Miranda said as Shepard rode at the driver's seat of the shuttle. The team was set off to a planet The Illusive Man said was important. The information was all hush hush, but it was mostly because it was said to be an abandoned Cerberus stronghold - and the data needed to be wiped out was for the sake of humanity as a whole lest it falls into unfriendly alien hands. There was little information about it - but the crux of the matter is that there were many terminals, each situated far away from each other and each terminal had to be wiped out at the same time.

“Are we really sure we want Shepard driving?” Tali asked as she strapped herself tight. Followed by Garrus who also strapped himself tighter than normal. “Tali’s right, I know how Shepard drives, we might die before we even hit the LZ.”

Shepard laughed “This isn’t the Mako, guys, it will hold.”

Jacob, slightly affected by the unease of his team members also voiced his concern. “Miranda, you sure we can’t have the pilot back here?”

“Even if we could Jacob, we can't we're already pressed for time as it is, and all we need is another drunk driving and we might not even make it planetside.”

“Uh guys?” Kasumi asked curious, “Was the Mako the one that Shepard has been driving back then? Cause- uh I’ve seen the vids and -”

Kasumi quickly opened her hologram and made the screen bigger, within seconds, tens of hundreds of montages of what can be considered vehicle slaughter emerged as no doubt the original Normandy’s mako went tumbling over mountains, slamming geths, getting stuck between rock foundations, getting turned over and much more.

“Keelah…” Tali breathed, trying to hold the sickening feeling she was experiencing. "Remembering it was bad enough, seeing it ---"

“Ah! I finally got - it - HOLD ON PEOPLE!” Shepard's voice rang through the shuttle, alarming everyone on board.

“Ah fuck-” that was the last thing the people truly understood as Jack started screaming.

Shepard pushed the pedal and went ahead to go straight down, laughing in her usual childish manner at how the group reacted behind her. 

“By the goddess, preserve me -” Samara could be heard as she closed her eyes in prayer, the group tried to watch as she glowed, her biotics somehow shielding the gravity around her. It glowed brighter as it tried to encompass a few members that were beside her including Mordin and the quarian Tali. 

“Ah biotic field. Mass generating. Zero gravity. Able to hold the force. Good good. Feels quite safe. Thank you Samara.”

“Why can’t I fit in there Samara!” Garrus added, the whimper evident though unfamiliar in his sub vocal tone.

Miranda quickly followed suit although she only had enough concentration to hold herself aloft. Jack on the other hand kept shouting, as she had little concentration and was not used to the statis technique of biotics.

Grunt was shouting, evidently enjoying the rough and tumble, at least for a few seconds before he realized the never ending ups and downs and left and right. “I don’t feel so good…”

“Don’t you goddamn puke on me you little shit!” Zaeed replied, trying to tug away from beside the krogan but ending up bumping his head over the shoulder lock.

“South-southwest, 30 degrees, 31 degrees, 38 degrees, left, turn, North, northwest, 69 degrees, turn, 90 degrees, 18 degrees, south south -”

“Legion please. Maybe say our fate, quieter.” Jacob tried to say as he held on to dear life.

Legion’s face plates moved, and it spoke in quiet tones. 

“Thane, Thane are you alright?” Kasumi asked with an uncharacteristic shout when she noticed that the drell was moving along like a ragdoll.

“He probably fainted. He’ll be fine.” Zaeed grunted.

“He’s sick! I don’t think he’ll be just fine!” Jack shouted again. “SHEPARD IM GOING TO KILL YO---WHOAAAA.”

When they finally arrived on the landing ground, Samara, Mordin, Miranda and Tali were holding themselves up high. Tali practically bowing her head towards the asari who had just saved her sanity.

Mordin stepped up to assist everyone else who had found themselves feeling sick, Jacob, Kasumi, Grunt, Garrus and Jack. Especially Jack, which he sneaked a little bit of calming drought in hers.

When Thane stepped out of the shuttle with Zaeed, the man slapped the drell on the shoulder. “Good to have you back assassin! You made it.”

“I had been in quiet prayer. Hoping for release.” Thane said, deadpan in his delivery. 

“Thane, here medicine.” Mordin stepped up to give the drell some calming meds. He turned to the merc “Stable, eyesight fine. No spike in blood. You survived?” Mordin asked, surprised at how Zaeed seemed to be doing okay.

“Honestly? I drive just as bad.” Zaeed said with a shrug.

When Shepard came out of the shuttle she was faced with faces that ranged from annoyed, aghast, and slightly amused. 

“You are not driving back up.” Miranda said, cross. “Even if it only takes two clicks to get us back. You are staying at the back of the shuttle.”

“Hear hear cheerleader.’ Jack agreed, a snarl in her face before turning away and taking in a very deep breath.

“At least she didn’t destroy anything.” Thane said, feeling better already.

Garrus stepped up, looking at Shepard up and down before looking away, seemingly wanting to vomit. “I said I’d never leave your side Shepard, and I still mean that - but that doesn’t mean I’d live through it.” 

Shepard laughed at that, which made Garrus close his eyes in slight conflict before chuckling with her.

“Alright team, let’s get on with this. Everyone ready?” Shepard asked looking around - Legion was still standing, rooted on his spot. “Legion you okay?”

“Hard drive in repair. Software blocks missing. Downloading. Downloading. Reaching consensus. Yes Shepard Commander, this platform is snow stable.” 

“Even a synthetic can’t take your driving.” Tali scoffed.

“Alrightie-” Shepard continued, giving a smirk towards the miffed quarian. “Kasumi, Jacob and Mordin, you’re team bravo on the north west base - Miranda, Jack and Zaeed on team charlie south west - Garrus, Tali, Grunt, team delta, north east and for team alpha, Samara, Legion and I will be at the south east.” Shepard looked around the group before surveying the surroundings. “It doesn’t look that far, but we don’t know what's ahead - I can drive us all to --”

A chorus of people voicing; ‘Nope, Thank you Commander (Shepard), See ya’ was heard as the group dispersed on their own teams.

As Shepard removed her shotgun from her side and had Legion ready his rifle, Samara came beside her to speak. “I am glad you had your fun. I doubt you will have that chance again.” the smile on her lips was friendly, engaging, an act of normalcy that could have been more.

Shepard beamed a smile back at her, cheshire in it’s look. “I’m glad some of my ways didn’t rub off as bad on you.” The commander noted that Samara was one of those who had the more amused look in her eyes when she emerged from the shuttle. Though of course her biotics probably played a part of that. Idly, she wondered what the justicar’s reaction could have been if she weren’t able to shield herself. 

“I’m sure I can find some more ways though, I'm good like that.” Shepard cocked her gun and winked at the justicar, deciding not to look back unless she wanted her heart to be shattered.

Deep inside Shepard’s blood raced, even though she would say it was due to her continuing to charge biotically at enemies. Crux of the matter is, it wasn’t easy - wasn’t easy to pretend nothing had happened and she didn’t feel anything. But this was fine, it wasn’t the same as before, and maybe it could never be - but for now - this would be okay, she would be content with it, and be willing to wait - however long it takes.

And however long she could.

When the team had boarded back at the shuttle, it was Jacob who was driving, good, sweet natured- grounded Jacob. The ascent was smooth - not fast, but smooth. The trip was uneventful, something Shepard had commented before she was easily shut down by the Tali’s pleas and Jack’s threats. 

In the end, all of them ended up laughing - at least, until they entered the Normandy and found the shuttle bay fucked up almost beyond recognition.

“Shepard… did you maybe teleport here and trashed the place again?” Jack asked as she stepped out. 

“Something’s wrong.” Shepard said, moving out shuttle quickly.

“EDI -?” she asked.

A moment passed, and EDI came online. “Shepard, I transmitted a message to the shuttle regarding the state of the Normandy.”

“We received it EDI, but the shuttle’s speakers got smashed by a reckless driver, timestamp says it was only sent a few minutes ago.” Miranda moved onwards, taking the scene of the vicinity before moving ahead to the elevator. 

“Hey Commander -” Joker’s voice came in through the comms. “I’ll be at the comm room, -”

Joker sounded dejected, much more than usual - and there weren’t any scathing remarks unlike the usual. Shepard’s eyes narrowed “So who’s flying the ship Joker?” 

“I am Commander.” came EDI’s voice.

With that, the group all headed up the elevator. Miranda, visibly seething through her perfect visage.

“Everyone?!” Miranda exclaimed, almost losing her very perfect hair placement in the process “You lost everyone and damn near the ship too?”

“I know alright! I was here!” Joker was sitting on the table, his head in his hands as his voice took on a tone that Shepard rarely heard.

“It’s not his fault Miranda.” Jacob said, “None of us caught it, even if we did, the transmission was still too late.”

EDI’s hologram hovered near Joker, and once again the AI spoke “Mr. Taylor is correct, the virus in the collector drive was even more sophisticated than the ‘black box’ Reaper virus I was given.”

“Alright, alright - we get it-” Shepard closed her eyes, the weight of the command heavy on her as she felt sick and angry at the same time. Her team, her crew, the bond she had shared with them - almost as good - equal to the her own squad... “Is the ship clean now? Any risk of it happening again?

Joker shook his head, “EDI and I purged the system, the Reaper IFF is online and we can go through the Omega relay anytime.”

Miranda scoffed, a sound that Shepard had almost forgotten given how it had been a while since Miranda turned so antagonistic. “Don’t even get me started on unshackling a damned AI.”

“Yeah? And what would brittle bones guy do to an army of collectors? Break my arm at them? EDI cleared the ship. She’s all right.” Joker defended the decision, something Shepard was at first unsure about, but then again EDI had always been quite pleasant and there had never been any cause to suspect. Hell, even Legion quickly became her favorite.

“I assure you Ms Lawson I am bound by my programming, you are my crew mates.” EDI stated.

Shepard moved in front of Miranda and the AI, “It’s alright Miranda, stand down. If EDI wanted us gone, she could have done so, many times.”

Joker gave his commander a weak thanks as he hobbled down the table. “Alright then, we’re ready as we can to get to the Omega four relay, come on everyone - back to your stations. Joker, EDI, you know what to do.”

As Shepard watched the team disperse, she grabbed her head and shouted. Letting EDI pop up back again. “Commander.” She started “Are you alright?”

“No, EDI I’m -- wait, when did you start… caring?” Shepard wondered, her anger at the situation turning into curiosity.

“I do not understand the concept of ‘caring’ as how organics call it. But I am part of the Normandy as much as you are part of it and how other members are as well. I take the data as how I would react to let us say, a missing software - incomplete.” Shepard stared at the little orb in front of her, thinking how different she was to Legion, but seemingly the same. From the questions she gave, to the questions she received. It should have been unnerving, and yet it wasn’t.

“I don’t fully understand it EDI, but thank you for the insight.”

“You are welcome Commander, and I would like to report your squad mates are requesting for your time.”

“Who?”

“All of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read this chapter from In Vino Veritas
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/24255457/chapters/61840135
> 
> It tackles the "romance" scene that should have happened here - before the Omega 4 relay - I just realized very late that I forgot about it. 
> 
> Though that whole fic / scene acts as a one shot with regards to this story.


	19. Into The Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter made for the sake of the title, though not in the way the author had initially planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT:  
> It actually went better than expected :) Added more fluff

_“I will fight and struggle all my life---When I die, it will not be in bed.”_

The orange glow of the omega four relay was captivating, moreso now it was just in front of them nearing it felt like being pulled into a deep unknown, Joker continued on the precise flight needed, Shepard had never seen more calculated, the urgency of saving their crew was on hand. She moved her head to look at the XO, the one tasked to build her back to life, the one she now called a friend, Miranda, who was seated at the co-pilot's seat.

They all had their roles now, given that there was such a deficiency in the crews.

Joker opened the comms, his voice in the ship seemingly echoing in the surrounding bridge. “We’re approaching the Omega Four relay, everyone stand by.” 

“Reaper IFF activated, signal acknowledged.” EDI was cut off as a pulse emitted from the drive core, even Jacob didn’t have to tell them what happened.

“Brace for deceleration.” EDI’s voice gave them enough time to hold as they shot through the Mass Relay and found themselves smack dab in the galactic core. 

“Ah shit!”

Shepard watched how Joker maneuvered around gigantic bits and pieces of destroyed ships- the debris, many of all those that had been ripped apart from the relay and attack was now hopelessly dangling from space. Shepard winced, the thought of alien bodies getting torn apart in space, their bodies dust in the solar wind. Most of the ships even looked ancient, as if other species of the world, earlier space faring races were there first.

“Damn, we made it. Whew.” Joker relaxed in his seat, Shepard made to move forward to stop him. 

“We’re not done yet here, keep your guard up.” 

“Of course commander, but damn you see these ships? They look old.” Joker said, pointing with his eyes as his hands kept steady on the controls.

“Even I have not seen these ships before, even with the studies I have had.” Samara’s voice floated behind her, and Shepard’s frown lightened as the asari came closer, standing beside her as they both viewed the ruins of old. 

Shepard could see Miranda slyly taking a look at them, worried maybe for their well-being. For her state of mind, for the fact that they were going on this mission they had been set out to do and could be undone any time by her lack of concentration.

“So around maybe four hundred or years ago only then?” Shepard said, turning her head to meet with the asari, her tone light, her demeanor, open, the conversation she made trying to make light of the situation as always. Letting Miranda know it was alright, that she was alright and will be.

Samara moved to bow her head down, in greeting, a pose of welcome, of thanks, that she was not spurned away. The gorgeous grey eyes looked to the side and then above, and Shepard watched the orange in the sky reflect from the grey hues. 

“Perhaps. Maybe a little over three hundred and fifty.” The justicar said, a small smile tugging at the end of her lips.

The joke was lost to Joker - who almost had a smartass remark until EDI reported enemies tailing at them. 

There was not enough time to appreciate the comment, just like how little time they had for each other in the grand scheme of things. But Shepard smiled back at that, treasuring the moment and keeping it in her heart.

The laser shot at them, as Joker moved the Normandy through evasive maneuvers. The lasers hit them.

“Miranda?” Shepard asked, looking for status reports.

“New platings are holding Commander. Defense is still online.”

The ship shook, having everyone hold for their safety, even the practiced gravity in the ship shook as Shepard clung to Joker’s chair while Samara - clung on the back of Miranda’s, it was amazing how the justicar could never look like there was an issue in the world. Even her stumbling was on point, her movement finessed. How could Shepard or anyone not find it attractive? Not find it enticing.

Once again, Joker’s voice came, this time - with more conviction. They were close. “Come on EDI- let’s get these bastards.”

The gunfight and evading continued, that was until Miranda popped up a hologram of the ship. “Shepard, there’s a hull breach in the engineering deck.” 

“Alright, I'm going in - engineering team except Jacob and Tali, with me -” Shepard jogged out of the bridge, leaving the three in the cockpit. Samara turned to move - but was brought to attention by Miranda trying to pull her away. 

“Samara- you know how to reroute the power for the fuel drive from non-important parts of the ship, correct?” Miranda knew the asari did, and she was doing this for the sake of Shepard, the commander didn’t ask for the asari’s help - and there was reason for that. If that meant Samara would live longer and be safe, then Miranda would help in any way.

The justicar quickly nodded her affirmative, if she felt as if she were irritated at her for the command, it did not show. As the asari stayed behind the chair, making sure that the re-routing was done. Miranda was glad she had the power of being second in command.

When the scans in the cargo hold seemed to be going back to normal, Miranda contacted the engineering team “Holding okay there Shepard?”

“Yeah, holding in the hold - I”m coming back up.” That made their pilot snort.

Once Shepard came back up, the trio were still there - and another set of attacks quickly came -this time the ship held its strength, being able to destroy a few collector ships before crashing in one of the collector base docks, which was lucky as it is.

What was unlucky was now they were all on the floor and EDI’s status reports weren't sounding very positive. “We have ship wide system failures. Multiple core systems overloaded during the crash, it will take time to repair the ship.”

Miranda shook her head, dejection in her voice. “I knew this was going to be a one way trip.” For the first time in Shepard’s life, Miranda truly sounded scared. They have been through a lot, as an individual or as a team, there was so much more at stake now. They all knew this was going to happen, but of course being in the middle of it is as daunting as any.

“We all knew that Miranda -” Shepard spared a look at the justicar, as she placed a hand down to help the asari up. “But you now have something to live for- all of us. Hell… I have someone to live for -” Even though she knew she was talking essentially to Miranda, Shepard never let her stare waver as she watched the justicar hold her hand to stand up. She meant what she said, there was someone she was going to live for, and she was staring right at her. 

Green eyes steeled, once again stared at the reflective gray ones, Shepard swore she saw the galaxies in them. “I decide my fate.” 

With that, Shepard took her hand away from the justicar, a fight in her voice as she turned to the prodigy, “Miranda - get the team in the comm rooms, we’ll have to plan - Joker, EDI, work on repairing the ship.”

In the briefing room, they laid down their best plan, the best plan on their worst mission yet - and Shepard promised the team that this would be the best mission still/ 

“I’ve said my speech, and I know you’re all here because this is what we’ve been ready for, you know all the stakes - but I have something I’d like to share with you. Everyone, turn off your translators - I want you to hear these words from my tongue - you’ll know when to open it again.”

The aliens all raised their omnitools and clicked on off on their translators - the silence spanned for a few seconds before Shepard said the words.

“Carpe diem.”

Another few seconds passed, and the commander raised her hand - the clicking sound of the omnitools engaged everyone's translators again.

“That’s what I said, carpe diem, I don’t know how it’s translated into your tongue or how you’d think of it, it’s from a dead human dialect that means -”

“Seize the day.” both human and alien heads whipped at the voice.

“You understood that Samara?” Kasumi asked, surprised.

“I am an asari, an old one - I have come into it, although just once, in my travels.” She said plainly, trying not to feel affected by what seemed to be pride coming from the commander’s eyes.

“And that’s what we’re doing here, we’re going to do what we can, while here, because we don’t know what the future will hold - not if we don’t prioritize what we’re doing now. So we live today, we live this moment, we live this second, and we do our best. Because if we don’t seize this day, we know we will never be able to seize any day after. Now let’s go kill us some bugs.”

The team trickled out into the collector ship, their assignments tailored to them.

Tali would be in the vents, Miranda will take on the second fire team, and she herself would as always, be with Samara. Her other groupmate was a toss up with a good old fashioned, rock, paper scissors - in which Garrus lost for pretending to be paper with his slightly extended, but not quite, little talon. So that’s how it went, Shepard, Samara and Grunt moving in to guide Tali in the ducts.

Which would have probably been easier if she knew she’d be doing three jobs in one run. One making sure Tali wasn’t going to be a nice steamed quarian, and that Grunt wasn’t going to accidentally fall off platforms as he headbutted, and of course killing the hordes of collectors that swarmed their way.

Once they thankfully - reached the chamber, every single spot of victory turned into one of misery. Shepard and the team were able to locate their crew in the pods - but their moment of joy turned into horror as one of Horizon’s colonists was liquified in front of them. A new sense of fervour raised its head as Shepard and the rest of her team struggled, yet successfully removed her crew from the pods.

The team changed, moved, relayed - each being showing their individual strength as well as the power of them combined in their groups. The multitude of missions that Shepard had given the crew gave them synergy far better than any command could be proud of. Looking at it, there was no part of the galaxy you would see a salarian and krogan partner up, a geth and a quarian providing cover fire, a crazy wild rebel beside a refined haughty cheerleader, a thief, a mercenary, an assassin, a soldier, a spectre that found a more solid friendship with a turian despite the recency of the first contact war - and of course, a justicar - who if looked deeply in her codes might have find some reason to kill all of them. But there they were, dancing in the firefight, comms never getting mangled with shouts and orders and screams. They moved with precision, not because they were taught to but because they knew and believed their strengths, and applied to assist the weakness each other had.

And as Shepard watched the shuttle come into view for extraction, as she saw the members of her team holding out their hands for her to take, Shepard knew the physical plunge she took to jump from the abyss was nothing. She had jumped more, much more, and she would jump higher, farther, because these people, though not under the banner of the Alliance she was - flew under the banner she made all on her own. 

  
  
  


Back in the Normandy, after the jump back into the safety of the Sahrabarik system, there was a deafening quiet. At the cockpit, Shepard stared at the now calm sky, littered by the beauty of the stars. “I never thought I’d miss this view already.” She choked out, just only believing their luck that they survived.

Her voice was enough for Miranda and Joker to also get out of their daze. 

“We did it.” Joker whispered, unbelieving.

MIranda quickly got out of the seat and hugged her, hugged her - full and happy and heck tears really did come out of those genetically perfect eyes. "We did it, Shepard!"

Shepard smiled as she wrapped her arms around her XO. “We did Miranda, we did.”

The walk back to the CIC was as much of a celebration, it was better than any reception she ever had. Heck, she didn’t even get this much appreciation when she became a spectre. She walked, from the bridge, to the deck - everywhere she turned the crew gave their applause, they huddled, they cried, they thanked her - and she thanked every one of them, she cried with them. Even Ken and Gabby jumped out of the elevators and on to her, joining in the victory. Her yeoman, Kelly gave her a kiss on the cheek, expressing her thanks at being saved, and told her the squad was all waiting for her down at the mess hall.

When the elevator opened on the third deck, the whole area was quiet, a part of her thought it was curious and she was apprehensive even, given that if the squad were just behind the elevator, it would have been marred with laughter, and the laughter did come - just as she emerged from the corner.

What seemed like confetti was thrown in the air - of course it wasn’t confetti, it was more like little tech grenades being combusted into little bits of fine wisps as biotics imploded them. 

“Guys--” Shepard was about to say until she was stalled and brought into a very big, messy hug. Tali was the first to her side, hugging her like a quarian trying to seal a cut in their suit. Instantly Jack was on her, even before Tali had even started speaking - next came Grunt, literally knocking them all off their feet, when they crashed down, Shepard felt another weight add though didn’t see where it came from until Kasumi shimmered into view. The laugh they gave was one of craziness.

“Alright you ladies, get off the commander - there’s a lot more people to get the hugging to.” It was Zaeed who spoke, pulling Grunt and Jack away with a little more than a friendly force. Kasumi shimmered back out - but got off as the weight above her lessened. While Tali - though hesitant, kept by Shepard’s side - it was Garrus who came in and offered his talons for both ladies to grab on to help them up.

Obviously, as Shepard does what Shepard does, she pulled the turian down with a big pull, letting him drop on her as the original trio shared a hug - it didn’t last long as again Grunt, Jack and Kasumi came back into the fray - surprising a Miranda that had just come out of the elevator to join the party. 

It was Jack who threw the surprisingly friendly invitation. “Get in here cheerleader, or we’re not saving any Shepard for you.”

Miranda found herself being pulled by Zaeed “Eh, if you’re going in, I”m going in.” The merc once again shoved a few people out of the way so Miranda could squeeze in tight. From a few feet away she could hear Jacob chuckle, “Well if Miranda’s going in, I’m going in - step away ladies!” 

Unsurprisingly, Kasumi shimmered back out again to shimmer in as she now hugged Jacob as well - bringing another chuckle from the redhead commander. 

“Oh sure, you’re all hugging, great job - by the time I get there you’re all done or whatever.” Came Joker’s voice on the comm. “I can see you in the surveillance. Not like I didn’t drive us in and out of hell and all.”

Shepard laughed as she raised her voice. “Don’t worry Joker, I’ll bring the hug to you later,”

"I can remove the oxygen in the cockpit Jeff, it will stimulate an organic hug of 'squeezing so tight you cannot breathe'." EDI's voice literally chilled the whole crew, at least until she spoke again. "That is a joke."

Shepard didn’t know which hand was which or where, but she couldn’t help it. The tears came back, both of laughter and relief. "I'll hug the ship too EDI!"

It was Chakwas who had the hug party disengage, “Now everyone - stop crowding the commander, we don’t want her dying of tears and lack of oxygen.” The group shuffled away, some remaining a close distance, others moving towards the side or to the seats around the mess hall. 

Shepard walked towards the doctor, bringing a hand in front of her “Doctor, we live once again - come here-” Shepard pulled the doctor to her. 

“Good time for that Serrice Ice later, Shepard?”

“Definitely.” Shepard gave another hug towards the doctor before looking at the rest of her crew, Thane, Legion, Samara and Mordin where on one side, they obviously didn’t seem the type to engage in such a behavior. 

“Ah, I see, you four want me all to yourselves, don’t worry. There’s a lot of Shepard for everybody!” She opened her arms wide as she walked straight to Mordin, giving the seemingly frail salarian a giant, bone crushing hug. 

“I love you so much Mordin, I’m so glad I met you.” Shepard said. Her tears, not fully dry. “You don’t know how amazing it is to have met you, I never really discussed that much with doctors - no offense Karin, you know you’re an exception-” Shepard tossed her head at the med bay doctor and winked before turning back to Mordin “But you definitely just, blew me away and...I love salarians now…. Though maybe not the salarian councilor, depends.” She gave a shrug before finally releasing Mordin.

Mordin smiled, his lips definitely reaching his eyes as he spoke. “Affection returned Shepard. Admire Kirrahe, as said. Respect the man. High in my standards. You now rank higher, mostly because of the embrace.” That got then both chuckling. “You are better looking as well,” Mordin bent down, whispering in her ear “If intended to try human, would try you.” When Mordin straightened, the salarian continued on smiling, a chuckle escaping him as he tried to contain himself, finding it amazing that he had made the commander blush. 

And blush did Shepard do as her smile turned wider. “Oh Mordin, if only I knew earlier~” she said with a dramatic sway, and just like that, she placed a peck on the salarian’s cheek.

“Why don’t we get that?” Jack asked as Grunt followed through with his own harrumph of agreement. 

Shepard turned to the team. “You had your turn, you decided on a more team effort.”

The group laughed, now getting on a more relaxed position as Mess Sergeant Gardner and a few others appeared with trays of food and bottles of not - so - approved liquor. Shepard noticed but let Miranda deal with it.

She then moved up to Thane. “Thane - I know you said you wanted this mission to be I don’t know, the last but…” Thane’s eyes looked down at her, full black eyes that she could have gotten lost in. Thane shook his head as he interrupted her “No, my friend. I thank you. After Kolyat, I learned I had more to live for, and even though early on I thought going on this mission to end up dying would be enough - I shall work my way into his good - no his better graces. I may not be the father he needed, but I will strive to work with what time I have left. Thank you Shepard for giving me that chance.”

Shepard didn’t expect it but the tears came back to her eyes, she hugged the drell as well - and found herself pleasantly surprised as he also hugged back. 

It was the movement of metal lightly thumping on the floor that had Shepard pull out of the drell’s embrace.

She looked up to see Legion, his optics turning, adjusting, as his face plates moved. “Shepard Commander” he greeted and on his right hand, a glass of water.

“Is this for me?” Shepard asked, confused but a smile tugging at her lips.

“Affirmative. EDI has suggested your water count is below sufficient. Humans females have around 56.8331% of water. We believe it is due to your overuse of your tear ducts.”

That brought a snort from the table, it was Garrus who couldn’t hold in the reaction and Shepard watched as drops of water fell from the turian’s nose. The turian coughed as he tried to find his bearings. “Hear that Shepard? Stay hydrated!” 

Shepard turned her attention back to the geth who still kept his position. She took the water from Legion, raising the glass in thanks for EDI before drinking and setting it down on the counter. “Legion.” she spoke, which in turn made the geth’s optics move again.

There was something about Legion that she loved, like a child understanding things - but with the ability to kill. Slowly, Shepard moved into the synthetics’ personal space - does the geth even know personal space?

Angling her body, she went ahead and gave the synthetic a hug, resting her head on the shoulder where her old N7 plate was patched. Legion had never really answered why, for all it's consensus and who it really is, Shepard didn’t mind. She was organic enough for them both, and to her, whatever it meant, at least it meant something.

“Keelah…” It was Tali’s turn to react as Shepard saw the quarian looking at them. “I would never look at a geth in any way again.”

“Ha, what about one of those damn primes.” Zaeed barked.

“Well you’re right. Maybe just Legion then.” Tali shrugged as she brought the emergency induction port to her face. 

When Shepard let go of the machine, it seemed that Legion’s optics and facial plates kept moving. 

“Shepard- I hope you didn’t fry our new allies’ system.” Jacob teased which led Miranda to a light scoff. “I don’t think it understands what it means Jacob.” 

“Are you alright Legion?” Shepard asked as she stepped away, though found it impossible when one of Legion’s hands enveloped her wrists.

“This platform is feeling the effects of a warm temperature.” 

That came across as a surprise to many of the Normandy’s inhabitants, but it was quickly dissuaded when Miranda once again took the time to talk. “Shepards a warm organic, everyone. You’d know that.” 

That seemed to be enough of a reason for others, though the thought of it would continue to be on Shepard’s mind for months to come.

Finally, just like how it always was, Shepard turned to the asari that was now on one side of the table, sipping her drink quietly as she continued to watch the ongoing celebration.

From her peripheral vision, she could also feel the pressure as she knew members of her squad were looking, most especially Jack and Garrus. Though Garrus she knew was safe, Jack was very much subdued by Miranda- they all knew of Jack’s lack of patience, and the outburst from the convict wasn’t going to be the smoothest entrance when she finally reaches the asari’s space.

“Hey Samara.” Shepard said, finally closing the space between them. Her tone, similar as always to the one she gave from before.

“It feels like words are not needed to be spoken.” Samara turned towards her, Shepard knew her face fell with a mix of hope, then apprehension - 

“I… I should go then.” Shepard moved to walk away - feeling that maybe to the asari that was it, that it does make sense to end it at that.

Jack was already out of her chair - just stopped enough as Miranda and Zaeed violently pushed her back down.

Shepard felt a light tough on her arm, the touch covering more skin as she could feel the asari’s familiar hand, the blue fingers entangling through her own.

“Words are not needed to be spoken Shepard, as words cannot describe what it is.” 

Shepard turned back, and she could feel everyone’s eyes now turn to watch them. Whatever there was with her and Samara is both the Normandy’s best and worst kept secret.

Or at least, what she felt for Samara anyways given the hoots and grunts that followed when the justicar tugged on her hand and gave her a short but heartfelt embrace, Shepard melted, her tears were truly dry now, and the warmth was enough.

This was enough.

They were okay, and that is what mattered.

Samara moved away from the embrace first, and this time Shepard did not push for more. “Thank you Shepard, for more than you can know. For today, let us celebrate our victory, your victory.”

Shepard smiled, one that she was sure to be the most heartbreaking yet heartfelt smile she would ever make. There was no promise of tomorrow, no idea what the future will hold for them, but Shepard knew, in just how much she cares for the group - so does she for the asari. 

Samara will always have a place in her heart, bigger than most. But today she will stand tall with her peers, and she will join in their cries and songs of heroics and hope.

Today she shall bask in their joy.

Tomorrow, she will face the expanse of space one day more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at that, I was able to finish that! And it really ended up better than expected! Re-reading it, it seems like a good end, but I'm just getting started (I hope XD) 
> 
> I'm really glad for the ending one. A small celebration would have been really cute.
> 
> I struggled really hard in the collector base, because I didn't know how to write it and I didn't know how to end the story. So this is just great.
> 
> We will have one more chapter maybe, and then one epilogue.
> 
> That was such a vanguard story XD


	20. A Journey Once More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so an epic journey comes to a close, for a certain spectre, it's only just until a new assignment throws her in the battlefield once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long end notes with my rambling on how to do book 2. 
> 
> The next chapter is a short wrap up/ continuation / epilogue.

_“I have chosen this path, I truly am at peace.”_

Shepard watched the stars as the Normandy crossed the sky. 

When she was young, she never dreamed of being a part of this world. To journey into the unknown. Heck what she wanted was to be a performer. But of course life pushes us in different directions, and we sometimes take a path we never really expected to take - and when we’re there. We’re there. Looking at it now, she still found herself grateful regardless.

Humans. People. Being. All would stand at the edge and all that is left to do is jump, or be forgotten.

So that is what she did. She jumped, and through hoops and hardships, she found herself there- in battle, in war, in death, and in revival. She stood and watched the stars that pass. Knowing that every moment she spent was a new time, and every path she took was a new life.

“EDI.” 

“Yes Commander?”

“Keep this observatory closed, no one goes in unless it’s an emergency, they come through me first. The only time you’re allowed to do so without my command is when we’re being hijacked. Which, let’s not have it come to that.”

“Duly noted Shepard.”

Shepard looked back from where she stood, the crew picking up the final pieces of books and paraphernalia in the observatory deck. She watched the crew leave, and for a few seconds, Shepard moved her hand through the chairs, remembering the memories that were once an everyday occurrence.

With one final look at the window where their hearts were laid bare, Shepard let the final whoosh of the observatory close.

“Shepard -” Miranda said, interrupting her thoughts “The starboard deck is cleared as well, since -” 

Shepard raised her hand to interrupt the XO, “Yeah, okay, let’s go get a drink?” she asked absentmindedly. 

The Captain and XO of the Normandy stepped into the room across, and sat on the bar where drinks were available for perusal. 

“So who else left?” Shepard asked, nursing her drink before downing it in one go. 

Miranda knew that the departure of the team was normal, but she understood that Shepard had literally been on a life and death mission with this group - and from the initial reactions of most of Shepards former crew members, the possibility of connecting with them again after a while might take a turn for the worse. 

“Well, right now it’s Mordin, Grunt, Zaeed, Jack and Kasumi.” She swirled the drink she had in her glass, not yet willing to drink it.

“That’s good. Mordin needs to get busy or he’ll get stir-crazy, Grunt needs to find his way with the krogans so he grows properly, he can’t learn that here. I’m sure we’ll see Kasumi sometime, Zaeed and Jack? Well I guess they’ll either be very good together or blow each other up together with whichever planet they’re on.” Shepard looked at her drink, thinking how much she should take again, but decided against it. Deciding instead to properly nurse one glass before sliding the rest of the bottle towards Miranda. “Here, take this off my hands, we have things to do and it’s best not I get fucked up in Illium again.” 

A quiet moment landed between them, Miranda knew that there were more members who would be getting off at Illium, and she idly wondered if Shepard knew of this- or if she should breach the topic now. 

“If you have anything to tell me Miranda, you better do it soon. This won’t help anyways.”

It was Miranda’s turn to take a sip, as if testing the taste as well as testing the waters of their conversation. “There’s some who would like to get off at Illium, mostly some of the crew. After what happened, they wanted to steer clear of Cerberus, I don’t blame them - Illium is the safest terminal to go and branch out.”

“Sure, that’s logical.” Though the worry in her brow and the coldness of her demeanor said otherwise. “Alright then, who’s staying?”

“I will, for now, the same with Jacob, - your former Alliance team will; though I’m guessing they’re just waiting for Alliance personnel to board the ship. Garrus, Tali, Legion, Mordin and Thane will stay, though Thane expressed he’d like to drop off at the Citadel if we can.” Honestly Shepard, none of us should be staying, with what’s happened, I don’t doubt we have a little less than a month to decide. I honestly… I honestly don’t want to go back to Cerberus but I can’t risk being under Alliance.” 

“I know. That’s why we’re here on Illium, we’ll ask for help.”

“Help?”

“Yeah, Liara mentioned something about the Shadow Broker, remember that thing I asked for you to handle?”

Miranda stared at her half empty glass. Remembering the research that was given to her as added work in between missions. At first she thought it was something Shepard wanted done just for the sake of her becoming more work consumed, but then now, she realizes it all had a reason.

“I received a message from Liara a few weeks back, thing is, she knows i'm back here now and she messaged me yesterday, wanted to come clean with something. You’re invited too - though it was sent not as an invite but as me needing to find a way to drag you there” Shepard once again drunk the whole glass as she moved her green eyes to look at Miranda’s blue ones. “I don’t think you’ll answer my question and spill some of the beans yeah? Figures… but hey I don’t think I’ll need to drag you back to Liara’s office right?”

“Of course not. I’ll be there.” 

Shepard stood up as she patted the prodigy on the shoulder. “Good job Miranda, I knew you were better than you thought of yourself.”

When Shepard finally learned about the truth, her already heavy feeling of losing her team added to the weight of learning that it was Liara who had given her to Cerberus. Of course she was thankful, even if it turned out worse because now she didn’t have her old life, Alliance, Kaidan, being a spectre… but then again, Liara had saved her, the young asari, or as much as 106 years old was young went to the edges of whatever galaxy and tried to find her - stopped an unknown dangerous entity just so she wouldn’t be collector chow - how could Shepard have not noticed how much she meant to Liara? 

_"Did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body? I gave it to them. I gave you to them, Shepard. Because they said they could rebuild you. And to do that, I had to take it from the Shadow Broker, who was going to sell your corpse to the collectors. I screwed it up, Shepard. I barely escaped with my own life. And when I gave you to Cerberus, I told myself I was doing it for you, for a chance to bring you back, but I knew Cerberus would use you for their own business. And I let it happen. Because, I couldn't let you go. I'm sorry."_

Miranda had already left, deciding to stay with her sister and catch up. In Liara’s office, Garrus and Tali entered, given that Garrus remembered the little catch up they had planned months back.

“Is this a bad time?” Garrus asked as he watched what seemed to be the end of an uncomfortable conversation.

“No, no it’s not -” Shepard waved a hand, trying to compose herself as she saw the quarian. “Tali, hey Liara, Tali --” she gestured two two old team mates together.

Shepard looked at the asari who seemed to have something in her eyes, a sort of surprise, that turned into shame, before going in to welcome the quarian warmly.

“Tali, by the goddess, I didn’t think you’d be with Shepard too -”

“Well, you know Shepard, likes getting in the down and the dirty - or something humans like to say. She saved me and my team, helped me out on a personal matter, so I definitely owe it to her to have come- even if you know, it kinda meant death. Huh.” Tali turned around to face the spectre. “In hindsight, I think it would have been better to be an exile rather than die… but I would rather die with my friends than on some abandoned rock.” 

The group laughed, a more usual mood that brought back their memories on the first Normandy.

Liara had invited the team back to her apartment later, although it was to catch up - there was also a matter of business regarding the Shadow Broker, Garrus and Tali had already pledged their support in the matter, the former saying ‘’just like good times’ while the latter added ‘as if we have a choice’. The two dextro beings continued to walk along Illium, telling the other two they’ll be in touch when it’s time to go.

So that left Shepard and Liara in the little room. 

“How are you, Shepard?” Liara asked, moving to sit beside the human spectre.

“I’m fine… just, just a bit lonely. I mean, I love you guys, I wouldn’t trade you, Garrus- the original team, ever. But I guess going on a suicide mission with a rag tag group of misfits definitely hits the heart somewhere.” 

Liara faltered, this was what she was afraid of, because even if she wasn’t physically with Shepard, she knew how the spectre got close to her team, how Shepard took the time to interact with all of them, make them human and not just tools of war. That’s why people willingly followed the spectres lead. When she learned about Shepard going all in on the collector base, and that the commander was looking to find Thane Krios and Justicar Samara on Illium, a part of Liara felt such shame that she wasn’t going to be a part of it. But she stood by her convictions, knowing that she had to do things on her own, that she had to branch out, and if she could help Shepard, she would - but she would physically not be there anymore.

So when Garrus had said that many on the Normandy 2.0 had went back into their own lives, Liara understood the dejection that resurfaced in the commander, she had finished her mission once, and then died, and lost connection with those she had fought with and for. It never turned alright - at least not fully, not for everyone. So she understood how difficult it was to imagine what would happen now.

“You know Liara, I know I’m the one being broody here, but you look like you have more thoughts clouding yourself than me.” Shepard smiled, angling her body into one of a more relaxed position.

Again, Liara had to admire how Shepard just shed her own darkness to be able to help her out with hers. It felt like Shepard was still the same hero that had saved her from the Prothean Energy Sphere years back. “I’m just…” she let herself lean in just slightly, she didn’t know how Shepard would act, though they have been very close once.

When Shepard didn’t move away, Liara continued to speak “I’m just thinking how you are, you’ve lost so much already, and now -”

“Now I’m alive. I mean, I don’t know, maybe like back in the SR1, I could die anytime again in some rubble and come out a few years after - and lose everyone I ever loved and --” Shepard shook her head, the truth of her pain suddenly becoming visible despite not wanting it to come out in the first place. “Yeah, that got away from me. Sorry.”

Liara went ahead and moved in, placing both hands on Shepard's own, holding them tight, trying to convey closeness, a sort of apology, that this time she would be better, she wouldn’t just leave. “You don’t have to do that, you don’t always have to be strong.”

Shepard watched the blue hands on hers, for a moment, she felt a pang of longing, a pang of regret, a pang of deep hate for herself that she didn’t push for a relationship with the one she had wanted. That she had let it get away. But within that second of clouded anger, she once again remembered to just be thankful, that it happened, that she met her. 

Shepard closed her hands firmly on the blue ones, giving a squeeze before letting go and just flattering herself back on the sofa. 

Liara had mistaken the squeeze for affection, rather than the spectre looking for control and so she moved closer. It was not unnatural anyway, for her - she hoped, as they have all been close before. Just as how the Normandy SR2 crew would have been.

“I guess so. I try to be, I have to be. Strong that is. But sometimes I get to be too strong maybe? Childish, stubborn? Heck, even MIranda called me stubborn but you should see her-” Shepard laughed and faced the asari again. Was it just her or was Liara closer now?

Shepard gave a forced smile, before turning back to the ceiling. 

“You are who you are Shepard, we love you for that. I know Kaidan does too, it’s just harder. I know we’ve - I’ve hurt you as well.” The asari got up and put her hand down towards the spectre and again Shepard’s mind pulsed upon seeing the blue hues, so similar, yet different, the color wasn’t right, the skin wasn’t the same. It made her head reel and her heart suffer. She has tried so many times to just keep the feelings down, letting herself be the better version of herself, but she was only human, she felt pain too.

Liara almost took back her hand upon the series of emotions that fled through the spectre's face, at least until the human hand came to wrap in hers. “We’ll work it out. I’ll just have a few things to sort back with Miranda, you go on ahead, pop up that Serrice Ice and order some other dextro food for Garrus and Tali, we’ll drop by in a few hours.”

Against better judgement of heart - though maybe it’s only because Shepard knew she had been thinking of someone else, the spectre pulled the asari for a hug, which Liara easily let herself melt in, it was a sensation of time long past, and Liara had missed the innocence of it all that only happened a few years prior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something I have been mostly debating ever since I made the first chapter of my other fic. (Shep/Liara)
> 
> How to deal with asari romances because why not XD. I guess it adds seasoning.
> 
> I am still not sure how to push through with this, due to it wouldn't be fair to Samara to have been a Liara replacement, (which is usually what can happen in a normal gameplay) but - what if it's Liara as a Samara replacement?
> 
> In a normal gameplay of ME1, it's not impossible to have fallen for Liara - then someone else in ME2 - then get back to your original in ME1. Heck it might make sense to forget and move on, because it gets lonely. And Suicide Mission rings a few needs most people would understand.
> 
> But Samara not being a full romance usually makes it so that she's just extra, unless you specifically roleplay your Shepard to romance no one but her (kudos!). Even if you did romance Liara / Samara / Liara (+Citadel) this doesn't become a point of jealousy for the younger asari. Though there are numerous beautiful fics that expound on this as such!
> 
> This also becomes a good plot point where I'm struggling with. Because in this story, ME1 romance is nil, but it is has been stated Shepard has a thing for asari in general (though not expanded, may make fun oneshot), that was done to present Shepard in a way that it was possible for her to get it with the younger asari and in ME2, it's obvious she does have romantic feelings for the justicar, soooo what if I break hearts and have Liara as the replacement for Samara? Without the romantic entanglements that happened in the first game?
> 
> I don't know how it will work, but since I've technically made a very Samara-centered fic without needing a previous romance, it may be nice to touch on the subject because that would mean human growth/sadness comes into play, but now there's a twist - because Liara will easily realize she was the replacement and not the replaced, makes sense right?
> 
> and in fanfics we all love some kind of drama XD


	21. Epilogue: Another Time, Another Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard knew she had to close the chapter behind her, live a new life. But she's already lived a new life once, when she was resurrected, how many lives does she need to go through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah ha, this epilogue needed a lot of rehashing! I totally forgot I had Liara witness Shepard's drunk raving regarding a certain justicar, goodness am I forgetful.

_ “I think I can find more happiness with you.” _

Shepard stood beside Liara, watching the numerous screens that shimmered and crackled in front of them. “Were you able to sort things out?” she asked the asari who seemed to be more in control now that when she was a week ago. 

Liara had been in trouble back in Illium where her apartment got ransacked, it seemed like just as they were about to learn about the Shadow Broker, the Shadow Broker did a first strike. Shepard was glad she still had the team with her, and that instantly Garrus and Tali were with her during the trip to Liara's apartment. The whole fight was tough, but fun - given that she was able to technically bring the old crew into another bout of her driving, which was decidedly unfortunate for the turian and quarian who now had the memories of driving in the mako, a shuttle and a skycar. It was quite the funny moment, Tali desperately didn't want to go in, but Garrus' pull of 'I'm not getting into this alone!' was the kicker. Then there they were, learning about who the Shadow Broker was, where he was, saving an old friend, learning that there was more to her apparent rescue that she realized. In the end, Liara - 108 year old asari, 50 plus years Prothean Expert, crazy information broker who knew how to flay minds, was now the Shadow Broker, one of the strongest forces that lived in the whole of the Milky Way. Shepard understood how that was such a daunting task, but Liara found a way, like she always did.

“Yes.” Liara said softly, whispering the words as she moved her fingers around the console. “With no small thanks to Feron and of course you.” Liara stepped closer towards her, and Shepard could see the clear blue hue of the asari’s eyes. “Remember when you told me? That you might die again? After this, after all this - with the reach I now have, I don’t think that will ever come to pass.”

Shepard looked back into the blue eyes of the asari, and again it felt like she was being transported back to the Normandy, blue on blue, the dark blue sea of Liara, the reflective gray of Samara, deep in their depths, swallowing her. Though Samara’s eyes lured her into the depths of what was unknown, a promise of learning more, gaining more , becoming more as Shepard had to push the gap and work her way into the justicar’s graces- Liara’s eyes were deep in their hope, enveloping her, lifting her up, like how a one would look at a savior. 

Shepard once again had to look away, but it was Liara’s hands that stopped her. Again, it seemed Liara didn’t understand why, and Shepard was in no condition to bring the unrequited love she experienced. 

Liara brought her hand to Shepard’s face, cradling it, again the juxtaposition of memories swarmed in Shepard’s head, Samara’s hand on her cheek, cold in the Normandy, warm to the heart, Liara’s hand, cradling her, warm to the touch, wanting, begging, slowly trying to be let it.

“As long as I’m here Shepard, I will always find a way to bring you back.”  _ Because I couldn’t let you go. _

The memory of their talk with Miranda resurfaced, a sentence so short yet so powerful. Here was someone who loved her, who was looking at her as if she were a hero, and maybe she was? Would this be enough? Wasn’t that deep down something Shepard had always wanted to be? A hero? That’s why she engaged with everyone, did everything the right way? Made sure everyone’s side was heard and made truce when it counted?

“Thank you - Liara. I.” Shepard made to pull away, this time Liara did not stop her. 

"I know you love someone else Shepard. I don't know if Garrus told you, but he and I brought you in the apartment, we watched over you, we called Sa... Samara to get you. But... she's a justicar, and I thought that maybe...it's just you, and we know you have a type, I understand that, Sha'ira, Shiala, the fornax you've kept under your mattress. Oh how young I am but...  I’ve been in love with you Shepard. Ever since the first time we spoke on the Normandy, how you saved me, knowing I was the child of…. Of Benezia. You took me in, defended me, made me part of a team. Gave me importance and time - listened to me, a silly young asari who was supposed to be smart but got trapped in a defense field.” 

Shepard once again made to speak, she opened her mouth but got interrupted as warm blue fingers trembled on top of her lips.

“Please let me finish, or I may never again have the strength to say this- I want you to give me a chance. I don't know, I just... I feel like even if I live my full years as an asari I would never be able to live my life fully without telling you that I love you, without getting that chance. It doesn't have to be now, I can wait, when you're ready. But if you feel anything towards me, anything at all. I want to be able to get it, to experience it... goddess" Liara turned away, tears in her eyes as Shepard could feel the tremors of the asari's shoulder. "Goddess I... I don't know what got into me, I'm just so scared, of losing you again, to anything, to death mostly, and now you've gone into another battle, a suicide mission no less and got out- I'm afraid I may never get this chance again." 

Shepard couldn't deny the hurt that seeped out of her own heart, Liara's pleading was very much like when she had tried to pour her heart out to the matron asari, though Liara had more ways with her words, more innocent and pure - and there was little to no filter, an all or nothing, Shepard admired it, heck she was jealous of how well Liara said it when she herself couldn't speak those words or fight for it when it was with her and the justicar.  “You don’t have to do that Liara, I understood why you did it, I understood why you left - honestly, your reception was a lot better than Tali or Kaidan.” Shepard smiled at the asari, the fight to push her away gone. Liara was already torn, and her doing things differently than the innocent one she did years ago must have taken quite a toll on her mental faculties as well. Shepard understood. 

Liara loved her, that much was now plainly obvious, from the hero worship, the moments in the old Normandy, the times they would talk and share experiences, the times Shepard would stay beside the asari when they both worked, she with her soldier training, and her with her science, she teaching Liara how to properly fire a stronger gun that a pistol, Liara, teaching her how to make the best with her biotics. Shepard never really knowing how to keep a stasis field - even now. But whatever Shepard did before was because she was just that, she was friendly, she knew the asari needed more interactions than any other in the team. But now, looking into the asari's eyes, taking note the way she moved, she edged her body closer, the way her head tilted just enough to be considered adorable. Shepard realized how much Liara had yearned. 

“I need, I just need time Liara - you know, losing people, the suicide mission, half of my crew leaving now - it’s just, a lot has happened, for me, it’s not even the whole three years.”

Liara stopped at that, and now fully turned to look away, shame back in her eyes. “Oh, of course I understand, Shepard I… I’m sorry I was confused and just like how I think three years have been so long, I didn’t think to remember that for you it’s only been just a little while.”

“It’s okay. We’ve been through a lot together as well. Maybe once you’re all set here we can fly again sometime?” Samara never gave her a chance, because the code said so, but Shepard knew she didn't have much time, whether as a soldier or as a human. It wouldn't hurt to give it a chance, if it developed, if she opened her heart to it. Then maybe she would let the asari know, maybe she'd be able to let Liara in.

The invitation seemed to ignite something in the asari, as a glow basked around her again. It was blinding, and Shepard realized there and then, that Liara’s boundless energy was just as captivating as she was. 

Another memory passed by her - quicker than anything else, the color of a biotic field, the elegant gliding down of an angel, the eyes that captivated by just standing, the voice that echoed long after the words were spoken. 

“Hey Shepard, we have to get going, Miranda says we’re pressed for time-” Jacob’s voice sounded through the comms, and Shepard remembered the mission they were to undertake, not from Cerberus but for Ceberus, specifically their personnel. They were to go and help out some of those that wish to change sides, turn a new leaf. 

“I’ll have to go Liara -” Shepard said, another small smile gracing her face. The spectre didn't know how long it would be or if the feelings were truly there. Everything needed time, heck if she were honest she liked Liara well enough, but being the first human spectre and working in between the Citadel and Alliance didn't give a lot of time to fall in love. Maybe if things were different sure, but right now? Shepard knew she'd work on it.

“When will you come back? You will visit right? It’s not Illium, I don’t think I can offer that much.”

Shepard chuckled, “You’re the shadow broker Liara, if you get me some great first edition model ships, we’re good.”

With that, Shepard moved ahead. The galaxy didn’t wait for a hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! We're at the epilogue! It has been an amazing what... 8 day adventure! I can't believe I've finally finished writing a fanfic for the first time in my life.
> 
> With that also slightly out of the way, I shall be continuing my lighter Liara/FShep fic and my Dragon Age one - as I know once I get back to writing about Samara, I will be no doubt enraptured and unable to write about anything else. 
> 
> I hope you all like the story! Leave a kudos if you do!

**Author's Note:**

> \- I actually fell for Samara doing my first Sheploo run, but it was thanks to ExThinker's Tribute Video (search for 'The Way Samara ME3' and it's gonna pop up) and the fact they have a version for Sheploo and FemShep did I actually see how great FemShep was. (seriously watch it it's effing great, I cried.)


End file.
